Reminiscing and Remembering (The Boys)

I was in a contemplative mood. And this is the result. Contemplating my past relationships and flings. Can you see the pattern in them? I'm pretty sure I have an aberration in my mind, aside of being plain hormonal, err, I mean horny.

Agy
The guy who was always in the back of my mind. Probably I am to be permanently curious. See, we started something but never got around to finish it properly the first time. Until we met again, and started a fling. Even that went intermittently and then wore off. Still, we left each other hanging. Sucks, huh?

Rex
Rex, hmm. One of my failure in nonexistent relationship. Married with kids, has a gaylike attitude, but he seemed rough at the start. But well hey, that's what happens when you jumped into a fling too soon. A lesson learned, the hard way.

Perry
A married Bataknese who's in a critical marriage condition. The backup guy who I had let go. Can't imagine myself with him for a long term, but at that time, you know what they say: dibuang sayang :p. But when he said he's ready to go through a separation with wifey and dared to propose to me, that's the end. I wasn't a girl looking for commitment. Damn, commitments scare me more than Count Dracula!

Eric
An interesting guy. He always makes the first move but sometimes acts all innocent. Knows he's attractive and has his own groupies. Seeming aloof with them and treating everyone the same. But when they're not around, then he makes his hands available and keeps hugging and touching me and making sexual innuendos. Must be careful with him, I already knowingly make him as my second resort whenever I have a conflict with Joe. And yeah, he's married.

Ben
My first kosher boyfriend, which turned out like having no boyfriend at all. No thrills, no sparks, well probably a one way spark. His way. :p Well, no more kosher than Mbul. He's actually a divorcee with a daughter. He tried to hide his status from me, but I'm not stupid. It's not like I minded, all my relationships before him had been with married guys, so his status was actually an improvement. Or so I thought.

Wes
A single guy, and one of my weakness. I actually have regrets that I led him on, especially that now I have Joe. But it's kinda hard to blow his bubble and deflate him, even though I know I'm not that into him now. So, he's turning into a liability. It scares me whenever I thought how attracted I was to him at the start of or fling, and how turned off I am now.

Jimmy
The guy who escaped untouched. A two way attraction, he even made plans of sexual positions he wanted to experiment with me, hahahaha. But he's too chicken to jump me in reality, and I'm a bit turned off by his indecision. Though I didn't mind ruining his ideals so he'd see the world as I did. Idealistic sucks, my friends. The flirting was fun while it lasts, though.

CrewCut
A superfling. Wow. What a rebound guy. Always available for me. He even said he loved me. But I know better than to snatch him away from wifey. Anyways, serious relationships were turnoffs. Pfffft...

Mbul
Not many people can say that they have a loved one who passed away, who died and left you hanging. Damnit, Mbul! He saved me from Alv. I was happy for the first time, and felt so free when we started seeing each other. but apparently He had other plan. Rest in peace, Mbul. Hope your son grows to be a good person. 

Alv
A piece of shit, a retard, a junkard, an asshole, a bully, an abuser, a coward. 5 years of abuse, and i won't have any of that anymore. I'm free as a bird. Or so I thought until I met, well, Joe. 

Joe
Well, that's for another story. :p

Call It Magic

Call it magic.
The way things fold whenever I start something with a new guy. Whether it a relationship or just a fling.

The waiting.
The feeling of delicious anticipation. Butterflies in my stomach. Making no assumption that he's already into me.

The rush.
The thrilling blood coursing through my veins, willing him to kiss me. To violate me.

The willing.
I believe in the power of will. I believe in my power of attraction. I believe in my willpower to attract the guys I want.

Call it magic.
Call it magic whenever I have my first kiss with a new guy. Yes, butterflies, thrills, attraction, magic.

Call it magic.
Call it magic when my power shot through them and have their defense crumbles. 
Call it magic when I get connected to a new guy and we fly together. Fly until the magic wears off and someone else catch my attention.
 
Pure magic. 

*album of the moment: Ghost Stories - Coldplay*

Bengal is Grateful

Just wanna take the time to say grace and be thankful for this good life. Work is great at the moment. Totally busy but can't complain about the money, though... The only bad thing is I can't play with my niece, Bangbag, as much as I want to.

And the thing that I am most grateful for is Joe. He came into my life, wormed his way into my heart, and makes me fall in love with him. The first guy I could imagine to really spend the rest of my life with. A unique guy with principal. Anti-mainstream but also old-fashioned in some ways. He is many things. He also has faults. But he loves me, and I love him.

And I never thought I could be this corny. But, it's okay because I'm in love. It's a perfect excuse to be corny and silly, right? ;)

Life IS good. And I hope it lasts.

Thank you, God...

Bengal vs Besties vs Boys

Life is not so okay. Diva has been too busy going here and there with her boyfriend, Menik is busy with her projects, Kucil is BUSY with her 3 babies (yes, three), and I have too many flings as well as projects at the moment. 

Consider Diva is gone. It's no use asking her to meet or have time together like we used to do, she has totally given her life and time to her boyfriend. I can't help but thinking she's changed and became stupid. Jealous? Me? I guess. But putting works aside, I could always spend time with my friends. Not like someone I know. Tsk!

