Reminiscing and Remembering (The Boys)

I was in a contemplative mood. And this is the result. Contemplating my past relationships and flings. Can you see the pattern in them? I'm pretty sure I have an aberration in my mind, aside of being plain hormonal, err, I mean horny.

Agy
The guy who was always in the back of my mind. Probably I am to be permanently curious. See, we started something but never got around to finish it properly the first time. Until we met again, and started a fling. Even that went intermittently and then wore off. Still, we left each other hanging. Sucks, huh?

Rex
Rex, hmm. One of my failure in nonexistent relationship. Married with kids, has a gaylike attitude, but he seemed rough at the start. But well hey, that's what happens when you jumped into a fling too soon. A lesson learned, the hard way.

Perry
A married Bataknese who's in a critical marriage condition. The backup guy who I had let go. Can't imagine myself with him for a long term, but at that time, you know what they say: dibuang sayang :p. But when he said he's ready to go through a separation with wifey and dared to propose to me, that's the end. I wasn't a girl looking for commitment. Damn, commitments scare me more than Count Dracula!

Eric
An interesting guy. He always makes the first move but sometimes acts all innocent. Knows he's attractive and has his own groupies. Seeming aloof with them and treating everyone the same. But when they're not around, then he makes his hands available and keeps hugging and touching me and making sexual innuendos. Must be careful with him, I already knowingly make him as my second resort whenever I have a conflict with Joe. And yeah, he's married.

Ben
My first kosher boyfriend, which turned out like having no boyfriend at all. No thrills, no sparks, well probably a one way spark. His way. :p Well, no more kosher than Mbul. He's actually a divorcee with a daughter. He tried to hide his status from me, but I'm not stupid. It's not like I minded, all my relationships before him had been with married guys, so his status was actually an improvement. Or so I thought.

Wes
A single guy, and one of my weakness. I actually have regrets that I led him on, especially that now I have Joe. But it's kinda hard to blow his bubble and deflate him, even though I know I'm not that into him now. So, he's turning into a liability. It scares me whenever I thought how attracted I was to him at the start of or fling, and how turned off I am now.

Jimmy
The guy who escaped untouched. A two way attraction, he even made plans of sexual positions he wanted to experiment with me, hahahaha. But he's too chicken to jump me in reality, and I'm a bit turned off by his indecision. Though I didn't mind ruining his ideals so he'd see the world as I did. Idealistic sucks, my friends. The flirting was fun while it lasts, though.

CrewCut
A superfling. Wow. What a rebound guy. Always available for me. He even said he loved me. But I know better than to snatch him away from wifey. Anyways, serious relationships were turnoffs. Pfffft...

Mbul
Not many people can say that they have a loved one who passed away, who died and left you hanging. Damnit, Mbul! He saved me from Alv. I was happy for the first time, and felt so free when we started seeing each other. but apparently He had other plan. Rest in peace, Mbul. Hope your son grows to be a good person. 

Alv
A piece of shit, a retard, a junkard, an asshole, a bully, an abuser, a coward. 5 years of abuse, and i won't have any of that anymore. I'm free as a bird. Or so I thought until I met, well, Joe. 

Joe
Well, that's for another story. :p

Call It Magic

Call it magic.
The way things fold whenever I start something with a new guy. Whether it a relationship or just a fling.

The waiting.
The feeling of delicious anticipation. Butterflies in my stomach. Making no assumption that he's already into me.

The rush.
The thrilling blood coursing through my veins, willing him to kiss me. To violate me.

The willing.
I believe in the power of will. I believe in my power of attraction. I believe in my willpower to attract the guys I want.

Call it magic.
Call it magic whenever I have my first kiss with a new guy. Yes, butterflies, thrills, attraction, magic.

Call it magic.
Call it magic when my power shot through them and have their defense crumbles. 
Call it magic when I get connected to a new guy and we fly together. Fly until the magic wears off and someone else catch my attention.
 
Pure magic. 

*album of the moment: Ghost Stories - Coldplay*

Seminggu Yang Pedas

Seminggu belakangan ini, nafsu menyantap makanan super pedas semakin menggila. Setiap hari, gue makan di Warung Penyet Bu Kris, Bebek Ireng Cak Baz, Bebek Goreng Pak Joko Putro, Bebek Goreng H. Slamet, dan Ramen Sanpachi.

Entah kenapa, tiap gue ke Warung Bu Kris, pas browsing menunya yang banyak itu, gue selalu end up dengan Lele Penyet Super Pedas, Tahu Telor, dan Sayur Asem. Biarpun di awal udah bayangin ayam goreng, bebek goreng, gurame, tempe/tahu, telor, baksi, udang, teri, dll, tetep aja pesennya lele. Heran. Daaan, efek makan disini adalah bibir merah, keringetan sekujur tubuh, perut begah, dan pose nyender dengan mata sayu bego.  Dua minggu sekali ke sini masih oke lah. Tapi seminggu sekali atau dua kali, jadi flat rasanya. Cuma dapat kenyang doang.

Nah, kalo cowok gue senengnya Bebek Ireng Cak Baz. Gue sebenernya sih biasa aja sama sambel di sini. Kurang gahar. Tapi Joe suka, ya kesini deh kadang-kadang. Nah, jangan pesen yang lain selain bebek peking, karena cuma dia yang dagingnya paling empuk sampe nyaris copot dari tulang. Kalo varian bebek yang lainnya pada lumayan alot. Bagusnya di sini lo bebas ambil sambelnya, karena udah tersaji di meja.

