Reminiscing and Remembering (The Boys)

I was in a contemplative mood. And this is the result. Contemplating my past relationships and flings. Can you see the pattern in them? I'm pretty sure I have an aberration in my mind, aside of being plain hormonal, err, I mean horny.

Agy
The guy who was always in the back of my mind. Probably I am to be permanently curious. See, we started something but never got around to finish it properly the first time. Until we met again, and started a fling. Even that went intermittently and then wore off. Still, we left each other hanging. Sucks, huh?

Rex
Rex, hmm. One of my failure in nonexistent relationship. Married with kids, has a gaylike attitude, but he seemed rough at the start. But well hey, that's what happens when you jumped into a fling too soon. A lesson learned, the hard way.

Perry
A married Bataknese who's in a critical marriage condition. The backup guy who I had let go. Can't imagine myself with him for a long term, but at that time, you know what they say: dibuang sayang :p. But when he said he's ready to go through a separation with wifey and dared to propose to me, that's the end. I wasn't a girl looking for commitment. Damn, commitments scare me more than Count Dracula!

Eric
An interesting guy. He always makes the first move but sometimes acts all innocent. Knows he's attractive and has his own groupies. Seeming aloof with them and treating everyone the same. But when they're not around, then he makes his hands available and keeps hugging and touching me and making sexual innuendos. Must be careful with him, I already knowingly make him as my second resort whenever I have a conflict with Joe. And yeah, he's married.

Ben
My first kosher boyfriend, which turned out like having no boyfriend at all. No thrills, no sparks, well probably a one way spark. His way. :p Well, no more kosher than Mbul. He's actually a divorcee with a daughter. He tried to hide his status from me, but I'm not stupid. It's not like I minded, all my relationships before him had been with married guys, so his status was actually an improvement. Or so I thought.

Wes
A single guy, and one of my weakness. I actually have regrets that I led him on, especially that now I have Joe. But it's kinda hard to blow his bubble and deflate him, even though I know I'm not that into him now. So, he's turning into a liability. It scares me whenever I thought how attracted I was to him at the start of or fling, and how turned off I am now.

Jimmy
The guy who escaped untouched. A two way attraction, he even made plans of sexual positions he wanted to experiment with me, hahahaha. But he's too chicken to jump me in reality, and I'm a bit turned off by his indecision. Though I didn't mind ruining his ideals so he'd see the world as I did. Idealistic sucks, my friends. The flirting was fun while it lasts, though.

CrewCut
A superfling. Wow. What a rebound guy. Always available for me. He even said he loved me. But I know better than to snatch him away from wifey. Anyways, serious relationships were turnoffs. Pfffft...

Mbul
Not many people can say that they have a loved one who passed away, who died and left you hanging. Damnit, Mbul! He saved me from Alv. I was happy for the first time, and felt so free when we started seeing each other. but apparently He had other plan. Rest in peace, Mbul. Hope your son grows to be a good person. 

Alv
A piece of shit, a retard, a junkard, an asshole, a bully, an abuser, a coward. 5 years of abuse, and i won't have any of that anymore. I'm free as a bird. Or so I thought until I met, well, Joe. 

Joe
Well, that's for another story. :p

Rex's Deadly Text

He was performing on one of his gigs, and when he had a minute in between songs, he grabbed his BlackBerry and texted me 'Love you...'

*melted*

Damn you, Rex. I'm still trying to fight the growing feeling. Please don't make it any harder for me, hun... :')

And then he sang Whitesnake's Is This Love, with his eyes on me all the time. 

*gulp*

Help!

Somehow Interconnected

Yesterday was a day full of seemingly random moments which turned to be not so random after all. And it somehow got me contemplating and digging deep into my memory for whatever kinds of existence I have through. Big words for me. Big words that came out of little things.

I've been reading Dee's Supernova books for the past few days. I've finished Ksatria, Putri dan Bintang Jatuh and Akar and now about to start Petir. What she put into her stories are stuffs beyond my imagination. She somehow compiled so many seemingly syfy materials and rewrite it into her novels thus making it easy for her readers to understand the theories. Quantum physics, Freudian and the likes, Mandelbrot, I can't even recall the other names.

Her writings put me into a deja vu mode. Years ago, I read James Redfield's books. The first one was The Celestine Prophesy, followed by The Tenth Insight, then The Secret of Shambala. Basically, the first book told about many levels of insight. You need to go on your own journey to be able to acquire them. It's a somewhat spiritual journey. And you need to believe that everything in life is interconnected. There's always a reason behind every moment, every meeting, et cetera. Nothing is a coincidence. However small the event is, there is always a purpose behind it. To see the enhanced effect of a tiny event, think of The Butterfly Effect. ;) Redfield has made me a believer, though not a participant. No new levels of insights for me, just plain believing. Maybe someday.

Then I started to read Dee's Supernova series. And it just clicks. This is Redfield comprehensively and unbelievably and crazily rewritten. Damn, I love this! My mood of the week shifted to this watchamacallit thingy. I fell into Dee's world, meanwhile, Redfield's teaching came back in a rush. I even read some articles on Fungi and nu age. Hahaha.


So, it's only natural that I would think that all these have their own purpose. Dee's books, how I came across each articles, why I'm even writing this post. Everything might seem random for us mortals, but there must be some invisible pattern in the universe, don't you think? And come to think of it, I started to feel like I could grasp some of the pattern lately. At least, the things that happen in my life. You just have to 'see', not with your eyes, but also your 'eyes' if you know what I mean, *cheeky grin*.