Menik is stressed out with her own works. Big project, big money, and little sleep. Poor her. But, we still meet at least once a week, though.

Kucil, oh my God! She gave birth to twins! And couldn't find any good babysitter till now. So, she resigned from her job, and now dedicates her time fully as a mom and wife. Something I still can't imagine I could do. :p

I miss my friends. I miss my family. Most of my time is spent in my office. Initially, I always ask Diva if she cared to go anywhere with me. But she always said that she's watching her guy performing at gigs. Meaning if I wanted to see her, I had to go to those gigs. I am so bored with his bands. I want to watch others, which Diva won't go until hell freezes over. Well, unless her guy decides he wanted to go too. Stupid! Meanwhile, it's hard for Kucil to leave her house even for lunch because she needs to bring her 3 kids along. Whoa!

So, probably the guys I'm currently with have become some kind of rebounds for me. Hahahahaa! Jeez, I'm so fucking twisted. Using guys because the best friends are all otherwise occupied instead of the other way around. :p

See here, I'm still with Rex. He's still kind of the one for me now, even if I know that I should ditch him. It's funny, because I sometimes picture us together like a sugar daddy and his girl. He got so angry when his bass player asked for my Blackberry Messenger PIN, and it would be weird if I refuse, right? Jealous as he is, I'm also still in a relationshit, yep you read that right, with Perry. This backup guy is even more the jealous type, tsk. He got jealous when his backup guitarist took me home, and it was totally innocent. Wes is still around, and we enjoy many stolen moments at work. Hohohohoo... So, I don't mind that much if I have to work late or even on weekends because I know that I could always count on him to, errr, give me pleasure *hit my own head with brick*. And then Joe, a pop singer I met in a mixing studio for a project. He fucks well, you see. ;) 

Rex's bass player is still throwing codes at me, trying so hard to bed me. His fingers are enjoyable, but I don't think it's a good idea to say yes at the moment. Another guy is Eric, which I almost kiss that other night. He's an accomplished flirt, I gotta say. I should keep my eyes open when he's around. Can't hurt to be extra alert. Don't wanna miss a kiss, right? Hehehee...

Anyways, the numero uno bestie, aka Syd, is coming home from Oz for a few days next week. I miss her a lot that I'm taking days off from work when she's here. Can't hardly wait until she arrives. So, yeah, I expect I'll have a blast with her. Woot! :D

Somehow Interconnected

Yesterday was a day full of seemingly random moments which turned to be not so random after all. And it somehow got me contemplating and digging deep into my memory for whatever kinds of existence I have through. Big words for me. Big words that came out of little things.

I've been reading Dee's Supernova books for the past few days. I've finished Ksatria, Putri dan Bintang Jatuh and Akar and now about to start Petir. What she put into her stories are stuffs beyond my imagination. She somehow compiled so many seemingly syfy materials and rewrite it into her novels thus making it easy for her readers to understand the theories. Quantum physics, Freudian and the likes, Mandelbrot, I can't even recall the other names.

Her writings put me into a deja vu mode. Years ago, I read James Redfield's books. The first one was The Celestine Prophesy, followed by The Tenth Insight, then The Secret of Shambala. Basically, the first book told about many levels of insight. You need to go on your own journey to be able to acquire them. It's a somewhat spiritual journey. And you need to believe that everything in life is interconnected. There's always a reason behind every moment, every meeting, et cetera. Nothing is a coincidence. However small the event is, there is always a purpose behind it. To see the enhanced effect of a tiny event, think of The Butterfly Effect. ;) Redfield has made me a believer, though not a participant. No new levels of insights for me, just plain believing. Maybe someday.

Then I started to read Dee's Supernova series. And it just clicks. This is Redfield comprehensively and unbelievably and crazily rewritten. Damn, I love this! My mood of the week shifted to this watchamacallit thingy. I fell into Dee's world, meanwhile, Redfield's teaching came back in a rush. I even read some articles on Fungi and nu age. Hahaha.


So, it's only natural that I would think that all these have their own purpose. Dee's books, how I came across each articles, why I'm even writing this post. Everything might seem random for us mortals, but there must be some invisible pattern in the universe, don't you think? And come to think of it, I started to feel like I could grasp some of the pattern lately. At least, the things that happen in my life. You just have to 'see', not with your eyes, but also your 'eyes' if you know what I mean, *cheeky grin*.


Let's see. Out of nowhere, suddenly Dina texted me saying that she's in Kemang. At around 2 pm. I mean, come on, what can I do at 2 pm? I work at the office at least until 6 pm everyday. And it's not like she asked me to ge there and join her. Hahaa. So I just left it at that, with some question lurking. Then as usual I check my Twitter timeline from time to time. Somehow tweets about female taxi drivers popping intermittently. I left it at that also. When I finished work, because Crewcut was still in Bandung doing a project, I took a ride with Jimmy, intending to just reach the TransJ bus shelter nearby. In the car, we talked about his love affair, my crush on Wes, and risque relationship in general. What our own views on that, his being restricted by the religion, and how I was being more liberal than him. It's funny. He's a devout Moslem, but he's still doing this thing he's doing. :D


