02082009, 10.39 pm

Radang tenggorokan, euy... Tadi pagi ke dokter. Dikasih resep, obatnya ada 4 macam. Trus disuruh kurangin bicara. Hmm, jadi gak boleh karaoke juga yak?? Hehee... Sejak semalem, radang tenggorokan gue tambah parah. Gue bener2 kesakitan kalo nelen, even nelen ludah doang. Beberapa kali kebangun pas tidur. Pokoknya sengsara abis deh. Kayaknya gara2 kemaren main angin sesiangan di Ancol sama Little Bangbag. Pas udah pagi, gue bilang kakak gue kalo gue pengen ke dokter. Kalo gue sampe udah minta ke dokter berarti sakitnya udah gak nahan. And he knows that. That's why he didn't even question me, just told me to get dressed, then we went. Gue tuh orang yang paling males kalo musti ke dokter. Biasanya musti dipaksa dulu, ama dimarahin, kalo perlu digeret baru deh gue sampe dokter. Bukan karena takut, tapi males aja. Rasanya sayang duitnya gitu. Padahal beli obat2 OTC juga sembuh kan. Ato minum vitamin aja gitu. Tapi kali ini, gue nyerah, cuy. Soalnya radang tenggorokan ini mengganggu kenikmatan gue saat makan. Wekekekekekek... Gak jauh2 dari faktor itu ya ternyata?? :p

Si bu dokter ngasih gue surat buat ijin gak masuk besok, tapi gue gak janji ya bu... Hehee. Gue bakal tetep masuk, cuma gue usahain tidur di kantor deh. Sayang aja kalo gaji gue dipotong 100 ribu rupiah per hari kalo gak masuk. Hikss... Anyways, gotta catch some zzz's now. The medicines are working, and I must go very early tomorrow morning. I have to be in a hotel in Senayan area by 6.30 am. Moga-mogaaa gue bisa bangun ya besok. Amiiin...

Ancol, Little Bangbag, Sore Throat

Holaaa...
It's Saturday, and I went to Ancol with Little Bangbag and her parents. We departed *halahh* at about 10 am and arrived there at 1.30 pm. Fuuuuudge!!! Talk about suffering...
It was very windy and a bit cold. No heat at all. We feed Little Bangbag first, took about an hour just for that. Hahaa... Then we ate siomay at the side where those ducky boats were. I played with Bangbag on the sand. God, she was so hyper!! She even tried to eat the sand, TWICE!! Aaaaarrgh!!! But she managed to walk by herself for a few steps. How cute!! She found a little dried palm leaf and scratched those sand, making images only she knew what. How smart is she?? My Little Bangbag is a genius!! Luv you, baby.

Next, on to Sea World. She was mesmerized by those tiny to huge fishes there. And I was mesmerized by a hunk taking pictures there. Man!! He was tall and well built. Wearing kupluk, he looked so cool. Aww... Okay, enough! Basically, we just did the things people come to Sea World do. Nothing special except for that loveable hunk. And of course my oh so lovely niece.

And now, as a result of being hit by the wind this whole day, my sore throat gets so much worse. I can hardly swallow anything. But that doesn't deter me from eating, though. Gyahahahahaa... I swear, it feels so shitty and it HURTS!! Fuck!! I just wish it gets better tomorrow and I just want a peaceful night now. Tataaa...

Check-In, Readers Discretions Advised

I'm back...
It's done...
We did it!!
Wuahahahahahaaahh...

I gotta say, it's all so sudden. Last night he called me and said that WE ARE going to do it on Sunday. I'd be his from morning to night on Sunday. Riiight, Sunday it would be, then.
Today went as usual. Batman was on a project, so he wasn't online and I didn't text him either as I knew he was on the street doing those things he did. Anyways, at about 5.30 pm he called and said, 'Let's do it now. Let's go...'

'Huh?? What are you talking about?'

'What the hell? Didn't you read my SMS just now? I've been waiting for your response, Pret!!'

'Gaaahh?? What SMS? You know these days I always turn off my GSM number. What is it?'

'Let's do it today. We can go to that little hotel next to that little mall. What do you say?'

Shit!! Now?!?! Hmm, what the heck! Why not?? 'Alright. Let me get my things, okay? I'll be ready in 15 minutes...'