Bebek Goreng Pak Joko Putro ini emang edan. Favorit gue selain bebek goreng adalah paru goreng, tahu, dan SAMBAL SETAN yang musti dipesan khusus. Asli SETAN nih sambel. Sukaaaaa!! Sayur asemnya juga oke loh. Kalo Joe pasti tambah pete. Gue sih jauh-jauh dari benda terkutuk itu. Haduh, jadi pengen ke sana lagi. Ntar malem boleh juga kayaknya. Gak bakal bosen kalo ke sini tiap hari sih. :D

Kalo Bebek Goreng H. Slamet sih gak usah dibahas lah ya. Emangnya masih ada yang belum pernah makan di sana? Pesanan gue, jelas paha dan kepala goreng, tahu/tempe kalo ada, tambah nasi 1/2, dan ekstra 2 sambal. Untuk gue doang. Sambal korek Slamet, I heart you, beibeh...

Ramen Sanpachi. Hmmm... Emang pedes dan bikin keringatan. Apalagi yang pake level kayak Jigoku Ramen itu. Gue biasanya sih mentok di level 8 aja. Itu udah cukup bikin mules, biarpun kadang lidah gue masih mencari sesuatu yang nendang. Sayangnya, kalo tambah level pedes, berarti rasanya makin asiiiin, padahal mah porsi mie dan kuahnya ya tetep segitu aja. Kalo mau ya lo pesen level yang kira-kira keasinannya gak bikin rambut lo rontok, terus minta tambah rawit merah deh. Yang paling oke di sini menurut gue justru bukan ramen, tapi tori karaage-nya. Yang paling gak oke, service charge dan tax-nya. Rasanya lebih nendang daripada jigoku level 15. Cih!

Dan bisa ngebahas makanan-makanan bersambel itu, jadi pengen aja makan lagi. Tapi gue bingung, seminggu ini malah belum mules dan belum boker. Sadis, sialan. Perut udah gede banget gini, belum kebuang isinya. Perlu cabe yang kayak gimana lagi sih biar bisa nguras isi perut?

Eh, ada tukang bakso lewat! Tuang sambel ke mangkok trus tambahin bakso dan kuah enak juga kayaknya. :p

Bengal is Grateful

Just wanna take the time to say grace and be thankful for this good life. Work is great at the moment. Totally busy but can't complain about the money, though... The only bad thing is I can't play with my niece, Bangbag, as much as I want to.

And the thing that I am most grateful for is Joe. He came into my life, wormed his way into my heart, and makes me fall in love with him. The first guy I could imagine to really spend the rest of my life with. A unique guy with principal. Anti-mainstream but also old-fashioned in some ways. He is many things. He also has faults. But he loves me, and I love him.

And I never thought I could be this corny. But, it's okay because I'm in love. It's a perfect excuse to be corny and silly, right? ;)

Life IS good. And I hope it lasts.

Thank you, God...

Bengal vs Besties vs Boys

Life is not so okay. Diva has been too busy going here and there with her boyfriend, Menik is busy with her projects, Kucil is BUSY with her 3 babies (yes, three), and I have too many flings as well as projects at the moment. 

Consider Diva is gone. It's no use asking her to meet or have time together like we used to do, she has totally given her life and time to her boyfriend. I can't help but thinking she's changed and became stupid. Jealous? Me? I guess. But putting works aside, I could always spend time with my friends. Not like someone I know. Tsk!

Menik is stressed out with her own works. Big project, big money, and little sleep. Poor her. But, we still meet at least once a week, though.

Kucil, oh my God! She gave birth to twins! And couldn't find any good babysitter till now. So, she resigned from her job, and now dedicates her time fully as a mom and wife. Something I still can't imagine I could do. :p

I miss my friends. I miss my family. Most of my time is spent in my office. Initially, I always ask Diva if she cared to go anywhere with me. But she always said that she's watching her guy performing at gigs. Meaning if I wanted to see her, I had to go to those gigs. I am so bored with his bands. I want to watch others, which Diva won't go until hell freezes over. Well, unless her guy decides he wanted to go too. Stupid! Meanwhile, it's hard for Kucil to leave her house even for lunch because she needs to bring her 3 kids along. Whoa!

So, probably the guys I'm currently with have become some kind of rebounds for me. Hahahahaa! Jeez, I'm so fucking twisted. Using guys because the best friends are all otherwise occupied instead of the other way around. :p

See here, I'm still with Rex. He's still kind of the one for me now, even if I know that I should ditch him. It's funny, because I sometimes picture us together like a sugar daddy and his girl. He got so angry when his bass player asked for my Blackberry Messenger PIN, and it would be weird if I refuse, right? Jealous as he is, I'm also still in a relationshit, yep you read that right, with Perry. This backup guy is even more the jealous type, tsk. He got jealous when his backup guitarist took me home, and it was totally innocent. Wes is still around, and we enjoy many stolen moments at work. Hohohohoo... So, I don't mind that much if I have to work late or even on weekends because I know that I could always count on him to, errr, give me pleasure *hit my own head with brick*. And then Joe, a pop singer I met in a mixing studio for a project. He fucks well, you see. ;) 

Rex's bass player is still throwing codes at me, trying so hard to bed me. His fingers are enjoyable, but I don't think it's a good idea to say yes at the moment. Another guy is Eric, which I almost kiss that other night. He's an accomplished flirt, I gotta say. I should keep my eyes open when he's around. Can't hurt to be extra alert. Don't wanna miss a kiss, right? Hehehee...