The conversation was getting deeper and before we knew it, we already reached Prapanca. How the heck was I going to get home from there? Along the street, there's no single vacant cab. He was going to Mampang, and he said he's passing Kemang. Suddenly I got an epiphany *yeah, right*, I texted Dina asking whether she was still at that cafe in Kemang. She said she was, so Jimmy dropped me off there and he went to pick up his wife. Somehow, it felt like a platonic affair, this weird relationship of mine with him. Hahahahahaa... Anyway, Dina was with her colleague, Aning. There's also Aning's friend from Jogja, Wahyu. He's totally new in Jakarta, but his courage deserved an applause. He went everywhere by public transport, even since his first day here. And this is only his third day. He was going to leave the cafe when I came in, but he had no clue about which public transport to take to get to his destination. So I came to his rescue and told him which angkots and buses he could take. See, there's apparently a reason why I was sent to that place. :D

Aaaand then, when they finished and we're about to pay, the place didn't accept cards. Cash only. The girls had no cash. I did. Once again, Bengal became their hero. Xixixixi... Who would have thought I would be of service like that? :p

Okay, I can't take it anymore. Let's just roll this through faster. We hailed a cab, and the driver is female. Ohmigosh. After all day reading tweets on female taxi drivers. How weirder could the day be? Weird, unless you believe in the above theory. Don't you think? :)))

A day of randomness, causalities... Synchronicity... Cosmic interference/direction? Okay, it IS weird. :/

PS: Would you believe it took me more than 2 months to write this fucking post?

Bengal is Exhilarated

Never thought would see the day that Bengal is feeling this lost. Again. Whoa... Hahaha... And all this is caused by one unexpected person. Yeah, you guessed right. The guy who had been dubbed as My Voice. Let's just call him Wes, yeah? :)

With some weird support from Jimmy, the supposedly devout but otherwise twisted, I started to try seducing Wes. Jeez, did I really just say 'seduce'? :/ What I mean is I'm trying to get closer to Wes. I think I genuinely like this guy. Indeed, I had been falling in lust with him. But what the heck, there's no other guy I'm attracted to at the moment. Why shouldn't it be Wes? Jimmy said that he's single, so for the first time in my adult life I'm doing someone kosher. So this is somewhat challenging for me. *grins*

So far, we've gone out to the movie once, with him stating that no one else from the office should know about it. But I had told Jim, anyway. Pffftt, me and my blabbermouth. We've been chatting on BBM a few times. And he's no longer working at my office, so I can't see him regularly anymore. *sobs*

Heck yeah! I missed feeling like this! Now, I feel alive, again. Yippeey!

To be or not to be with you, Wes, I'm glad you've managed to penetrate my barriers. THIS IS FUCKIN EXHILARATING!! :D

From The Voice to My Voice

Still captivated by his voice. Thankfully (or damnedly), not for a lot longer. I'll probably be able to hold it until next week. But, damn, I think I'm starting to get caught deeper into his net.

At first, I thought I could think of him only as The Voice. But for the past few days, we have talked about many things. Things I never knew could interest him. So it hasn't been all about work and silly jokes, but also a wide range of topics. On one day we talked about a gadget he recently acquired for his work, same kind of designing pad. Then on another day, we talked about the increasing rate of motorbike gangster that has been a terror in town. Yesterday, we discussed about conspiration theories, ranging from man-made 'natural disasters', Freemasonry and Illuminati, to NII and Jamaah Islamiyah.

And now somehow he had changed into My Voice. It's just that he's not mine. Shit. Have I fallen for him? Everyday I have difficulties restraining my limbs not to touch him. Not to hold him. Stupid Bengal. Shouldn't let an intelligent mind screw with me.

The Voice + Intelligence = Bengal's Doomsday...

Fuck me, please. Literally, honey... :'(

Well, Kinda...

Isn't it kinda weird to stare at someone's BlackBerry Messenger profile picture or Facebook account or Twitter avatars and be able to say something like, 'Hmm, he kissed divinely,' or 'Eh, I've fucked him once,' or 'I know he wants me, I want him, should get this over with and meet up with him...'?

If so, well then, I AM weird. Well, kinda... *sigh*

Okay, not weird. Slutty, maybe. :((

Bengal Pengen Ganti Haluan

Mulai resah lagi. Rasanya pengen cabut aja dari kerjaan terus jalan2 suka2 gue. Ngegembel, ngegembel deh. Kayak yang gue pernah tulis sebelumnya di blog ini. Tapi yaa, lagi2 ini masih masih mimpi.

Tapi gue udah mulai usaha lebih untuk mencapai mimpi gue itu. Insignificant efforts, but still better than nothing. The bro fully supports me, to the extent he even paid for this special crash course. I won't tell you what it is. :D

Preparing myself for living on much less than I do now. Thinking of quitting my day job. Trying to write more, which fails. :p Trying to broaden my local travel experience.

All of those things detracked me from my work. Now, I can't concentrate at office. More absence than presence. Naughty Bengal. Hope this works for me. Wish me luck... :)

Bengal & Agy in A One Night Stand

Curiosity killed a cat. But it didn't kill me. It just kept me amused. :D

Maybe I should start from the beginning. Some time last week, Agy texted me and said that he would be home alone for a few months. His parents went out of town visiting his sister. We did not chat for long, just a little flirting as we both had been busy with something. As days gone by, I started to think that maybe he had just baited me to see my reaction. Maybe he was only checking his female contacts one by one to see who would bite. I sure as hell bit, but maybe he had a better offer?