Let's see. Out of nowhere, suddenly Dina texted me saying that she's in Kemang. At around 2 pm. I mean, come on, what can I do at 2 pm? I work at the office at least until 6 pm everyday. And it's not like she asked me to ge there and join her. Hahaa. So I just left it at that, with some question lurking. Then as usual I check my Twitter timeline from time to time. Somehow tweets about female taxi drivers popping intermittently. I left it at that also. When I finished work, because Crewcut was still in Bandung doing a project, I took a ride with Jimmy, intending to just reach the TransJ bus shelter nearby. In the car, we talked about his love affair, my crush on Wes, and risque relationship in general. What our own views on that, his being restricted by the religion, and how I was being more liberal than him. It's funny. He's a devout Moslem, but he's still doing this thing he's doing. :D


The conversation was getting deeper and before we knew it, we already reached Prapanca. How the heck was I going to get home from there? Along the street, there's no single vacant cab. He was going to Mampang, and he said he's passing Kemang. Suddenly I got an epiphany *yeah, right*, I texted Dina asking whether she was still at that cafe in Kemang. She said she was, so Jimmy dropped me off there and he went to pick up his wife. Somehow, it felt like a platonic affair, this weird relationship of mine with him. Hahahahahaa... Anyway, Dina was with her colleague, Aning. There's also Aning's friend from Jogja, Wahyu. He's totally new in Jakarta, but his courage deserved an applause. He went everywhere by public transport, even since his first day here. And this is only his third day. He was going to leave the cafe when I came in, but he had no clue about which public transport to take to get to his destination. So I came to his rescue and told him which angkots and buses he could take. See, there's apparently a reason why I was sent to that place. :D

Aaaand then, when they finished and we're about to pay, the place didn't accept cards. Cash only. The girls had no cash. I did. Once again, Bengal became their hero. Xixixixi... Who would have thought I would be of service like that? :p

Okay, I can't take it anymore. Let's just roll this through faster. We hailed a cab, and the driver is female. Ohmigosh. After all day reading tweets on female taxi drivers. How weirder could the day be? Weird, unless you believe in the above theory. Don't you think? :)))

A day of randomness, causalities... Synchronicity... Cosmic interference/direction? Okay, it IS weird. :/

PS: Would you believe it took me more than 2 months to write this fucking post?

From The Voice to My Voice

Still captivated by his voice. Thankfully (or damnedly), not for a lot longer. I'll probably be able to hold it until next week. But, damn, I think I'm starting to get caught deeper into his net.

At first, I thought I could think of him only as The Voice. But for the past few days, we have talked about many things. Things I never knew could interest him. So it hasn't been all about work and silly jokes, but also a wide range of topics. On one day we talked about a gadget he recently acquired for his work, same kind of designing pad. Then on another day, we talked about the increasing rate of motorbike gangster that has been a terror in town. Yesterday, we discussed about conspiration theories, ranging from man-made 'natural disasters', Freemasonry and Illuminati, to NII and Jamaah Islamiyah.

And now somehow he had changed into My Voice. It's just that he's not mine. Shit. Have I fallen for him? Everyday I have difficulties restraining my limbs not to touch him. Not to hold him. Stupid Bengal. Shouldn't let an intelligent mind screw with me.

The Voice + Intelligence = Bengal's Doomsday...

Fuck me, please. Literally, honey... :'(

Bengal & Agy in A One Night Stand

Curiosity killed a cat. But it didn't kill me. It just kept me amused. :D

Maybe I should start from the beginning. Some time last week, Agy texted me and said that he would be home alone for a few months. His parents went out of town visiting his sister. We did not chat for long, just a little flirting as we both had been busy with something. As days gone by, I started to think that maybe he had just baited me to see my reaction. Maybe he was only checking his female contacts one by one to see who would bite. I sure as hell bit, but maybe he had a better offer?

But little as I know him, I was pretty sure that he was not a real player. He was just being himself. Wasting no time for tete-a-tete. Almost always straight to the point unless if he had thought that some persuasion is needed. So I did not expect much on the romancing department. I decided not to initiate anything. Just waiting and waiting until HE bit. And he did. Mwahahahahahaa... He sent me a BBM a few minutes after midnight on Thursday, 'Come to my place, Bengal. Please.'

I kept him waiting for half an hour, then I texted, 'When?' Seconds later, he replied, 'Now. Tonight.' @.@ Hellooo? What time is it, boy? I'm not some McDonald's menu that can be ordered 24/7. *Cue: pass out.*

Then I said, 'The only time I can spare is tomorrow night. Suits you?'

He replied, 'Tomorrow night. Can't wait. I'm horny as hell right now. Good night, Bengal. :*'

I left it unread until the morning after. But I'm pretty sure I got a spring in my walk that morning. That feeling of sharp expectation. Frustrating yet exhilarating. I've been waiting for some kind of closure with this particular guy. What we were about to do that night could turn into the climax and ended right after, or could be a new beginning in a perverse relationship. I could not be sure which one I would have preferred. Even until now.