Anyways, the numero uno bestie, aka Syd, is coming home from Oz for a few days next week. I miss her a lot that I'm taking days off from work when she's here. Can't hardly wait until she arrives. So, yeah, I expect I'll have a blast with her. Woot! :D

Wes, Pt. 2

Note: This post should have been posted around September or October.

Wes gawe di kantor gue lagi selama beberapa minggu ini. Pas hari pertama dia nongol dia langsung cengar-cengir ngeliat gue kaget, soalnya gak ada yang ngasih tau kalo dia bakal kesini. Hahahaa... A nice surprise, nonetheless. Begitu dia duduk di sebelah gue, langsung kecium aroma wanginya yang khas. Huaaaa, langsung pengen nyenderin kepala di bahunya deh. :p

Ternyata gue kangen juga sama makhluk satu ini, biarpun cueknya setengah mampus. Ato guenya aja yang lagi haus belaian kali? Pokoknya sih karena posisi kerja dia deketan banget sama gue, seharian gue musti nyium wanginya dan dengerin suaranya yang dalem, bikin horny kampret! Tahan, Bengal! Tahaaan...

Seminggu pertama berhasil dilalui dengan aman dan sedikit ngilu menahan sesuatu. *cewek kok ngilu?* Hahahahaa... Masuk minggu kedua, langsung jeder halus.

Jadi, kantor lagi sepi soalnya ada yang lagi keluar, ada yang lagi tidur, ada yang lagi ke klien ato vendor. Di atas cuma ada gue dan Wes, sama si Jimmy, tapi dia di ruangan dalem. Gue pengen ngopi, jadi gue naik ke pantry atas. Becanda ajak si Wes ikut, 'Sayang, ikut aku naik yuk? Mumpung sepi...', sambil ngedipin mata centil tanpa berharap apa-apa. Eh, setan lewat, dia langsung bangun dari kursi, ambil cangkirnya yang kosong dan ngikutin gue. Sampe atas, masih santai, gue isi panci untuk rebus air. Baru nyalain api, Wes manggil dari pintu pantry. 'Pssst, sini...' Gue agak bingung, ngapain nih orang berdiri doang di situ.

'Ngapain lo disitu, Wes? Masuk aja kenapa?'

'Sini duluuu...'

Penasaran, gue samperin ke tempat dia berdiri. Begitu udah deket, tangannya narik gue, gue kaget kirain ada serangga ato apa. Gue ditarik sampe nabrak badannya, terus tangan sebelahnya narik kepala gue dan diciumlah bibir gue dengan suksesnya. Syiiiiiittt! Bego banget gue, ya? Segitu polosnya dan gak nyangka dia bakal beneran berani nyium gue! Ahahahahahaa...

Gue kaget beku, untung udah gak pegang cangkir ato panci. Bisa krompyang berisik dan bikin kehebohan kan. Terus dia berhenti dan melepas pelukannya. Ngeliatin gue sambil nyalain rokok. Gue kaget rada panas dingin dan kepala blank, cuma bisa ngeloyor ke kompor ngecek air. Terus balik lagi ke tempat dia. Berdiri di depan dia, liatin matanya, baru mau inisiatif nyium balik, eh udah keduluan. Rokoknya dibuang, gue dipepet ke tembok sebelah pintu pantry, dan abis deh gue diciumin dari bibir, leher, dan lain-lain. Tangan udah pada liar lah, tangan gue dan tangan dia udah gak jelas kemana-mana. Dan posisi kita tepat dibawah CCTV kantor, jadi gak keliatan juga di monitornya, hahahaha... Sinting. 

Lagi asik grinding dan tangannya sibuk di dalem t-shirt gue, mendadak ada bunyi orang naik tangga. Bubaaar... Kita langsung beresin baju masing-masing, gue balik ke posisi depan kompor, dia nyalain rokok sok cool, padahal keliatan celananya berjendol gitu. Hihihihii... Ternyata si Jimmy yang naik dan gak pake ba-bi-bu langsung ngeloyor lewatin kita dan masuk ke mushola yang emang posisinya harus lewatin pantry.

Sport jantung? Banget. Puas? Gak. Mau lagi? Mau. Ada kesempatan? Gak ada sama sekali sampe sekarang.

Zzzzzzzzz....

Rex's Deadly Text

He was performing on one of his gigs, and when he had a minute in between songs, he grabbed his BlackBerry and texted me 'Love you...'

*melted*

Damn you, Rex. I'm still trying to fight the growing feeling. Please don't make it any harder for me, hun... :')

And then he sang Whitesnake's Is This Love, with his eyes on me all the time. 

*gulp*

Help!

Bengal Meets Rex

Rex, Rex, Rex...