But little as I know him, I was pretty sure that he was not a real player. He was just being himself. Wasting no time for tete-a-tete. Almost always straight to the point unless if he had thought that some persuasion is needed. So I did not expect much on the romancing department. I decided not to initiate anything. Just waiting and waiting until HE bit. And he did. Mwahahahahahaa... He sent me a BBM a few minutes after midnight on Thursday, 'Come to my place, Bengal. Please.'

I kept him waiting for half an hour, then I texted, 'When?' Seconds later, he replied, 'Now. Tonight.' @.@ Hellooo? What time is it, boy? I'm not some McDonald's menu that can be ordered 24/7. *Cue: pass out.*

Then I said, 'The only time I can spare is tomorrow night. Suits you?'

He replied, 'Tomorrow night. Can't wait. I'm horny as hell right now. Good night, Bengal. :*'

I left it unread until the morning after. But I'm pretty sure I got a spring in my walk that morning. That feeling of sharp expectation. Frustrating yet exhilarating. I've been waiting for some kind of closure with this particular guy. What we were about to do that night could turn into the climax and ended right after, or could be a new beginning in a perverse relationship. I could not be sure which one I would have preferred. Even until now.

All day was spent fantasizing about what would happen that night. My colleagues were probably a bit confused as to why I turned silent all day. I was nervous, almost a wreck, which was so not me. But even I had to admit that Agy was not like some other guy. Agy was the one that constantly on my mind since that kiss years ago. Once, I might have changed guys like I bought shoes, but I could swear, he's always there at the back of my mind. Seeking answer of what could have been. Stupidly insane. Disgustingly corny. Insanely unbelievable. At least for me. Shit, this is big, huh?

Let's just pass the small details. So, at his house, we made small talk. Unwinding after work and before sex *grins*. Just sitting in his living room. His arms started to snake their way around me, not long after that we started to kiss. A short one for starter. Testing the water. Longer one after that. And waaaaay longer after that one. Tongues battling, biting the opponent's lips, sucking and licking and all those delicious things. When it's getting even more unbearable, he stood up and pulled my hand. We went to his room upstairs.

His bed was still made up. I jumped onto it and sniffed his pillow. Not 2 seconds after, he put his body on top of my back and held me still. He kissed the back of my neck while his hands roamed all over. The night had just begun! :D I slipped from under and we changed positions. Lips locked, somehow our hands managed to undress each other almost effortlessly. Thank goodness I had been exercising regularly for the past few months so I had better stamina. And it was a long night. Almost two years of celibating and we broke it by finishing a box full of condom. Dotted ones. Felt so good. ;) Minor problem arised, egos acted up, but I managed to be the bigger person. The fact that his hand jobs and BJs were phenomenal might help. I could swear, setting some problems aside, he's the best sex buddy I've ever had.

In the morning, we woke up and did it again. And again. And then we went down and finishing some business. He continued his works, and I just sat beside him. I anticipated something like this therefore I had a book with me. I read, he worked. I read, he touched me. I touched him back, he worked. I read again, he touched me again. I touched him, all hell broke loose. We did it in his living room. In broad daylight. Curtains half closed. Other people could have looked inside with little effort. And we couldn't care less. Damn this neverending horniness! It totally clouded our judgements and sensibilities. It's a good thing no one had caught us, otherwise we might have been snatched out and paraded outside like those stories in Pos Kota. *swallowed*

As it was nearing afternoon, our moods changed perceptibly. It was like we had started to raise our barriers back. What happened between us there would stay there and then. Oh, we talked about stuffs in between sex. He said that we couldn't have predicted what would happen in the future. Who knew if we might be each other's soulmate? Which I didn't buy because I thought it was just his way keeping me pliable that night. And I was right. When the barrier was up, he was his distant self again. No funny business after that. He must be bipolar. He was so nice and loving when we were intimate, yet so cold and distant the rest of the time. And there's a hint of childishness too.

And why am I trying to analyze him? He's not a potential partner. Heck, he's not a partner material, period! But, I still have to admit that I have a soft spot for him. I don't know, maybe because we had history together? Despite what I had thought about him, I still want him to be available for me. Gosh, I'm so screwed up!

But it was a good night. :)

Y U NO Say Yes To Indonesian Music?

Saat gue masih usia sekolah, sampe gue kuliah deh, haram hukumnya bagi gue untuk dengerin musik lokal kecuali yang alirannya jazz. Kayaknya hina banget kalau gue sampe ketangkap basah lagi dengerin lagu Indonesia, apalagi yang dangdut atau keroncong. Parah banget deh gue.