'Oh, yeah baby!!' he exclaimed. Or something like that. :D

So I got ready and then met him on our appointed spot a bit away from the office. Wouldn't want to be busted by someone we know, eh? Hehee... On the way there, we stopped by Circle K and bought 3 beers and tissue. When we got to the hotel, we asked for one with A/C. I must warn you, this is a really cheap place. So don't expect TV and other standard facilities. Only bed, cupboard, and drawers. I wouldn't even go the the bathroom. But we just need a place to do our deeds, nothing else. So this is it.

Washed our faces so we felt fresher and better. We had a beer. He lighted a cigarette. I laid down and we just talked for a while. After he finished his cigarette, he kissed me. Softly, slowly. I played my hand on his hair. A few minutes later he put his hand on my breast, while I broke our kiss and turn to lick and bite his ear. Our breaths were getting faster. He slipped his hand inside my T-shirt and unclasped my bra so he got free access to my breasts. I kept my lips on his ear and neck. Then he pulled off his shirt, so I did too. He went wild then. He pulled down our pants, and went to give me a blowjob (is that the correct term?). Apparently that's something he's been wanting to do since we became friends with benefit. He wouldn't let me go and got me so hyped up I couldn't stay still. It went on and on. Then I pushed him back, wanting to return his service. I just love making him high with my mouth and hands. When it got unbearable, he moved and pushed inside me. Oh gosh!!! Just a few strokes, then he's spent. We'd been prepared for it as this was his first sex in 2 years. Or so he said. But you know what? I didn't even feel disappointed. I was kinda ecstatic that I could make him climax in only a few minutes. Because when we did it on the phone, it could go for more than half an hour for him to climax. Hehee...

I let him rest. We just cuddled and kissed until we're ready for our next round. I won't elaborate on this now. Use your own imaginations, peeps... I'll just say those next rounds were ayayayayayayayayy... :p

Then something happen to dampen our moods. His boss called, he went berserk because Batman was missing. I wanted to laugh out loud, but on the other hand I was worried for him too. We decided to finish early. I let him went straight back to office while I took ojek to go home. I took a refreshing shower, then I started blogging right away. Hehee...

And now, here I am. Alv kept texting me asking where I was and who was/were with me. I lied to him, I said that Menik is staying the night with me. I also told him, 'I went to a hotel with Batman.'

His reaction?? 'Don't say stuff like that, dear. It's not nice, even for a joke...'

Oh well, at least I told the truth, right? In a way. Ahahahahahahaaa... Despite his reaction, I could say that I didn't lie to him, right?? Except for the part about Menik visit. *grins*

I'm so tired and sleepy. If I can wake up tomorrow, I'll be going to Ancol with my brother and his little family. It's gonna be cute. Imagine Little Bangbag playing on the beach. Awww...

So good night, y'all. This has been an interesting evening. Hahaa... Nite...

02062009, 05:47 pm

I'm about to go somewhere with Batman.
*Cue: giggles*

I'll post about it later, ok... Maybe.
Hehehehehh...
*wink*

Case Closed

I just got back from a meeting in one of the foreign embassies in town. Then I turn on my computer, and apparently Kunti had answered my letter. It is negative. I did not put much hope when I sent it. And now there is no hope at all. She is too disappointed and angry at us all. And she even threw Kucil and Menik away too when the problem was me, me, and me only. Is it wrong if I get disappointed in her too? As Kucil said, Kunti sees me, Kucil and Menik as one package. So none of us can put some sense into her. Dammit!!

"Bukankah teman terakhir yang mengerti kita adalah sahabat ketika semua teman kita pergi dan tidak mengerti posisi kita?"

That's what Menik said in our YM chat just now. So true, isn't it? I tried to explain everything in the letter. I tried to apologize to her. I even tried to be the loser. But either she's too stubborn or simply too stupid to accept my apology. I know, I can't push her. I can't force her to do what I want. And like I said, everyone has their own personality and style. So, I respect her decision. Even if it means that I'm losing a best friend. Maybe we're in different wavelength, so whatever I say won't matter to her. Hereby, I rest my case.

Maybe I'm giving up.
Maybe I'm a coward.
Or maybe I'm just setting her free.
Whatever you think of me, this case is already closed.

Goodbye, friend.
Have a good life.
And thanks for everything...

02042009, 08:15 pm

So I wrote that letter. I was kinda hoping that it would exorcise all my negative feelings toward her, and yet I felt nothing. No difference at all. Is it because it's been too long and all the hoohaahs have died down? Not exactly gone, but probably just mellowed and lost their edges. Or maybe it's simply because I'm not fit to live in a community/society? I had someone telling me that I'm too flat. I'm too vacuum.