Met this guy a few weeks ago at a pub. He subbed for the regular singer there that day. I couldn't remember what made us swapped BlackBerry PIN, but we did. No overwhelming attraction toward each other, but yeah, I was kinda eyeing him then. He was wearing all black, and he looked devilish, rugged, but somewhat like a regular guy. Admitting that he's over forty, he stood beside my barstool everytime there's a guest come up front and sang. People might think that we're old friends when in fact, we're not. A bit weird.

When the night was over, nothing else happened. He hugged me and kissed my cheeks, a bit lingeringly, but hey, that's just flirting, right? ;) And not until a week later that he started to text me through BBM. I had even almost forgotten about him. Convos were innocent. He was married with 2 kids. He works in legal. And he kept me company with his chats through my lonely nights in a tiny town in Sumatra about two weeks ago. And I was still oblivious to his motive. Hahahaa...

 I'm not sure when was the specific moment that our chats turned suggestive. He kept joking that he was gonna send me a picture of his 'gun'. I brushed it off, thinking he was only testing me. Then the next day, he really did. Shiit! It was, uh, big. Big enough to render me speechless and made him worried that he had scared me away. At last, I responded and said something encouraging. After that, things escalated pretty quickly. 

We met for a date earlier this week. His wife was out of town. But the damn thing is that I was having my period. So no real action, had to be satisfied with deep, long kisses that night. But we talked a lot, though. We made clear of our own positions in this so-called relationship. He told me about the hell hole he called home, and I told him that I have someone else on the side. 

So, there. That's how we hooked up. And now I'm busy and he's busy and we still haven't fucked, yet. 

Aaaaaaaagggghhhhh!!! Rex, fuck me, please!

Somehow Interconnected

Yesterday was a day full of seemingly random moments which turned to be not so random after all. And it somehow got me contemplating and digging deep into my memory for whatever kinds of existence I have through. Big words for me. Big words that came out of little things.

I've been reading Dee's Supernova books for the past few days. I've finished Ksatria, Putri dan Bintang Jatuh and Akar and now about to start Petir. What she put into her stories are stuffs beyond my imagination. She somehow compiled so many seemingly syfy materials and rewrite it into her novels thus making it easy for her readers to understand the theories. Quantum physics, Freudian and the likes, Mandelbrot, I can't even recall the other names.

Her writings put me into a deja vu mode. Years ago, I read James Redfield's books. The first one was The Celestine Prophesy, followed by The Tenth Insight, then The Secret of Shambala. Basically, the first book told about many levels of insight. You need to go on your own journey to be able to acquire them. It's a somewhat spiritual journey. And you need to believe that everything in life is interconnected. There's always a reason behind every moment, every meeting, et cetera. Nothing is a coincidence. However small the event is, there is always a purpose behind it. To see the enhanced effect of a tiny event, think of The Butterfly Effect. ;) Redfield has made me a believer, though not a participant. No new levels of insights for me, just plain believing. Maybe someday.

Then I started to read Dee's Supernova series. And it just clicks. This is Redfield comprehensively and unbelievably and crazily rewritten. Damn, I love this! My mood of the week shifted to this watchamacallit thingy. I fell into Dee's world, meanwhile, Redfield's teaching came back in a rush. I even read some articles on Fungi and nu age. Hahaha.


So, it's only natural that I would think that all these have their own purpose. Dee's books, how I came across each articles, why I'm even writing this post. Everything might seem random for us mortals, but there must be some invisible pattern in the universe, don't you think? And come to think of it, I started to feel like I could grasp some of the pattern lately. At least, the things that happen in my life. You just have to 'see', not with your eyes, but also your 'eyes' if you know what I mean, *cheeky grin*.


Let's see. Out of nowhere, suddenly Dina texted me saying that she's in Kemang. At around 2 pm. I mean, come on, what can I do at 2 pm? I work at the office at least until 6 pm everyday. And it's not like she asked me to ge there and join her. Hahaa. So I just left it at that, with some question lurking. Then as usual I check my Twitter timeline from time to time. Somehow tweets about female taxi drivers popping intermittently. I left it at that also. When I finished work, because Crewcut was still in Bandung doing a project, I took a ride with Jimmy, intending to just reach the TransJ bus shelter nearby. In the car, we talked about his love affair, my crush on Wes, and risque relationship in general. What our own views on that, his being restricted by the religion, and how I was being more liberal than him. It's funny. He's a devout Moslem, but he's still doing this thing he's doing. :D


The conversation was getting deeper and before we knew it, we already reached Prapanca. How the heck was I going to get home from there? Along the street, there's no single vacant cab. He was going to Mampang, and he said he's passing Kemang. Suddenly I got an epiphany *yeah, right*, I texted Dina asking whether she was still at that cafe in Kemang. She said she was, so Jimmy dropped me off there and he went to pick up his wife. Somehow, it felt like a platonic affair, this weird relationship of mine with him. Hahahahahaa... Anyway, Dina was with her colleague, Aning. There's also Aning's friend from Jogja, Wahyu. He's totally new in Jakarta, but his courage deserved an applause. He went everywhere by public transport, even since his first day here. And this is only his third day. He was going to leave the cafe when I came in, but he had no clue about which public transport to take to get to his destination. So I came to his rescue and told him which angkots and buses he could take. See, there's apparently a reason why I was sent to that place. :D

Aaaand then, when they finished and we're about to pay, the place didn't accept cards. Cash only. The girls had no cash. I did. Once again, Bengal became their hero. Xixixixi... Who would have thought I would be of service like that? :p

Okay, I can't take it anymore. Let's just roll this through faster. We hailed a cab, and the driver is female. Ohmigosh. After all day reading tweets on female taxi drivers. How weirder could the day be? Weird, unless you believe in the above theory. Don't you think? :)))

A day of randomness, causalities... Synchronicity... Cosmic interference/direction? Okay, it IS weird. :/

PS: Would you believe it took me more than 2 months to write this fucking post?