Sekarang kayaknya gue ketulah. Vocabulary musik gue lebih banyak ke musik Indonesia daripada musik barat. Sekarang giliran gue yang terheran-heran sama temen-temen sekantor gue yang justru gak bisa denger musik Indonesia. Suatu waktu kita lagi karaokean, pas gue request lagunya GIGI dan Padi, salah satu temen gue ngomong, 'Ih, kok lagu mereka sih? Gue paling gak pernah deh dengerin musik Indonesia. Apa bagusnya?' *Jleb* Di saat itulah gue berasa kesentil dan jadi inget bahwa dulu gue juga seperti mereka. Shit, I used to be like them. :O

Musik Indonesia dulu dan sekarang menurut gue udah jauh beda. Ada orang yang bilang jadi lebih bagus, dan ada yang bilang malah mutunya menurun. Kalau menurut gue sih justru lebih bagus. Cakupan musiknya makin meluas, berkembang jauh dibanding dulu. Gak usah ngomongin kualitas deh, karena selera orang udah pasti beda. Kalo gue inget dulu rata2 lagu liriknya tentang cinta dan patah hati, sekarang udah lebih kreatif. Temanya bisa tentang politik, hal2 santai dalam kehidupan sehari2, ekologi, seks (of course!), dll. Melodinya makin menarik, keseluruhan sound udah jelas makin ok. Dulu alat musik cuma yang standar seperti gitar, piano/organ, drum, gitar (listrik), sekarang udah bisa diolah digital secara live. Makin cinta musik gak sih lo? :D

Dulu lo dengerin Panbers ato Betharia Sonata nyanyi kayaknya hits banget. Sekarang dong, ada GIGI, Slank, Maliq & The Essentials, Sherina, Andien, dan masih banyak lagi dengan berbagai aliran musik dan ciri khas masing2. Setiap musisi dan band harus memiliki keunikan tersendiri supaya bisa berhasil dan diakui oleh pendengarnya. Masing-masing punya fanbase yang kritis terhadap musik, gak sekedar tergila-gila karena penampilan si artis. Yaah, jangan ngitung SM*SH dan para endorser iklan sosis yang aneh itu ya, mereka mah bukan musisi, tapi sampah. IMHO ya. ;)

Permainan musik musisi papan atas di Indonesia makin matang dan solid. Gak kalah sama musisi luar negeri. Liriknya makin berisi dan berkualitas. Tapi kenapa masih banyak anak muda yang kayaknya jijik sama musik lokal ya? Kalo pun ada, sorry to say, kebanyakan berasal dari strata sosial menengah ke bawah, cenderung ke bawah malah. Yang sisanya malah ngefansnya sama Justin Bieber dan Lady Gaga. Packaging mereka emang ok dan terkonsep dari segi penampilan, tapi kalo musiknya, plis deh. Mendingan denger Wali kemana-mana. Sumpah!

So, there. I've said it. Yup, gue suka musik lokal dan gue bangga karena gue suka. Dulu memang gue khilaf, tapi sekarang kan udah insyaf *halah*. So, peeps, dengerin dulu deh musiknya, gue yakin lo pasti suka. :D

Beb, Beb, Bebeb...

Seriously, do not ever call me 'Beb' or 'Bebeb'. Coming from experience and observation, I find those so called endearments insulting. You know I work in event management. One important thing in the business is human resources, and one of them is Sales Promotion Girls/Boys. There are thousands of SPG in Jakarta only. Most of them know each other by face, but could hardly recall each others' names unless they are in the same agency or have been working together for a long period of time. So, unashamedly, they use 'Bebeb' to call their friends.

Once I asked a girl how did 'Bebeb' came into her vocabulary, and why she started to use it. She said that her friends started to use it first, and it's probably started by the wardrobe and make up gays who fussed over them. And voila! Everyone's name is Bebeb. Just call them Beb. Bleh...

If you say that Bebeb means 'Sayang,' hellooo... Maybe you mean 'Baby' ya? I use it only for the people I really care about, not to just about anyone. You'd only degrade the meaning of the word. It's called endearment for a reason, ya know, to endear someone. *sigh*

So, that's the reasons of why I so hate to be called Bebeb. It's awful. You can always ask my name if you don't know or forget. You think I'm too extreme? Too lebay? So be it. I am entitled to state my own opinion. And I have a right to not be called Bebeb. By ANYONE.

Thank you.

Nyekar Rock n Roll

Alhamdulillah akhirnya kemaren berhasil nyekar ke makam keluarga gue. Secara pulang kerja pasti macet, gue minta tolong CrewCut nganterin gue pake motornya siang2 gitu ke makam, karena lokasinya juga gak jauh2 amat sih dari kantor. Untung dia mau. :)