I'm too flat...
I'm too vacuum...
But I know I do have some love to give.
I know deep inside that I actually care.
I just don't let it out.
I can't let it out.
I'm too afraid...
Afraid of getting hurt...
And in time, it came to be the way I am.
Restricting my emotion.
I become so good at it.
It has been my comfort zone.
It is my defense mechanism.

Even if in the process it turns out that I hurt someone. Unintentionally. But still, they get hurt. But I don't want to change. If that means I'm selfish, so be it. I just try better not to hurt someone. I'd rather hurt myself than do that.

This is me...
This is me contemplating...
This is me being mellow...
This is me...
Deep inside, this is me...

A Letter To Kunti

Dear Kunti,
Pertama2, gue mau minta maaf sama lo, atas semuanya. Sori udah terlalu lama gue gak hubungin lo. Gue juga tau lo udah gak mau n males denger dari gue. Selama ini gue ragu2 untuk hubungin lo, jujur gue gak enak banget. Gue salah, fine, tapi dari sms2 lo yang langsung marah n gak mau listen to reason justru bikin gue nyerah duluan. Aneh ya? Hahaa... Padahal mustinya gue lebih ngerti gimana smuanya dr sudut pandang lo waktu itu. Beberapa saat ini gue sempet marah sama lo karena merasa lo gak mau dengerin g n kucil. Gue males untuk mulai hubungin lo. Untuk itu gue minta maaf. Mustinya gue bisa lebih berusaha lagi karena kita sahabatan kan? At least, I'd like to think so.

Dari sisi gue, gue merasa lo salah paham banget sama sikon waktu itu. Gak tau d gimana menurut lo, kun. g coba ceritain smua yg g inget, moga2 siy lo mau baca ya...

Saat itu g lagi capek, bukan secara fisik, tapi secara mental. g bete sama alv yg gk mau pisah sama g, g ud bilang ke dia kun, kalo g mau pisah. tp to make a long story short, i made a decision utk dampingin dia selama beberapa saat lg, sampe dia stabil. g tau lo pikir g tolol banget, cuman mutusin cwo aja kok susah banget. tp banyak hal yg gk bisa g critain ke siapa2, yg memaksa g utk ambil keputusan itu. n i'm fine with it. gk usah kuatir kun.

ditambah g lg diuber kerjaan. n g bener2 jenuh dgn suasana kantor. malam pas kita karaoke, mustinya g nginep di rumah bos g krn paginya mau survey di bandara. g jenuh bngt sama suasana kantor. n nginep di rumah bos g pun sebenernya g gk bakal tidur juga, krn g musti kerja n kelarin report. g lg dlm kondisi males pulang ke rumah. g cuma kepengen ke tempat yg nyaman n bukan lingkungan g. tempat netral. yg g bebas mau ngapa2in. g minta maaaaf bngt g nolak tawaran untuk nginep dirumah lo waktu itu. seperti yg g bilang, g mau kerja, n buat g gk enak bngt ganggu di rumah lo, sampe mister hrs pindah kamar. gk lucu kan kun kayak gitu, apapun alasannya... moga2 lo ngerti. apalagi itu jg rumah mertua lo kan...

lo bilang g n kucil duduk misah terus dr lo di karaoke, dipanggil gk mau gabung. gk gitu juga kun. g perasaan mondar mandir mulu disitu, kayak yg punya tempat. lagian tu tempat kan ud penuh, ntar jomplang dong kalo smua duduk bareng di sebelah sana. apalagi di deretan g ada temen cwonya cimit, ntar dikira nyuekin n gk suka dia ada disitu.

pas ud kelar, lo maksa untuk nganterin gue n kucil ke kemang. g tauuuu bngt maksud lo n mister baik banget. n bukan g n kucil main rahasia2an sama lo. kita nungguin temen kucil jemput kita disitu. n kasian kalian musti nganterin kita ke arah kemang yg arahnya berlawanan sama jalur pulang lo. kita coba untuk praktis aja. n sumpah ini bukan basa basi ya. n gaya g n kucil yg iseng waktu itu, mungkin emang basi, but couldn't u take a joke, for god's sake?