Bengal is Exhilarated

Never thought would see the day that Bengal is feeling this lost. Again. Whoa... Hahaha... And all this is caused by one unexpected person. Yeah, you guessed right. The guy who had been dubbed as My Voice. Let's just call him Wes, yeah? :)

With some weird support from Jimmy, the supposedly devout but otherwise twisted, I started to try seducing Wes. Jeez, did I really just say 'seduce'? :/ What I mean is I'm trying to get closer to Wes. I think I genuinely like this guy. Indeed, I had been falling in lust with him. But what the heck, there's no other guy I'm attracted to at the moment. Why shouldn't it be Wes? Jimmy said that he's single, so for the first time in my adult life I'm doing someone kosher. So this is somewhat challenging for me. *grins*

So far, we've gone out to the movie once, with him stating that no one else from the office should know about it. But I had told Jim, anyway. Pffftt, me and my blabbermouth. We've been chatting on BBM a few times. And he's no longer working at my office, so I can't see him regularly anymore. *sobs*

Heck yeah! I missed feeling like this! Now, I feel alive, again. Yippeey!

To be or not to be with you, Wes, I'm glad you've managed to penetrate my barriers. THIS IS FUCKIN EXHILARATING!! :D

New Voice In My Head

My team recruited a freelance designer for a project. He's actually one of our previous employees, but had resigned years ago. I didn't get any close to him at that time. And since working together for this project, I came to realize that he's got a killer voice.

Shit! Bengal fell hard. For his voice. Shiiiiiit...

We sat side by side for the past 2 or 3 weeks. Imagine how I have to suffer through this sensual Spanish Inquisition.

I don't know who had started this kinda flirty banter. Maybe I've been sending some sort of come hither signal or maybe he became kinda attracted to me, we've been verrry flirty for the past few weeks. A running joke is how we wished there weren't any cameras in the office.

'Pssst, Bengal!' he'd whispered in my ear.

'Huh?' I'd surprisedly looked at him and would find his lips only centimeters from mine.

'If there's no camera...' he'd left the sentence hanging, then he'd wink and grin.

I'd grin widely, 'I know. Pffft...'

We'd both stare back at our own notebook, but once or twice he'd graze my thigh oh so softly and silently laugh. That flirt! :D

And I still have to endure his deep voice every time he speaks.

Damn, flirting is fun! ;)

Once Upon A Conversation

At Agy's house. I was drinking coffee. He was working with his laptop.

Agy: 'I wanna get you pregnant...'
Bengal: 'Uh...'

How do you respond to that kind of statement?

Bengal & Agy in A One Night Stand

Curiosity killed a cat. But it didn't kill me. It just kept me amused. :D

Maybe I should start from the beginning. Some time last week, Agy texted me and said that he would be home alone for a few months. His parents went out of town visiting his sister. We did not chat for long, just a little flirting as we both had been busy with something. As days gone by, I started to think that maybe he had just baited me to see my reaction. Maybe he was only checking his female contacts one by one to see who would bite. I sure as hell bit, but maybe he had a better offer?

But little as I know him, I was pretty sure that he was not a real player. He was just being himself. Wasting no time for tete-a-tete. Almost always straight to the point unless if he had thought that some persuasion is needed. So I did not expect much on the romancing department. I decided not to initiate anything. Just waiting and waiting until HE bit. And he did. Mwahahahahahaa... He sent me a BBM a few minutes after midnight on Thursday, 'Come to my place, Bengal. Please.'

I kept him waiting for half an hour, then I texted, 'When?' Seconds later, he replied, 'Now. Tonight.' @.@ Hellooo? What time is it, boy? I'm not some McDonald's menu that can be ordered 24/7. *Cue: pass out.*

Then I said, 'The only time I can spare is tomorrow night. Suits you?'

He replied, 'Tomorrow night. Can't wait. I'm horny as hell right now. Good night, Bengal. :*'

I left it unread until the morning after. But I'm pretty sure I got a spring in my walk that morning. That feeling of sharp expectation. Frustrating yet exhilarating. I've been waiting for some kind of closure with this particular guy. What we were about to do that night could turn into the climax and ended right after, or could be a new beginning in a perverse relationship. I could not be sure which one I would have preferred. Even until now.

All day was spent fantasizing about what would happen that night. My colleagues were probably a bit confused as to why I turned silent all day. I was nervous, almost a wreck, which was so not me. But even I had to admit that Agy was not like some other guy. Agy was the one that constantly on my mind since that kiss years ago. Once, I might have changed guys like I bought shoes, but I could swear, he's always there at the back of my mind. Seeking answer of what could have been. Stupidly insane. Disgustingly corny. Insanely unbelievable. At least for me. Shit, this is big, huh?