Pas sampe di makam, gue beli bunga sekeranjang plus beberapa botol air mawar, karena selain bokap n nyokap gue, di makam itu juga ada 2 kakak sulung gue plus eyang gue, dan beberapa saudara yang lain. Pertama gue nyekar ke makam nyokap dan kakak2 gue. CrewCut ikut kirim doa. Yang bikin agak aneh kok nih anak mendadak diem kayak lagi kenapa gitu. Di makam masih tersebar kelopak2 bunga dan daun yang udah mengering, mungkin sisa dari kakak gue yang nyekar minggu lalu. Makam kakak gue sisi2nya agak keropos, entah tanahnya yang kering atau karena para penghuni liar di kompleks pemakaman itu yang sembarangan tiduran atau duduk disitu. :(( Berasa kangennya sama nyokap deh. Biasanya kalo udah deket lebaran, pasti kita bikin masak untuk sajian ke keluarga dan tamu yang dateng ke rumah. Secara nyokap dan bokap masing2 adalah orang yang dituakan di keluarga masing2, maka kita pasti open house tiap lebaran. Nyokap dapet bagian bikin masakan kayak rendang, sayur labu dll dst dsb, segala macam masakan yang gue males banget ngerjainnya karena gue gak suka tangan gue kotor sama bumbu. Hehee... Sementara gue dapet bagian bikin macam2 cookies dan cake. Gue paling seneng wangi cookies yang lagi dipanggang di oven. Mmmmmhhh... Sayang aja oven di rumah udah gak sekeren dulu. Pengen deh bikin cookies and cake lagi. Dijamin pada doyan dan heran, ternyata gue jago juga masaknya. Biasanya sih orang2 emang pada gak percaya kalo gue kasih cookies buatan gue. Pada gak tau aja kalo gue ini maestro. Hmm... :p

Dari makam nyokap, gue pindah nyekar ke makam bokap dan eyang kakung yang letaknya bersebelahan. Gue cabutin rumput kering dan bersihin sedikit makamnya. Setelah itu baru siram air mawar dan tabur bunga. CrewCut agak banyak nanya2 tentang siapa aja keluarga gue yang dimakamin disitu. Gue cerita macem2 sambil kita duduk di samping makam bokap. Gue paling kangen sama bokap, mungkin karena emang gue paling dekat sama bokap dari sejak kecil. He's my hero, my first love, the one I want my guy one day to be like. Anak papa banget deh gue. :p Bokap adalah orang yang cenderung diam tapi selalu terasa kehadirannya. Gue orang yang paling gak pernah curhat ke keluarga gue. Tapi kalo lagi galau, gue ajak aja bokap hangout berdua kemana gitu. Entah nonton ke bioskop, atau makan ke KFC, atau sok2an nonton live music di kafe. Tapi ya gue kira2 juga. Cari live musicnya juga yang rada musik2 evergreen gitu deh istilahnya. Gak mungkin kan bokap gue ajak dengerin musik yang hardcore atau hip hop? Hehee... Kalo lagi hangout sama bokap, gue cuek aja minum alcoholic drinks, karena beliau percaya sama gue, lagian kan gue minumnya ditemenin sama bokap. Jadi takarannya ketauan. Malah kadang bokap pesen minuman, gue yang disuruh minum. 'Kamu harus coba semua, Bengal. Yang penting tau rasanya, tapi jangan sampe mabok atau jadi alcoholic. Yang penting kamu tau batas. Nih, cobain Whisky Cola punya Papa.' Hihi, bokap gue emang rock n roll abis. I love you, Pa. :*

Di perjalanan balik ke kantor, baru deh si CrewCut cerita kalo dia tadi di makam diajak ngobrol sama eyang dan keluarga gue, termasuk bokap n nyokap. Katanya dia dititipin gue. *Dueeeeenggg!!*

-______-'

"Haaaaahhhh???? Maksud looo???' Gue kaget setengah idup dengernya.

'Ya itu. Tadi bokap lo seneng banget lo datengin dan doain beliau ke makamnya. Terus yang di sebelah bokap itu eyang lo ya? Wataknya mirip gitu berdua. Masa beliau nitipin lo ke gue, Ngal. Abis eyang lo bilang gitu, yang lain pada ngikut juga nitipin lo ke gue. Ya bokap, nyokap, kakak lo, sampe eyang putri lo yang di Jawa juga tadi ada.'

Gue langsung cengo dong. Pas denger bahwa bokap gue seneng gue datengin, gue sempet speechless dan pengen nangis. Rasanya legaaaaa banget denger bokap seneng. Aneh ya. Ngetik ini aja sekarang mata gue jadi berkaca2 lagi. Hiks... Tapi yang gue bingung, kenapa gue malah dititipin ke dia ya? Malah mustinya kan pada marah ke kita, secara kita berdua badung gitu. Terus CrewCut bilang kalo nyokap gue udah tau. Tapi tetep aja ikutan nitipin gue, bukannya malah murka gimana gitu. Oh, even di alam lain, keluarga gue pun tetep rock n roll. Yasalaaam...

Dan jujur, kejadian hari itu sukses membuat gue tercenung dan bengong. Percaya gak percaya, tapi CrewCut emang bisa komunikasi dengan alam lain tersebut. Kalo di kantor ato daerah rumahnya ada orang lagi kesurupan aja pasti dia yang nyembuhin. Tengil2 gitu tapi sakti. Kadang keliatan blo'on tapi sakti. Emang orang sakti itu sakti ya. *Kayaknya gue mulai melantur deh* Oh, well. Yah begitulah ceritanya. Gue gak tau apa ada hal lain yang dia gak ceritain ke gue. Yang jelas dia juga bilang kalo watak bokap dan gue mirip. Itu aja gue uda seneng. Hehee...

Makasih ya CrewCut, udah nemenin gue nyekar, eh pake apes ketitipan gue oleh almarhum keluarga gue. :)

Revelation

Revelation. What a word. What would you do when you found out that nothing is as it seems? Yeah, I know. Nothing IS as it seems. Ever. So, why would I be surprised? It's just I wouldn't have expected this, from my own best friend nonetheless. Feeling betrayed? Somewhat.