lo bilang, kalo gk salah, 'g gk convenient ya sbg teman..'
ini bener2 salah paham lg, kun. lo salah tangkep. jauh banget dr apa yg g maksud. maksud g bilang kucil convenient adalah dr sisi sikon. lo ud married kun, masa g bawa nginep ke hotel gitu, padahal cuma nemenin g kerja. kucil g bilang convenient krn rumah dia deket situ, utk ke kantor jg gmpang, simply because of that. g ngajaknya jg mendadak kok, bener2 pas sore itu g ngajak dia. kl gk bisa ya paling g nginep sendiri. g gk mau pulang ke rumah g, rumah lo, maupun rumah bos g. pls jgn tersinggung. g pngn cr hotel yg tenang n murah. g jenuh n capek kun. mungkin g gk nerangin ini dgn baik, tp moga2 lo ngerti.

g gk ngajak lo nginep di rumah g... hmm, mungkin kita cuma sekedar sms, lg2 alasan g lo ud married kun. lo ud punya rumah, udah punya tempat, yaitu disamping mister. oiya, yg masalah citos waktu itu. g tau g yg ngajak kalian duluan utk ketemuan. g nungguin kabar lo n mama mpe malem, jujur kita ud males pindah2 tempat, kun. kita bawa barang bnyk banget. g bawa laptop dll. musti beres2in, trus naik taksi ke PIM. which is gk terlalu jauh siy emang dr citos. tp tetep aja males kun. alasannya gk baik ya? sori d. lagipula dr gereja lo waktu itu ke citos practically cuma lurus trus 2x belok juga ud sampe kan. g jg gk ngerti siy sebenernya sama yg lo bilang mister alergi citos, mama alergi PIM, n lo alergi plangi. knp musti alergi2an tempat siy? yg penting kan kita bisa ngumpul...

lo bilang lo sampe begging2 supaya g ceritain masalah2 g. kunti, mustinya g gk usah jelasin ini. tp lo tau sendirilah manusia tuh ada banyak tipe/sifat. g gk maksa lo utk cerita smua ke g, tp g seneng kalo lo bisa ceritain masalah2 lo ke g. g jg bukan tipe org yg suka curhat ttg masalah2 g ke siapa pun. g lbh suka mencerna semua sendiri, coba pecahin masalah itu sendiri. kadang g cerita, ke lo jg pernah kan. tp seringnya g butuh waktu utk mencerna semua. kalo g blm siap utk cerita tolong lo jgn marah. bukan g gk mau cerita ke lo. but it's just the way i am. dari g kecil g selalu menyimpan semua sendiri. n g udah nyaman seperti ini. thanks bngt kalo lo bisa ngertiin sisi g yg ini.

sampe sini g udah usahain ceritain semua. thanks kalo lo mau terima. thanks kalo lo masih mau balik lagi kayak kita dulu. tapi kalo gk pun, g akan ngerti. g gk akan ganggu lo lagi. mungkin g ud terlalu nyakitin hati lo. lagi2 g cuma bisa minta maaf. g gk ada maksud gitu sama sekali. tapi kun, g mau minta tolong satu hal. ini semua gara2 g. please jgn bawa2 kucil n menik ya. mereka sedih bngt lo juga marah sama mereka, terutama kucil. dia jd kebawa juga pdhal dia cuma nemenin g malam itu. tolong at least lo, kucil n menik memperbaiki hubungan lg. balik sahabatan lg kyk dulu. jgn jd cuma sekedar rekan kantor aja. please, kunti. thanks.

g adalah org yg datar n cuek. jd mungkin penyampaian g dlm surat ini gk bisa menggerakkan hati lo. tapi percaya aja g nulis ini dr isi hati g yg paling dalam (halahh, gk g bngt ya bahasanya??). in case lo bener2 ud gk mau lg kita balik kayak dulu, g cuma mau bilang terima kasih untuk semuanya. terima kasih udah jadi sahabat g. n maaf g belum bisa memenuhi ekspektasi lo untuk sebuh hubungan persahabatan. mungkin gue kurang timbal balik. g terlalu egois. intinya g minta maaf, n terima kasih buat semuanya. n jgn lupa, kucil n menik ada diluar masalah kita. ok? please all of you, be great friends again even when i'm not with you. but i'm still hoping we'd be great like before. tolong pertimbangkan isi surat g ya kun. kalo lo ud siap, apapun jawaban lo, pls kasih tau g. bisa lewat email, ato sms, ato telp, ato ketemuan. whatever's convenient for you.

once again, i apologize, and i thank you. for everything.

luv,
bidadari bengal