All day was spent fantasizing about what would happen that night. My colleagues were probably a bit confused as to why I turned silent all day. I was nervous, almost a wreck, which was so not me. But even I had to admit that Agy was not like some other guy. Agy was the one that constantly on my mind since that kiss years ago. Once, I might have changed guys like I bought shoes, but I could swear, he's always there at the back of my mind. Seeking answer of what could have been. Stupidly insane. Disgustingly corny. Insanely unbelievable. At least for me. Shit, this is big, huh?

Let's just pass the small details. So, at his house, we made small talk. Unwinding after work and before sex *grins*. Just sitting in his living room. His arms started to snake their way around me, not long after that we started to kiss. A short one for starter. Testing the water. Longer one after that. And waaaaay longer after that one. Tongues battling, biting the opponent's lips, sucking and licking and all those delicious things. When it's getting even more unbearable, he stood up and pulled my hand. We went to his room upstairs.

His bed was still made up. I jumped onto it and sniffed his pillow. Not 2 seconds after, he put his body on top of my back and held me still. He kissed the back of my neck while his hands roamed all over. The night had just begun! :D I slipped from under and we changed positions. Lips locked, somehow our hands managed to undress each other almost effortlessly. Thank goodness I had been exercising regularly for the past few months so I had better stamina. And it was a long night. Almost two years of celibating and we broke it by finishing a box full of condom. Dotted ones. Felt so good. ;) Minor problem arised, egos acted up, but I managed to be the bigger person. The fact that his hand jobs and BJs were phenomenal might help. I could swear, setting some problems aside, he's the best sex buddy I've ever had.

In the morning, we woke up and did it again. And again. And then we went down and finishing some business. He continued his works, and I just sat beside him. I anticipated something like this therefore I had a book with me. I read, he worked. I read, he touched me. I touched him back, he worked. I read again, he touched me again. I touched him, all hell broke loose. We did it in his living room. In broad daylight. Curtains half closed. Other people could have looked inside with little effort. And we couldn't care less. Damn this neverending horniness! It totally clouded our judgements and sensibilities. It's a good thing no one had caught us, otherwise we might have been snatched out and paraded outside like those stories in Pos Kota. *swallowed*

As it was nearing afternoon, our moods changed perceptibly. It was like we had started to raise our barriers back. What happened between us there would stay there and then. Oh, we talked about stuffs in between sex. He said that we couldn't have predicted what would happen in the future. Who knew if we might be each other's soulmate? Which I didn't buy because I thought it was just his way keeping me pliable that night. And I was right. When the barrier was up, he was his distant self again. No funny business after that. He must be bipolar. He was so nice and loving when we were intimate, yet so cold and distant the rest of the time. And there's a hint of childishness too.

And why am I trying to analyze him? He's not a potential partner. Heck, he's not a partner material, period! But, I still have to admit that I have a soft spot for him. I don't know, maybe because we had history together? Despite what I had thought about him, I still want him to be available for me. Gosh, I'm so screwed up!

But it was a good night. :)

Bengal. Agy. End. :p

Sekarang bener2 tutup buku deh. Gue BBM-in ucapan Ramadhan ke Agy secara personal, soalnya gue gak suka pake broadcast message. Dari jawabannya yang singkat dan padat, kesimpulannya adalah cukup sampai disini. Close chat, tutup buku, hidup tenang. Mwehehehee... Gak tenang juga sih, secara masih penasaran sebenernya. Tapi kayaknya dari dia juga mati respon gitu, yaudah, mari kita sudahi sesi pendekatan yang udah berminggu2 gak ada hasilnya ini.

Konsentrasi sama ibadah puasa ya, Bengal. Jangan mikirin cowok2 mulu. Mendingan juga cari duit buat keliling dunia. ;)

Nyekar Rock n Roll

Alhamdulillah akhirnya kemaren berhasil nyekar ke makam keluarga gue. Secara pulang kerja pasti macet, gue minta tolong CrewCut nganterin gue pake motornya siang2 gitu ke makam, karena lokasinya juga gak jauh2 amat sih dari kantor. Untung dia mau. :)

Pas sampe di makam, gue beli bunga sekeranjang plus beberapa botol air mawar, karena selain bokap n nyokap gue, di makam itu juga ada 2 kakak sulung gue plus eyang gue, dan beberapa saudara yang lain. Pertama gue nyekar ke makam nyokap dan kakak2 gue. CrewCut ikut kirim doa. Yang bikin agak aneh kok nih anak mendadak diem kayak lagi kenapa gitu. Di makam masih tersebar kelopak2 bunga dan daun yang udah mengering, mungkin sisa dari kakak gue yang nyekar minggu lalu. Makam kakak gue sisi2nya agak keropos, entah tanahnya yang kering atau karena para penghuni liar di kompleks pemakaman itu yang sembarangan tiduran atau duduk disitu. :(( Berasa kangennya sama nyokap deh. Biasanya kalo udah deket lebaran, pasti kita bikin masak untuk sajian ke keluarga dan tamu yang dateng ke rumah. Secara nyokap dan bokap masing2 adalah orang yang dituakan di keluarga masing2, maka kita pasti open house tiap lebaran. Nyokap dapet bagian bikin masakan kayak rendang, sayur labu dll dst dsb, segala macam masakan yang gue males banget ngerjainnya karena gue gak suka tangan gue kotor sama bumbu. Hehee... Sementara gue dapet bagian bikin macam2 cookies dan cake. Gue paling seneng wangi cookies yang lagi dipanggang di oven. Mmmmmhhh... Sayang aja oven di rumah udah gak sekeren dulu. Pengen deh bikin cookies and cake lagi. Dijamin pada doyan dan heran, ternyata gue jago juga masaknya. Biasanya sih orang2 emang pada gak percaya kalo gue kasih cookies buatan gue. Pada gak tau aja kalo gue ini maestro. Hmm... :p