Let's just pass the small details. So, at his house, we made small talk. Unwinding after work and before sex *grins*. Just sitting in his living room. His arms started to snake their way around me, not long after that we started to kiss. A short one for starter. Testing the water. Longer one after that. And waaaaay longer after that one. Tongues battling, biting the opponent's lips, sucking and licking and all those delicious things. When it's getting even more unbearable, he stood up and pulled my hand. We went to his room upstairs.

His bed was still made up. I jumped onto it and sniffed his pillow. Not 2 seconds after, he put his body on top of my back and held me still. He kissed the back of my neck while his hands roamed all over. The night had just begun! :D I slipped from under and we changed positions. Lips locked, somehow our hands managed to undress each other almost effortlessly. Thank goodness I had been exercising regularly for the past few months so I had better stamina. And it was a long night. Almost two years of celibating and we broke it by finishing a box full of condom. Dotted ones. Felt so good. ;) Minor problem arised, egos acted up, but I managed to be the bigger person. The fact that his hand jobs and BJs were phenomenal might help. I could swear, setting some problems aside, he's the best sex buddy I've ever had.

In the morning, we woke up and did it again. And again. And then we went down and finishing some business. He continued his works, and I just sat beside him. I anticipated something like this therefore I had a book with me. I read, he worked. I read, he touched me. I touched him back, he worked. I read again, he touched me again. I touched him, all hell broke loose. We did it in his living room. In broad daylight. Curtains half closed. Other people could have looked inside with little effort. And we couldn't care less. Damn this neverending horniness! It totally clouded our judgements and sensibilities. It's a good thing no one had caught us, otherwise we might have been snatched out and paraded outside like those stories in Pos Kota. *swallowed*

As it was nearing afternoon, our moods changed perceptibly. It was like we had started to raise our barriers back. What happened between us there would stay there and then. Oh, we talked about stuffs in between sex. He said that we couldn't have predicted what would happen in the future. Who knew if we might be each other's soulmate? Which I didn't buy because I thought it was just his way keeping me pliable that night. And I was right. When the barrier was up, he was his distant self again. No funny business after that. He must be bipolar. He was so nice and loving when we were intimate, yet so cold and distant the rest of the time. And there's a hint of childishness too.

And why am I trying to analyze him? He's not a potential partner. Heck, he's not a partner material, period! But, I still have to admit that I have a soft spot for him. I don't know, maybe because we had history together? Despite what I had thought about him, I still want him to be available for me. Gosh, I'm so screwed up!

But it was a good night. :)

09052011, 06:48 pm

Chocolate muffin and hot green tea to accompany me harvesting my Farmville crops. At the moment, I am sitting in a Dunkin Donuts outlet with CrewCut, I treated him a cup of coffee. Teehee... He's drinking his coffee estatically, and I'm finishing my 'task' peacefully.

And now we're talking about my deceased family. We visited the their graves this morning, and he said that they were happy because we visited. And I'm happy because they're happy. I miss my mom and dad and siblings.

Oh, well. I can only pray for them now. :)

Bengal. Agy. End. :p

Sekarang bener2 tutup buku deh. Gue BBM-in ucapan Ramadhan ke Agy secara personal, soalnya gue gak suka pake broadcast message. Dari jawabannya yang singkat dan padat, kesimpulannya adalah cukup sampai disini. Close chat, tutup buku, hidup tenang. Mwehehehee... Gak tenang juga sih, secara masih penasaran sebenernya. Tapi kayaknya dari dia juga mati respon gitu, yaudah, mari kita sudahi sesi pendekatan yang udah berminggu2 gak ada hasilnya ini.

Konsentrasi sama ibadah puasa ya, Bengal. Jangan mikirin cowok2 mulu. Mendingan juga cari duit buat keliling dunia. ;)

Nyekar Rock n Roll

Alhamdulillah akhirnya kemaren berhasil nyekar ke makam keluarga gue. Secara pulang kerja pasti macet, gue minta tolong CrewCut nganterin gue pake motornya siang2 gitu ke makam, karena lokasinya juga gak jauh2 amat sih dari kantor. Untung dia mau. :)

Pas sampe di makam, gue beli bunga sekeranjang plus beberapa botol air mawar, karena selain bokap n nyokap gue, di makam itu juga ada 2 kakak sulung gue plus eyang gue, dan beberapa saudara yang lain. Pertama gue nyekar ke makam nyokap dan kakak2 gue. CrewCut ikut kirim doa. Yang bikin agak aneh kok nih anak mendadak diem kayak lagi kenapa gitu. Di makam masih tersebar kelopak2 bunga dan daun yang udah mengering, mungkin sisa dari kakak gue yang nyekar minggu lalu. Makam kakak gue sisi2nya agak keropos, entah tanahnya yang kering atau karena para penghuni liar di kompleks pemakaman itu yang sembarangan tiduran atau duduk disitu. :(( Berasa kangennya sama nyokap deh. Biasanya kalo udah deket lebaran, pasti kita bikin masak untuk sajian ke keluarga dan tamu yang dateng ke rumah. Secara nyokap dan bokap masing2 adalah orang yang dituakan di keluarga masing2, maka kita pasti open house tiap lebaran. Nyokap dapet bagian bikin masakan kayak rendang, sayur labu dll dst dsb, segala macam masakan yang gue males banget ngerjainnya karena gue gak suka tangan gue kotor sama bumbu. Hehee... Sementara gue dapet bagian bikin macam2 cookies dan cake. Gue paling seneng wangi cookies yang lagi dipanggang di oven. Mmmmmhhh... Sayang aja oven di rumah udah gak sekeren dulu. Pengen deh bikin cookies and cake lagi. Dijamin pada doyan dan heran, ternyata gue jago juga masaknya. Biasanya sih orang2 emang pada gak percaya kalo gue kasih cookies buatan gue. Pada gak tau aja kalo gue ini maestro. Hmm... :p