Well, it's not that bad, actually. She just suddenly decided to be more her own person. Which she apparently hadn't been in all these years of friendship with me and Kucil. Which we didn't know until now. Some friends we are, huh? :( Now all we have to do is to adapt and adjust. :/

Keeping Up or Letting Go?

Bingung sendiri. Sebenernya gue yang berubah atau dia yang berubah ya? Akhir2 ini suka kaget plus gak nyaman dengan apa yang ada. Jangan salah, ini bukan tentang kerjaan kok. Yaah, untungnya sih bukan. Hahaa... Perubahan itu bagus. Hidup terus berjalan. Semuanya tumbuh, berkembang, berevolusi. Entah gue yang terjebak di zona nyaman selama bertahun2 terakhir, atau mungkin juga satu hal ajaib ini yang mendadak melakukan revolusi. Yak, gue bilang revolusi, bukan evolusi. Terlalu cepat. Gue gak yakin bisa mengikuti perubahannya. Dan jujur gue gak nyaman dengan hal tersebut. Gue berusaha tetap membuka pikiran gue, bahwa ini adalah hal yang baik. Gue masih dalam proses mencerna supaya bisa menerima dan beradaptasi dengan baik. Tapi kadang muncul rasa gak sabar. Kadang muncul pikiran buruk dan memutuskan untuk melepaskan hal tersebut. I wish I could just decide not to keep up with it and just let it go. Tapi kemudian gue pasti bakal pikir2 lagi dan terus mencoba dan mencoba untuk sabar. See, dari tulisan di atas pasti kesimpulannya adalah perubahan bukan ada di gue. At least that's what I've been thinking. Tapi gue selalu berusaha berpikir dari 2 sisi. Dari sudut pandang gue sendiri, dan dari sudut pandang counterpart gue. Setiap orang pasti ada sisi defensif, dan gue yakin kebanyakan manusia ingin stay the same. Mungkin ada hubungannya dengan konsistensi. Lo akan lebih dipercaya kalau konsisten, gak berubah-ubah. Makanya kalo dibilang, 'lo berubah!', mungkin 90 persen bakal bilang, 'gak, gue gak berubah. Lo kali yang berubah!' Kalo gue yang digituin, semoga gue bisa introspeksi dan gak langsung ngeles aja. Amin. Meanwhile, sebenernya yang berubah itu siapa? Gue atau lo? Gue sampe segini gak nyaman karena kadar kekagetannya nyaris menyamai waktu temen SMA gue buka jilbab dan jadi party animal, *gubrak*. Buat gue, perubahannya memang terlihat drastis. Dan semoga gue bisa tetap bertahan waras dan gak nurutin emosi yang bikin males. Amin...

Still Can Taste It

I still couldn't hardly believe that he kissed me there. In a bright Domino's outlet. And that I can still taste his lips on mine, even now.

God...

Bengal's Midweek Date

Yesterday was surreal. I went to the office, alone until noon. Then the other guys said that they're gonna meet up at a coffee shop to work. I asked if I was really needed to be there, otherwise I'd better stay at office. Well, they said no, so I just hung around at my desk. At about 2 pm I left and went to a salon to have my hair washed and blown. Never would I have thought that it was to be the best decision I made that day. :p

When my hair was being blown dry, Agy texted me and asked where I was. He said he was free and whether I would like to meet him somewhere. Whoa. I thought, why the heck not? So I answered that I was already off work and that I was heading to my favorite mall in South Jakarta. He then said he'd be there soon after he took care of things at his studio. I arrived first and bought a novel, then I hung around at the outdoor food court whilst reading and sipping lemonade. It was bliss.

And then he came. Said hi, hugged me and kissed my cheeks, then started talking as if we were friends. Weird for me, because I never really considered him as my friend. He had always been Syd's brother's best friend. And then he became an almost lover. When that was over, it felt like we were exes, you know. Exes who had some kind of grudges. Just plain weird. *sigh* But then he acted as if we were fine. Well, I could trace there had been a hard feeling, but let bygones be bygones. So yeah, we're like 2 newly-reacquainted persons enjoying a time together.

At the food court, we mainly talked lightly and basically just catching up. We ordered nothing but my cold drink which we finished together. I asked about his works. He enlightened me about an aspect that he loved which was the opportunity to learn and observe things. By just doing what he loved and did best. I think he's lucky. And the longer we talked, the more I realized how he'd grown more mature. He still looked the same as always. The angles on his face hardened a bit, but also gotten rounder as he had gained weight. Overall, he looked fine. Not that he was good looking. Hahaa...

We we getting hungry so we decided to move to a pizza joint nearby. It was deserted, we're the only dine-in customers there. All the better, hey? The ambience was kinda intimate. He put an arm round my shoulder. We didn't talk much, just eating and enjoying each other's presence. For once, I kept staring at him. He probably felt uncomfortable with my stares, but I couldn't help it. I was still trying to comprehend that it's really him sitting beside me, eating a pizza slice, with his arm around me. In a way, I was trying to memorize all things. His face, his voice, the scent around us, the lighting, and his kisses. Well, by the time the food were finished, he hugged me, butterfly-kissed my temple, smoothing my hair. Just like a normal couple. A normal couple that had been together for years, not hours. LOL.