Dari makam nyokap, gue pindah nyekar ke makam bokap dan eyang kakung yang letaknya bersebelahan. Gue cabutin rumput kering dan bersihin sedikit makamnya. Setelah itu baru siram air mawar dan tabur bunga. CrewCut agak banyak nanya2 tentang siapa aja keluarga gue yang dimakamin disitu. Gue cerita macem2 sambil kita duduk di samping makam bokap. Gue paling kangen sama bokap, mungkin karena emang gue paling dekat sama bokap dari sejak kecil. He's my hero, my first love, the one I want my guy one day to be like. Anak papa banget deh gue. :p Bokap adalah orang yang cenderung diam tapi selalu terasa kehadirannya. Gue orang yang paling gak pernah curhat ke keluarga gue. Tapi kalo lagi galau, gue ajak aja bokap hangout berdua kemana gitu. Entah nonton ke bioskop, atau makan ke KFC, atau sok2an nonton live music di kafe. Tapi ya gue kira2 juga. Cari live musicnya juga yang rada musik2 evergreen gitu deh istilahnya. Gak mungkin kan bokap gue ajak dengerin musik yang hardcore atau hip hop? Hehee... Kalo lagi hangout sama bokap, gue cuek aja minum alcoholic drinks, karena beliau percaya sama gue, lagian kan gue minumnya ditemenin sama bokap. Jadi takarannya ketauan. Malah kadang bokap pesen minuman, gue yang disuruh minum. 'Kamu harus coba semua, Bengal. Yang penting tau rasanya, tapi jangan sampe mabok atau jadi alcoholic. Yang penting kamu tau batas. Nih, cobain Whisky Cola punya Papa.' Hihi, bokap gue emang rock n roll abis. I love you, Pa. :*

Di perjalanan balik ke kantor, baru deh si CrewCut cerita kalo dia tadi di makam diajak ngobrol sama eyang dan keluarga gue, termasuk bokap n nyokap. Katanya dia dititipin gue. *Dueeeeenggg!!*

-______-'

"Haaaaahhhh???? Maksud looo???' Gue kaget setengah idup dengernya.

'Ya itu. Tadi bokap lo seneng banget lo datengin dan doain beliau ke makamnya. Terus yang di sebelah bokap itu eyang lo ya? Wataknya mirip gitu berdua. Masa beliau nitipin lo ke gue, Ngal. Abis eyang lo bilang gitu, yang lain pada ngikut juga nitipin lo ke gue. Ya bokap, nyokap, kakak lo, sampe eyang putri lo yang di Jawa juga tadi ada.'

Gue langsung cengo dong. Pas denger bahwa bokap gue seneng gue datengin, gue sempet speechless dan pengen nangis. Rasanya legaaaaa banget denger bokap seneng. Aneh ya. Ngetik ini aja sekarang mata gue jadi berkaca2 lagi. Hiks... Tapi yang gue bingung, kenapa gue malah dititipin ke dia ya? Malah mustinya kan pada marah ke kita, secara kita berdua badung gitu. Terus CrewCut bilang kalo nyokap gue udah tau. Tapi tetep aja ikutan nitipin gue, bukannya malah murka gimana gitu. Oh, even di alam lain, keluarga gue pun tetep rock n roll. Yasalaaam...

Dan jujur, kejadian hari itu sukses membuat gue tercenung dan bengong. Percaya gak percaya, tapi CrewCut emang bisa komunikasi dengan alam lain tersebut. Kalo di kantor ato daerah rumahnya ada orang lagi kesurupan aja pasti dia yang nyembuhin. Tengil2 gitu tapi sakti. Kadang keliatan blo'on tapi sakti. Emang orang sakti itu sakti ya. *Kayaknya gue mulai melantur deh* Oh, well. Yah begitulah ceritanya. Gue gak tau apa ada hal lain yang dia gak ceritain ke gue. Yang jelas dia juga bilang kalo watak bokap dan gue mirip. Itu aja gue uda seneng. Hehee...

Makasih ya CrewCut, udah nemenin gue nyekar, eh pake apes ketitipan gue oleh almarhum keluarga gue. :)

Closure, Awkwardness, New Start?

Second BBM chat with Agy. It was still awkward. I know he wants something from me. He sent me his picture, then he asked me to do the same. I said that I was still looking more or less the same, still ugly and fat. Then can you believe what he said?

'You were beautiful last time we met, you know. Otherwise I wouldn't volunteer to take you home. And I still remember what we did that night.'

My first reaction: shocked. And then I was partly insulted, partly flattered. Easygoing that I am, I decided to take it lightly. And I replied, 'I also remember that first time in the car. My hands were shaking afterward.'

'But you'd seen me plenty of times before that, right? Why would you be shaking?'

'So? Yeah, we were familiar to each other, but we only got intense that night. Deg-degan, tau... Tapi gue gak nyangka lo masih inget.'

'Never forget. Setiap gue inget itu, langsung pusing.'

Aha! So, he was into me. Well, I kinda hurt his pride at that time, that's why we parted not at the best of terms. And this is the first contact between us after more than 4 or 5 years. Damn, it's been so long.