Dari makam nyokap, gue pindah nyekar ke makam bokap dan eyang kakung yang letaknya bersebelahan. Gue cabutin rumput kering dan bersihin sedikit makamnya. Setelah itu baru siram air mawar dan tabur bunga. CrewCut agak banyak nanya2 tentang siapa aja keluarga gue yang dimakamin disitu. Gue cerita macem2 sambil kita duduk di samping makam bokap. Gue paling kangen sama bokap, mungkin karena emang gue paling dekat sama bokap dari sejak kecil. He's my hero, my first love, the one I want my guy one day to be like. Anak papa banget deh gue. :p Bokap adalah orang yang cenderung diam tapi selalu terasa kehadirannya. Gue orang yang paling gak pernah curhat ke keluarga gue. Tapi kalo lagi galau, gue ajak aja bokap hangout berdua kemana gitu. Entah nonton ke bioskop, atau makan ke KFC, atau sok2an nonton live music di kafe. Tapi ya gue kira2 juga. Cari live musicnya juga yang rada musik2 evergreen gitu deh istilahnya. Gak mungkin kan bokap gue ajak dengerin musik yang hardcore atau hip hop? Hehee... Kalo lagi hangout sama bokap, gue cuek aja minum alcoholic drinks, karena beliau percaya sama gue, lagian kan gue minumnya ditemenin sama bokap. Jadi takarannya ketauan. Malah kadang bokap pesen minuman, gue yang disuruh minum. 'Kamu harus coba semua, Bengal. Yang penting tau rasanya, tapi jangan sampe mabok atau jadi alcoholic. Yang penting kamu tau batas. Nih, cobain Whisky Cola punya Papa.' Hihi, bokap gue emang rock n roll abis. I love you, Pa. :*

Di perjalanan balik ke kantor, baru deh si CrewCut cerita kalo dia tadi di makam diajak ngobrol sama eyang dan keluarga gue, termasuk bokap n nyokap. Katanya dia dititipin gue. *Dueeeeenggg!!*

-______-'

"Haaaaahhhh???? Maksud looo???' Gue kaget setengah idup dengernya.

'Ya itu. Tadi bokap lo seneng banget lo datengin dan doain beliau ke makamnya. Terus yang di sebelah bokap itu eyang lo ya? Wataknya mirip gitu berdua. Masa beliau nitipin lo ke gue, Ngal. Abis eyang lo bilang gitu, yang lain pada ngikut juga nitipin lo ke gue. Ya bokap, nyokap, kakak lo, sampe eyang putri lo yang di Jawa juga tadi ada.'

Gue langsung cengo dong. Pas denger bahwa bokap gue seneng gue datengin, gue sempet speechless dan pengen nangis. Rasanya legaaaaa banget denger bokap seneng. Aneh ya. Ngetik ini aja sekarang mata gue jadi berkaca2 lagi. Hiks... Tapi yang gue bingung, kenapa gue malah dititipin ke dia ya? Malah mustinya kan pada marah ke kita, secara kita berdua badung gitu. Terus CrewCut bilang kalo nyokap gue udah tau. Tapi tetep aja ikutan nitipin gue, bukannya malah murka gimana gitu. Oh, even di alam lain, keluarga gue pun tetep rock n roll. Yasalaaam...

Dan jujur, kejadian hari itu sukses membuat gue tercenung dan bengong. Percaya gak percaya, tapi CrewCut emang bisa komunikasi dengan alam lain tersebut. Kalo di kantor ato daerah rumahnya ada orang lagi kesurupan aja pasti dia yang nyembuhin. Tengil2 gitu tapi sakti. Kadang keliatan blo'on tapi sakti. Emang orang sakti itu sakti ya. *Kayaknya gue mulai melantur deh* Oh, well. Yah begitulah ceritanya. Gue gak tau apa ada hal lain yang dia gak ceritain ke gue. Yang jelas dia juga bilang kalo watak bokap dan gue mirip. Itu aja gue uda seneng. Hehee...

Makasih ya CrewCut, udah nemenin gue nyekar, eh pake apes ketitipan gue oleh almarhum keluarga gue. :)

Pedas: Lidah vs Perut

Kontradiksi adalah saat lidah lo mengirimkan sinyal bahwa rasa masakannya masih kurang pedas. sementara perut sudah mulai mules dan berontak. Hiks...

Jadi gue tadi makan bakso pake sambel yang banyak. Eh, tapi kalo kata anak2 sih sebenernya gue makan sambel pake bakso. Dan pas gue minta nambah kuah, gue lupa kalo abangnya udah ngasih sambel yang banyak, eh malah gue tambahin sambelnya. Sumpah rasanya jadi kayak dinamit. Lidah gue sih masih tahan, malah rasanya seru banget. Cuma ternyata perut gue yang menjerit. Kelar makan, gak sampe 5 menit gue udah ambil posisi wuenak di toilet. Wuahahahahaa...

