07212011; 07:07 pm

Ternyata kalo makan dalam keadaan emosi tuh jadinya kacau ya... Hehee. Jadi tadi siang makan nasi padang. Terus tadi sore beli pisang goreng dan kolak durian. Ehh, temen gue dateng ke kantor bawain pizza dan fusilli dari Pizza Hut. Ampun... Perut gue rasanya mau meledak sekarang. :p

Sekarang kekenyangan, terus dengerin lagu sambil cek timeline di Twitter. It's hilarious seeing how some people trying to sound smart and sophisticated while in fact they sound stupid and illiterate instead. Pathetic. And that is such an entertainment for me. Yeah, I'm that bad, I know. So, sue me. Wew...

Had an interesting convo this morning with someone close to me. Apparently we had a mutual opinion on something. Hmm, interesting... *misterius amat sih, Ngal?* :p

Oh well. Gotta go. People to see, places to be. Tataa... *blowing kisses*

Keeping Up or Letting Go?

Bingung sendiri. Sebenernya gue yang berubah atau dia yang berubah ya? Akhir2 ini suka kaget plus gak nyaman dengan apa yang ada. Jangan salah, ini bukan tentang kerjaan kok. Yaah, untungnya sih bukan. Hahaa... Perubahan itu bagus. Hidup terus berjalan. Semuanya tumbuh, berkembang, berevolusi. Entah gue yang terjebak di zona nyaman selama bertahun2 terakhir, atau mungkin juga satu hal ajaib ini yang mendadak melakukan revolusi. Yak, gue bilang revolusi, bukan evolusi. Terlalu cepat. Gue gak yakin bisa mengikuti perubahannya. Dan jujur gue gak nyaman dengan hal tersebut. Gue berusaha tetap membuka pikiran gue, bahwa ini adalah hal yang baik. Gue masih dalam proses mencerna supaya bisa menerima dan beradaptasi dengan baik. Tapi kadang muncul rasa gak sabar. Kadang muncul pikiran buruk dan memutuskan untuk melepaskan hal tersebut. I wish I could just decide not to keep up with it and just let it go. Tapi kemudian gue pasti bakal pikir2 lagi dan terus mencoba dan mencoba untuk sabar. See, dari tulisan di atas pasti kesimpulannya adalah perubahan bukan ada di gue. At least that's what I've been thinking. Tapi gue selalu berusaha berpikir dari 2 sisi. Dari sudut pandang gue sendiri, dan dari sudut pandang counterpart gue. Setiap orang pasti ada sisi defensif, dan gue yakin kebanyakan manusia ingin stay the same. Mungkin ada hubungannya dengan konsistensi. Lo akan lebih dipercaya kalau konsisten, gak berubah-ubah. Makanya kalo dibilang, 'lo berubah!', mungkin 90 persen bakal bilang, 'gak, gue gak berubah. Lo kali yang berubah!' Kalo gue yang digituin, semoga gue bisa introspeksi dan gak langsung ngeles aja. Amin. Meanwhile, sebenernya yang berubah itu siapa? Gue atau lo? Gue sampe segini gak nyaman karena kadar kekagetannya nyaris menyamai waktu temen SMA gue buka jilbab dan jadi party animal, *gubrak*. Buat gue, perubahannya memang terlihat drastis. Dan semoga gue bisa tetap bertahan waras dan gak nurutin emosi yang bikin males. Amin...

Blue Moods. PMS?

Blue moods again. Really not a good time to be in this mood. Need to bounce back. Damn...

Always hate when it's like this. I hope this is just PMS. Amen...

Still Can Taste It

I still couldn't hardly believe that he kissed me there. In a bright Domino's outlet. And that I can still taste his lips on mine, even now.

God...

Bengal's Midweek Date

Yesterday was surreal. I went to the office, alone until noon. Then the other guys said that they're gonna meet up at a coffee shop to work. I asked if I was really needed to be there, otherwise I'd better stay at office. Well, they said no, so I just hung around at my desk. At about 2 pm I left and went to a salon to have my hair washed and blown. Never would I have thought that it was to be the best decision I made that day. :p

When my hair was being blown dry, Agy texted me and asked where I was. He said he was free and whether I would like to meet him somewhere. Whoa. I thought, why the heck not? So I answered that I was already off work and that I was heading to my favorite mall in South Jakarta. He then said he'd be there soon after he took care of things at his studio. I arrived first and bought a novel, then I hung around at the outdoor food court whilst reading and sipping lemonade. It was bliss.

And then he came. Said hi, hugged me and kissed my cheeks, then started talking as if we were friends. Weird for me, because I never really considered him as my friend. He had always been Syd's brother's best friend. And then he became an almost lover. When that was over, it felt like we were exes, you know. Exes who had some kind of grudges. Just plain weird. *sigh* But then he acted as if we were fine. Well, I could trace there had been a hard feeling, but let bygones be bygones. So yeah, we're like 2 newly-reacquainted persons enjoying a time together.