After that, the chatting got awkward again. I didn't know what to say to him, so I just left him hanging. And we haven't continue the convo yet. Maaany times I want to start, but I try to keep myself from doing exactly that. I'm still in a relationship. Before I get closure on this one, I'd better let Agy be. I don't want to repeat what happened on our first try.

You might wonder why I sound like I did want to start a new relationship with him. Well, I'm still not sure about that. But I know that I never really forget about being with him, about how it felt, short that it was. What we had was physical, but it was mindblowing. I never forget. Apparently he doesn't forget, too.

Honestly, I want out from my current relationship. I've been meaning to break up with Ben for weeks now, maybe even months. And suddenly Agy slip back into my life, deeper into my mind. The memory gets sharper, and it left me wanting. Badly.

Shit! I hate this. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'd be hurting Ben for a bad reason. Well, okay, Agy or no Agy, I've been meaning to break up with Ben. Being stupid, I keep on delaying and delaying. On the other hand, I have hurt Agy once. Doesn't he hold any grudge? Is he looking for payback? Am I being an idiot for letting him back into my life?

Bengal Naksir Alay :p

It's been a while since the last time I have a serious crush on someone. I guess I have one now. Flu plus crush equals shitdom. That's what I'm feeling at the moment. Totally blue and clueless. Not liking it a bit.

Ketemu cowok pas ngerjain event kemarin. Sebenernya bisa dibilang dia itu rival secara dia juga kerja di EO. Cuma karena klien kita ini pengen event besarnya ini ditangani langsung sama 3 tim, jadilah ada 3 perusahaan yg bekerja sama ngerjainnya. EO gue khusus ngerjain acara, EO dia khusus ngerjain produksi, dan yg 1 lagi khusus konsep dan image. Berbulan-bulan menggodok segala detail dan rincian, tapi bener2 ketemu dan ngobrol sebelum event itu paling cuma 2x. Hahaa, kesan pertama cuma nih anak rambutnya alay beuut. :p But something stickes, his voice was resonant and a bit husky. Just the way I like it. Damn, the trap had been opened.

Event selama seminggu, dan selama seminggu itu kita sering musti cek & ricek bermacam detail barengan. Secara pekerjaan, dia udah pasti ok karena dia udah pernah ngerjain event ini beberapa kali sebelumnya. Justru gue yang anak baru. But he's okay, not patronizing at all. Gak kelihatan keras ato apa, malah pas lagi ada show di panggung, kita udah pasti di posisi paling belakang untuk ngawasin situasi dan kondisi. And guess what, we know the same songs, we even sang and danced together. Gak ada yang jaim deh padahal bos2 kita juga ada disana. Hahahaa...

Diluar itu, kita mulai bercanda beneran pas 2 hari menjelang event berakhir. Dan mungkin disitulah gue mulai suka sama dia. Kampret. Dari segitu banyak cowok yang seliweran kenapa gue musti naksir sama anak alay ini? *jedotin kepala ke tembok* Mending kalo dia juga suka sama gue. Hiks...

Event udah kelar, udah saling add di Facebook, kalo kontak BB mah udah dari kapan tau, dan sampai disitu aja. Gak ada ajakan ngobrol, gak ada tag foto ato apa, gak ada apapun yang nunjukin dia ada perhatian sama gue sedikitpun. *yaowoooh, desperate amat gue yak? Preeeet!!*

I know he's not married, he's 30, and he's mobile, and he's definitely not gay. Oh well, he does love beautiful, skinny, lithe women. -____-' Stupid me to feel this way, ya? Dengan seleranya yang seperti itu, jelas aja dia gak bakal ngelirik gue in that way. *banting monitor*

Tapi nikmatin aja deh. Asik juga ngerasain kayak begini lagi. Ngecek BB terus, stalking FB dan Twitternya dia, sama liatin foto2nya di BB gue. Wakakakaak, gue bener2 parah deh. Najis lo, Bengaaal!! Hadoooh hampooooonnn...

Bengal & Agy, Once Upon A Time

Minggu lalu, tiba2 Syd SMS bilang. 'Eh, kata Ibu sekarang si Agy single tuh. Trus dia udah masuk Islam.'

Flabbergasted, I answered, 'ooookaaay. And what's that supposed to do with anything?'

'Well, cuma keinget aja dulu lo n dia. Siapa tau kalian mau balik lagi. Secara dulu tuh agama jadi masalah kan?'

-______-'

Hell, well, right. So, even my best friend doesn't know the real story until now. *ooops* You see, I was still with Alv back then. Awalnya, perjanjian gue dan Alv saat itu adalah kita gak serius. Kapanpun mau putus silahkan. And kinda in a so called open relationship. I hung on to those deal. In reality, Agy was the only guy other than Alv. It was only for 2 days for Pete's sake!

It was Syd's brother's wedding. I stayed at her house for those 2 days. One time, at about 11 pm there's something needed to be done for the wedding, and Agy offered to do it. He asked me to go with him to the photocopier. The stuff didn't take long to do. When we were almost back to the house, he stopped the car. Out of the blue, he asked whether I had a boyfriend. I just shrugged. Yeah, I know, I kinda misguided him. And I was in a temporary break with Alv. But all day he sent me this come hither signals. The best friend of my best friend's brother who usually acted indifferent suddenly showering attention on me. It was so obvious. He even rubbed my cold feet in front of Syd's family and relatives earlier that night.