Temen gue yang doyan pedes nyobain kuah bakso gue sesendok, langsung ngambek gitu. Hihihihi...

Tapi sekarang gue pengen banget makan nasi plus sambalnya Bu Rudy. Hiks...

*gak kapok2*

07212011; 07:07 pm

Ternyata kalo makan dalam keadaan emosi tuh jadinya kacau ya... Hehee. Jadi tadi siang makan nasi padang. Terus tadi sore beli pisang goreng dan kolak durian. Ehh, temen gue dateng ke kantor bawain pizza dan fusilli dari Pizza Hut. Ampun... Perut gue rasanya mau meledak sekarang. :p

Sekarang kekenyangan, terus dengerin lagu sambil cek timeline di Twitter. It's hilarious seeing how some people trying to sound smart and sophisticated while in fact they sound stupid and illiterate instead. Pathetic. And that is such an entertainment for me. Yeah, I'm that bad, I know. So, sue me. Wew...

Had an interesting convo this morning with someone close to me. Apparently we had a mutual opinion on something. Hmm, interesting... *misterius amat sih, Ngal?* :p

Oh well. Gotta go. People to see, places to be. Tataa... *blowing kisses*

Bengal's Midweek Date

Yesterday was surreal. I went to the office, alone until noon. Then the other guys said that they're gonna meet up at a coffee shop to work. I asked if I was really needed to be there, otherwise I'd better stay at office. Well, they said no, so I just hung around at my desk. At about 2 pm I left and went to a salon to have my hair washed and blown. Never would I have thought that it was to be the best decision I made that day. :p

When my hair was being blown dry, Agy texted me and asked where I was. He said he was free and whether I would like to meet him somewhere. Whoa. I thought, why the heck not? So I answered that I was already off work and that I was heading to my favorite mall in South Jakarta. He then said he'd be there soon after he took care of things at his studio. I arrived first and bought a novel, then I hung around at the outdoor food court whilst reading and sipping lemonade. It was bliss.

And then he came. Said hi, hugged me and kissed my cheeks, then started talking as if we were friends. Weird for me, because I never really considered him as my friend. He had always been Syd's brother's best friend. And then he became an almost lover. When that was over, it felt like we were exes, you know. Exes who had some kind of grudges. Just plain weird. *sigh* But then he acted as if we were fine. Well, I could trace there had been a hard feeling, but let bygones be bygones. So yeah, we're like 2 newly-reacquainted persons enjoying a time together.

At the food court, we mainly talked lightly and basically just catching up. We ordered nothing but my cold drink which we finished together. I asked about his works. He enlightened me about an aspect that he loved which was the opportunity to learn and observe things. By just doing what he loved and did best. I think he's lucky. And the longer we talked, the more I realized how he'd grown more mature. He still looked the same as always. The angles on his face hardened a bit, but also gotten rounder as he had gained weight. Overall, he looked fine. Not that he was good looking. Hahaa...

We we getting hungry so we decided to move to a pizza joint nearby. It was deserted, we're the only dine-in customers there. All the better, hey? The ambience was kinda intimate. He put an arm round my shoulder. We didn't talk much, just eating and enjoying each other's presence. For once, I kept staring at him. He probably felt uncomfortable with my stares, but I couldn't help it. I was still trying to comprehend that it's really him sitting beside me, eating a pizza slice, with his arm around me. In a way, I was trying to memorize all things. His face, his voice, the scent around us, the lighting, and his kisses. Well, by the time the food were finished, he hugged me, butterfly-kissed my temple, smoothing my hair. Just like a normal couple. A normal couple that had been together for years, not hours. LOL.

At last, I got a glimpse of how it would be like if we had been together. Strangely familiar. Familiarly strange. He's like a conundrum I can't solve. Too many contradictions. Too many to be taken into consideration. Maybe it's better if I left it as it was. Much as I want to see what could happen, I don't think I could handle disappointments at the moment. *sigh*

So, I just enjoyed the time. He pulled out his laptop and finished some part of his work while I continued reading my book. Once in a while, one of us would put teasing touches. Playful touches. Invisible to all the the other people at the joint, but Agy and I could totally felt it. Risky business, haha... Then, he put his left hand on my thigh, and I play my right hand on the back of his neck. Each trying to break the other's concentration. :p Before we knew it, it was already 11 pm, and we decided to wrap the night. He swiftly kissed my lips right there. Twice. My heart stopped. Until now, I still hope there's no one saw us kissing. Those kisses were too short. And I wanted more. Way to go, Gy... :/

Holding hands, we left and caught a taxi. Then we went our separate ways.

07052011, 03:15 pm

Ngemall lagi gara2 di kantor kosong. Sebagian tim lagi ada kerjaan di luar kota, jadi anak kantor yang tersisa memutuskan untuk kerja di mall deh. Hehee... Kali ini kita memilih salah satu mall baru di daerah Jakarta Selatan. Disitu wifinya canggih. Even lo nongkrong di toilet juga dapat wifi kali. :p

So, I just got back from my leave, practically no work yesterday and spent the day just playing FV and napping at office, and now I'm hanging out in a cafe. Sort of. Life's good, no? ;)