At last, I got a glimpse of how it would be like if we had been together. Strangely familiar. Familiarly strange. He's like a conundrum I can't solve. Too many contradictions. Too many to be taken into consideration. Maybe it's better if I left it as it was. Much as I want to see what could happen, I don't think I could handle disappointments at the moment. *sigh*

So, I just enjoyed the time. He pulled out his laptop and finished some part of his work while I continued reading my book. Once in a while, one of us would put teasing touches. Playful touches. Invisible to all the the other people at the joint, but Agy and I could totally felt it. Risky business, haha... Then, he put his left hand on my thigh, and I play my right hand on the back of his neck. Each trying to break the other's concentration. :p Before we knew it, it was already 11 pm, and we decided to wrap the night. He swiftly kissed my lips right there. Twice. My heart stopped. Until now, I still hope there's no one saw us kissing. Those kisses were too short. And I wanted more. Way to go, Gy... :/

Holding hands, we left and caught a taxi. Then we went our separate ways.

Closure, Awkwardness, New Start?

Second BBM chat with Agy. It was still awkward. I know he wants something from me. He sent me his picture, then he asked me to do the same. I said that I was still looking more or less the same, still ugly and fat. Then can you believe what he said?

'You were beautiful last time we met, you know. Otherwise I wouldn't volunteer to take you home. And I still remember what we did that night.'

My first reaction: shocked. And then I was partly insulted, partly flattered. Easygoing that I am, I decided to take it lightly. And I replied, 'I also remember that first time in the car. My hands were shaking afterward.'

'But you'd seen me plenty of times before that, right? Why would you be shaking?'

'So? Yeah, we were familiar to each other, but we only got intense that night. Deg-degan, tau... Tapi gue gak nyangka lo masih inget.'

'Never forget. Setiap gue inget itu, langsung pusing.'

Aha! So, he was into me. Well, I kinda hurt his pride at that time, that's why we parted not at the best of terms. And this is the first contact between us after more than 4 or 5 years. Damn, it's been so long.

After that, the chatting got awkward again. I didn't know what to say to him, so I just left him hanging. And we haven't continue the convo yet. Maaany times I want to start, but I try to keep myself from doing exactly that. I'm still in a relationship. Before I get closure on this one, I'd better let Agy be. I don't want to repeat what happened on our first try.

You might wonder why I sound like I did want to start a new relationship with him. Well, I'm still not sure about that. But I know that I never really forget about being with him, about how it felt, short that it was. What we had was physical, but it was mindblowing. I never forget. Apparently he doesn't forget, too.

Honestly, I want out from my current relationship. I've been meaning to break up with Ben for weeks now, maybe even months. And suddenly Agy slip back into my life, deeper into my mind. The memory gets sharper, and it left me wanting. Badly.

Shit! I hate this. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'd be hurting Ben for a bad reason. Well, okay, Agy or no Agy, I've been meaning to break up with Ben. Being stupid, I keep on delaying and delaying. On the other hand, I have hurt Agy once. Doesn't he hold any grudge? Is he looking for payback? Am I being an idiot for letting him back into my life?

Reconnected?

Deg-degan gue. Gak ada angin gak ada badai, tadi siang Agy nge-add pin BBM gue. My God. After years of no communication, dia nge-add gue. Dia yang nge-add gue, not the other way around. I thought he hated me and want nothing to do with me forever. Jadi penasaran dia mau apa. Setelah gue approve, udah gitu doang. Ngajak chat juga nggak. *Dueeeeng...*

Oh, well. Let's see what would he do. Trying to be patient and not starting the chat with him. :p

Getting Stale

Never wanted to be clingy. So, I keep my cool when we barely communicate. Even though I know he doesn't have his cell phone which he lost a couple of weeks ago. Still, he usually borrows his friend's phones or use someone's netbook to log on Facebook. When we don't text, we send messages in Facebook. And he goes to the warnet mostly every night. So, when he seems to be disappearing from earth face these last few days, I kind of get worried. Even pissed. Because if he wants to, he could always find a way to contact me.

What pisses me off is he's the one who said that even if couldn't see each other every weekend or so, at least we must communicate in any way we could everyday. EVERYDAY. I keep my part of the bargain. Why can't he? Stupid asswipe.

I realize that I'm the type of girl who likes touching and physical contact. That's my kind of relationship. I'd like us to meet as often as possible. I can try to work around my schedule if the guy were cooperative. Well, I don't think he is. What he does requires me to commit totally into the relationship. To trust him completely when he's not around. But I want a guy who is available physically. A guy I could touch, I could kiss, a guy who could hold me in his arms. Screw the heart and all those stupid emotions. Just give me his real presence. Otherwise, I might just find the next available guy. :p

It's getting stale. Either I need to think of him in a more casual way, or break him up altogether. Casual seems tempting, though. Let him think we are together. And I'll just put it in my mind that he's a fling. A fuck-buddy. Except, we haven't got to the fucking part, yet. Jeez. Boring, much? Dude... Meh... *rolling eyes*