So the car stopped. He told me that he actually had a crush on me for a long time. I was silent. A bit shocked and unbelieving. I had no clue whatsoever. I asked him why he hadn't given any signs. And he said that he had been in relationships. None of them serious. And he wasn't looking for anything serious too. But sometimes, a guy just needed to be hugged. Needed someone to take him in her arms. When feeling weary of the world, being in someone's arms is the cure.

'Kalo cuma untuk meluk aja gue masih bisa, Gy. Tapi cuma peluk aja. Lo mau?'

Very softly he said, 'Mau banget...'

So I took him in my arms. I stroked his hair. Just holding on like that for a few moments. He stirred. I thought he wanted to end it, so I let him go, but he held me and for a fraction of a second everything but us seemed to disappear. He kissed me. Oh so softly at first. I froze. Stupidly froze. My mind went blank. Sensing no fight, he kissed me again, this time sensually licking and biting my lips. I let go my breath, my lips opened and he went deeper. Then it's over. And I was still frozen.

He said my name. I blinked. 'Why did you do that?' I asked.

He just shrugged.

I tried to move, but my hands were trembling. It was a funny sensation. My mind was still fuzzy. "Hey look! My hands are trembling, Gy!' *Anjis, polos banget gue waktu itu ya?*

'Ya ampun, soriiii banget, Ngal. Gue gak bermaksud sampe gitu. Gue gak bisa nahan, tau-tau nyium lo gitu.'

'Kita masuk aja yuk. Udah ditungguin sama kakaknya Syd kan... Let's just forget about it, shall we?'

He agreed. We said nothing after that. We entered the house and acted as if nothing had happened. It was late. He went into his designated room, I changed clothes and prepared to sleep. It's no surprise that I couldn't put myself to sleep. He was on my mind. I played the kissing scene over and over again. Trying to analyze whether I had led him on or not. On my part, I only offered to hold him for a moment. Nothing else.

Syd wanted to be with her brother and sister, so I was to sleep alone that night. I decided to get out and watch TV since I couldn't close my eyes. Before long, he went out his room and went to me. Standing by my sofa, silently asking permission to join me. I just smiled, I don't know what else to do. And I didn't want to rouse the whole house should we had a fight. And I was curious anyway. He sat next to me, before long we were holding hands.

The possibility of any of Syd's family member to suddenly wake up and caught us in contact put me in a dilemma. But sweet as he was, I threw all cautions away. *emang dasar bengal aja sih. :p* Then he pulled me so we were cuddling. Just watching tv and chatted leisurely. I don't remember until now what were watching or what we were chatting about, but it was a totally different experience compared to being with Alv. Agy was a sweeter and polished male.

'Can I kiss you again?' I turned my head and his face was only an inch away. Hesitation on my part, but that didn't deter him. He moved closer and we kissed again. Long kiss. Intimate kiss. He didn't even let me breath. I had to break our kiss to pull in some air. He captured my lips again. This time, his hands started roaming on my neck, going under my shirt, touching the sides of my breasts. Just circling, kinda putting me in a frenzy. There were a part of my anatomy longing for his touches. But he kept denying it. A moment later he pulled away.

He just looked at me. His hands on my breasts, my hands on his ruffled hair. I decided to test him. I moved closer and lick his ear. I blew softly. He shivered. I could feel his goosebumps. Power trip!! I loved the feeling. Little bites, fingers playing softly on the back of his neck, and all hell went loose. He devoured me. No chance for me to keep away. He didn't let me touch him, I let him take control. And it felt so great.

Suffice it to say that we loved those moments. The next day, he kinda asked me to be his girl. But as I was already with Alv, and I wasn't sure whether it was only lust speaking, I said no. Well, I can't say that he took it well. I've led him on, but he already knew my situation. He wanted me to choose, so I chose. Years of relationship against hours of intimation, what do you think?

It was long before I got fed up with Alv. And I've forgotten about it until Syd brought it up in a single SMS. Damn, now I have memories, and no one to relive it with. I'm soooo curious about how Agy is now. I want to know how he's doing. But then again, probably it's better this way. Probably not knowing is the better now. Probably...

Thinking of Alv

Hey, peeps. It's been a few weeks, eh? Yeah well, life's kinda hectic with those projects coming in. It's not that I'm not grateful, but a few free days would be most welcome. :)

I find myself thinking more and more about Alv these days. Well, we did have good times. And when it gets unbearable, I forcibly remind my head about his bad sides. But you know, time slowly erases bad memories, pains are no longer that sharp, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I surely don't wanna jump back to him. And yeah, I've thought of calling him. Thank God I could keep myself from doing that.

But hell, some things just keep going back to mind. The warmth of his neck, the good smell of him, the good times we had... Damn it!! Get away, memories...

Happy New Year 2010!!
All the best for ya!
Mwaaa...

Best of 2009

Perjalanan gue selama 2009? Penuh warna banget! Semua kejadian yang gue alamin tahun ini bener2 bermacam-macam dan bermakna. Seperti yang udah dibilang berulang kali, 2009 adalah tahun yang bener2 penuh warna untuk Bidadari Bengal. Because I don't know what to say, without further ado, here's the list in no chronological order:

• Getting closer to Menik and Kucil. They really made my year! Luv you, gals. ;)
  
• I broke up with my ex. Really broke up. I mean, for good. And I had to thank Mbul for it.
  
• Had a great time with Mbul. We had no status of relationship, but we were happy. Sadly, the happiness was cut by his death. And I don't think I could forget about it.
  
• Being busy at work. Super busy. Had no time to grieve.
  
• Errr, got a friend with benefit. Well, you know, CrewCut... Great body, no great mind. Well damn, nobody's perfect, eh? And yeah, Mbul is still lurking in the back of my mind.
  
• Last but not least, My Li'l Bangbag. That little munchkin is the source of my joy and happiness everyday. I need at least a smile from her in the morning. Or a kiss. That kid is really a bundle of joy. Luv you so so so much, kiddo.
  
• Oh, at last we got to be close again to Mama, our long lost member of the gang. She's in deep shit. And I'm really sorry for that. But I'm glad because she trusts us to stay a part of her life.
  
• Many things I forgot to mention, but surely not forgotten in time.

Maybe they don't seem much. No material things, nothing to be proud of. But I am happy. I got to be more open to my friends. And I learn to give and take, be more sympathetic, broaden my mind, and more importantly, to be more patient. Like I said few months ago, 2009 was a colorful year. That's exactly what it was. From darkest colors to lightest colors. Gloomy and merry. I had them all in 2009. What a year to be in. ;)

12222009, 12:54 pm

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

Luv you, Mama. You are missed.

Happy 1st Anniversary, Blog si Bidadari Bengal!

Today is exactly one year after I decided to become a real Bidadari Bengal. I wrote about my decision to do this, and you can read it here. The blog's anniversary is actually on 9th December. Lots of things had happened since then. My heartbreak, my being in love again, the loss of Mbul, the hookup with CrewCut, my friendship with Menik and Kucil, and stuffs.

And now it all force me to reminisce. About my story with Mbul. How I got pissed at him, how I fell in love with him, about his death, and how I'm still losing him. I miss him. So much. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if he were still alive now. We might still be together, or we might be enemies by now. Hahah. Whichever it might be, I miss you, Mbul.

Right, this post is supposed to be kinda festive, not gloomy. So,

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, DEAR BLOG
You're one of the best thing in my life.
XOXOXOXOXOXO

Picture was taken from here.

Bidadari Bengal's Men List

Gue kemaren sempet nemu postingan blog yang alamatnya sendiri gue lupa, tentang buku berisi nama2 cowok yang dia suka. Nah, gue jadi inget juga nih, ehm, malu siy, tapi gue juga punya loh buku kayak gitu. Hihi. Sejak gue SD, gue punya 1 buku yang isinya nama2 cowok yang menurut gue cakep, dan jumlah nama yang tercatat disitu sampe ada 500 nama lebih!! Pertama punya buku itu waktu gue kelas 5 SD, dan terakhir gue ngeliat wujud buku itu kalo gak salah waktu gue masuk SMU. Udah gak tau kemana itu buku, mungkin udah kebakar, mungkin udah jadi kertas pembungkus sayur, ato udah jadi bahan ketawaan siapapun penemunya. Buku tulis biasa merek AA, disampul coklat dan dibungkus plastik, begitu dibuka ada tulisan: 

"Property of Bidadari Bengal

Daftar Calon Bapak Anak-anaknya Bidadari Bengal"

Ternyata dari kecil gue tu emang udah parah yak? Gila laki! Hahahahahahh... Nomor 1 adalah pastinya Johnny Depp. I've been in love with him since the first time I watched him in 21 Jump Street. Sejak gue punya buku ini, gue jadi detail banget kalo nonton film dan serial TV. Ada yang cakep dikit, langsung gue cari namanya. Biarpun perannya cuma kecil banget ato numpang lewat. Yang ada itu film gak gue tonton dengan konsen karena gak sabar nungguin credit titlenya. Demi mencari nama sang cowok yang menarik mata si Bidadari Bengal kecil. Gue bisa loh nyewa laser disc (masih jamannya laser disc!! gilee...) dan mencari nama aktor yang memerankan, misalnya: Pizza Delivery Man, ato Beach Volley Player #3. Najis banget ih gue ternyata waktu kecil! Najong, sumpah! 

Bisa dibilang gue jadi ngikutin perjalanan aktor itu mulai dari awal karir mereka sebagai figuran sampe jadi pemeran utama. Gue yakin, pasti udah jarang yang masih tau ato inget siapa itu Dalton James, River Phoenix, Sean Astin (sebelum dia main di LOTR). Apalagi William McNamara (gue jatuh cinta abis sama niy cowok gara2 liat serialnya kalo gak salah di TVRI. Judulnya lupa, pokoknya lokasinya di Hawaii. Sempet nongol di Dumb & Dumber kalo gak salah), sama Dan Gauthier (siapa hayooo?)

In a disorderly order, here are some of my more than 500 husband-to-be (gubrak!):

Johnny Depp

Yang ini mah gak perlu diterangin lagi. Ailapyu Kang Dedeeepp...

Richard Grieco

Officer Dennis Booker yang akhirnya dibuatin serial spin off dari 21 Jump Street, Booker. Aww, this guy is hot!

William McNamara

Namanya inget, tapi filmnya lupa. Pokoknya settingnya di Hawaii deh.

Sean Connery

Tuh, yang tua aja gue doyan. Uh...

Sting

Gue rasa cewek yang gak suka Sting tu bukan cewek sejati. Muka keren, suara maut, lagu enak. Apa lagi yang kurang, coba? 

Ken Olandt

Dia yang memperkosa Officer Judy Hoffs kalo gak salah. Ato yang nolong dia ya? Pokoknya dia sempet jadi bintang tamu deh di 21 Jump Street.

Dan Gauthier

Pilot helikopter di Tour of Duty. Oh mamak... Cakep kali makhluk ini dahulu. Hingga kini pun. Halah...

Dalton James

Makhluk keren yang akhirnya dapet peran lumayan di Father of The Bride. Trus ilang lagi deh. Hehe.

Jan Michael Vincent

Lt Hawk di Airwolf. Cita2 gue jadi pilot Airwolf loh dulu. Keren banget kan. Turbo on! Whoooossshhhh... 

Yah demikian laporan memori sekilas si Bidadari Bengal yang haus lelaki. Kalo dulu gue suka cowok yang cakep dan manis dan imut, sekarang mah gue sukanya yang cakep tapi manly. Clive Owen, Daniel Craig, CrewCut. Ihiks... Tapi kalo diliat2 lagi, sebenernya selera gue cukup konsisten ya. Cowok2 diatas itu gak semuanya imut banget kan? :p

Kerokan Terdahsyat

Gokiiiil!! Kemaren gue ke salon seharian. Mantaaap. Krimbat, manicure, refleksi, scrub punggung, ear spa, and massage. Kalo pedicurenya siy udah pas kena giliran mati lampu di kantor hari Kamis kemaren. Hehee...

Dari jam 10an gue udah berasa ada bibit2 migrain. Dan bener aja, makin lama makin kenceng pusingnya. Krimbat dan pijat refleksi gak ngefek ngurangin tuh migren. Akhirnya sekalian aja gue minta massage. Mbaknya bilang, 'Mbak masuk angin ya? Ini saya cuman pijit gini aja kok punggungnya langsung merah. Saya kerokin aja ya?'

Gue jawab langsung, 'Mau mbak, tapi jangan keras2 ya ngerokinnya.'

Emang gak keras ngeroknya. Malah tarikannya pun slow gitu. Dan teratur. Dan rapat. Dan total. Sumpah, setelah dikerok, punggung gue jadi kayak kursi rotan warna merah tua. NGERI!! Sampe rumah gue kasih liat ke kakak ipar gue. Dia sampe langsung buang muka gitu saking ngerinya. Gue langsung dikasih obat dan disuruh langsung tidur. Just what I needed actually, sih. Hehe. Thanks, sis. :)

Tapi gue yakin, kerokan ini gak bakal terlupakan seumur hidup gue. Hiks...

Happy For You, Kucil!

Kucil is a married woman now! Uhuuy!! Congratulations, dear. May you have a beautiful life ahead. Amen...

On a side note, I'm very happy for you. I don't have all knowledge of your history with Boonce, but at least I know what you wanted me to know about him. And I know your history with Chubs. Hwkhwkhwk... Oops, that's a restricted area from now on, right? *Wink* Oh well, how could I forget it? We have good memories with Chubs, and to remember how it's somehow connected to Batman too. Both guys turned out to be not the ones for us, huh? One has been taken, and my Batman has passed away. But still, great memories!!

Heck, how did it get to be such a gloomy posting? Sorry, hehe. It's just that I still kinda pined for Batman. *Wiping imaginary tears*

Now, now... Again, I want to say: HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE WITH BOONCE, CIL. WE'LL STILL STICK TOGETHER. DON'T LET MEN TEAR US APART! HWAHAHAHAHAHAKS...

:P

Happy Anniversary, Mom & Dad

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, Mom & Dad!

If you were still here with us, we would celebrate your 46th anniversary today. But anyway, we still pray for you Ma, Pa. We love you. So much. Always.

My Lebaran 2009 Holiday

Waaah, long time no blog. Hi y'all... Holiday's over. And I still need more days off. I've been having flu for the past week. And I still have it. So, I spent most of my holiday in bed. Well, some of it, anyway. :p

As soon as I got back from Bandung, our family went 'nyekar' to our mom and dad's. This Lebaran somehow felt weird to me. I have no parents. I only have my sibling left, and we went to his parents in law's home again this year. I felt like I had no home. *Sniff*...

At first, I considered to stay at home to have some time for myself. Then I realized how pathetic it seemed. So I decided to go with the family, and I'm not sorry I did. I've had marvellous time with Bangbag. She's such a cute and lovable little girl. Though she could be unbearable sometimes. Hehee... All in all, I got some precious moments, 3 shorts, and a tank top. Not bad, eh? Since I didn't plan to shop either. :)

Then, I went to Dufan with Syd on Friday. If you remember, Syd is my best friend since elementary who now is a permanent resident in Aussie. She's spending her year leave here in Jakarta. That would make it a month, I guess. We had so much fun there. Dufan was crowded, but the queues weren't so bad, really. And we managed to try Tornado, at last. Wheee... I loved it!! Wish to try again next time, when we weren't so hurried.

The next day, I went to PIM with Bangbag, her mom, and my lil bro. We ate at Bakmi GM, then meeting Syd at Gramedia. Oh boy! We went berserk there. After so long not hunting for books, I was like a bird freed from its cage. We also bought some learning books for Bangbag. All in all, we spent more than a million rupiah that day, only at Gramedia. Yippee!!

Okay, time to go home. Happy back to work, everyone... Cheers...