At the food court, we mainly talked lightly and basically just catching up. We ordered nothing but my cold drink which we finished together. I asked about his works. He enlightened me about an aspect that he loved which was the opportunity to learn and observe things. By just doing what he loved and did best. I think he's lucky. And the longer we talked, the more I realized how he'd grown more mature. He still looked the same as always. The angles on his face hardened a bit, but also gotten rounder as he had gained weight. Overall, he looked fine. Not that he was good looking. Hahaa...

We we getting hungry so we decided to move to a pizza joint nearby. It was deserted, we're the only dine-in customers there. All the better, hey? The ambience was kinda intimate. He put an arm round my shoulder. We didn't talk much, just eating and enjoying each other's presence. For once, I kept staring at him. He probably felt uncomfortable with my stares, but I couldn't help it. I was still trying to comprehend that it's really him sitting beside me, eating a pizza slice, with his arm around me. In a way, I was trying to memorize all things. His face, his voice, the scent around us, the lighting, and his kisses. Well, by the time the food were finished, he hugged me, butterfly-kissed my temple, smoothing my hair. Just like a normal couple. A normal couple that had been together for years, not hours. LOL.

At last, I got a glimpse of how it would be like if we had been together. Strangely familiar. Familiarly strange. He's like a conundrum I can't solve. Too many contradictions. Too many to be taken into consideration. Maybe it's better if I left it as it was. Much as I want to see what could happen, I don't think I could handle disappointments at the moment. *sigh*

So, I just enjoyed the time. He pulled out his laptop and finished some part of his work while I continued reading my book. Once in a while, one of us would put teasing touches. Playful touches. Invisible to all the the other people at the joint, but Agy and I could totally felt it. Risky business, haha... Then, he put his left hand on my thigh, and I play my right hand on the back of his neck. Each trying to break the other's concentration. :p Before we knew it, it was already 11 pm, and we decided to wrap the night. He swiftly kissed my lips right there. Twice. My heart stopped. Until now, I still hope there's no one saw us kissing. Those kisses were too short. And I wanted more. Way to go, Gy... :/

Holding hands, we left and caught a taxi. Then we went our separate ways.

07052011, 03:15 pm

Ngemall lagi gara2 di kantor kosong. Sebagian tim lagi ada kerjaan di luar kota, jadi anak kantor yang tersisa memutuskan untuk kerja di mall deh. Hehee... Kali ini kita memilih salah satu mall baru di daerah Jakarta Selatan. Disitu wifinya canggih. Even lo nongkrong di toilet juga dapat wifi kali. :p

So, I just got back from my leave, practically no work yesterday and spent the day just playing FV and napping at office, and now I'm hanging out in a cafe. Sort of. Life's good, no? ;)

Closure, Awkwardness, New Start?

Second BBM chat with Agy. It was still awkward. I know he wants something from me. He sent me his picture, then he asked me to do the same. I said that I was still looking more or less the same, still ugly and fat. Then can you believe what he said?

'You were beautiful last time we met, you know. Otherwise I wouldn't volunteer to take you home. And I still remember what we did that night.'

My first reaction: shocked. And then I was partly insulted, partly flattered. Easygoing that I am, I decided to take it lightly. And I replied, 'I also remember that first time in the car. My hands were shaking afterward.'

'But you'd seen me plenty of times before that, right? Why would you be shaking?'

'So? Yeah, we were familiar to each other, but we only got intense that night. Deg-degan, tau... Tapi gue gak nyangka lo masih inget.'

'Never forget. Setiap gue inget itu, langsung pusing.'

Aha! So, he was into me. Well, I kinda hurt his pride at that time, that's why we parted not at the best of terms. And this is the first contact between us after more than 4 or 5 years. Damn, it's been so long.

After that, the chatting got awkward again. I didn't know what to say to him, so I just left him hanging. And we haven't continue the convo yet. Maaany times I want to start, but I try to keep myself from doing exactly that. I'm still in a relationship. Before I get closure on this one, I'd better let Agy be. I don't want to repeat what happened on our first try.

You might wonder why I sound like I did want to start a new relationship with him. Well, I'm still not sure about that. But I know that I never really forget about being with him, about how it felt, short that it was. What we had was physical, but it was mindblowing. I never forget. Apparently he doesn't forget, too.

Honestly, I want out from my current relationship. I've been meaning to break up with Ben for weeks now, maybe even months. And suddenly Agy slip back into my life, deeper into my mind. The memory gets sharper, and it left me wanting. Badly.

Shit! I hate this. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'd be hurting Ben for a bad reason. Well, okay, Agy or no Agy, I've been meaning to break up with Ben. Being stupid, I keep on delaying and delaying. On the other hand, I have hurt Agy once. Doesn't he hold any grudge? Is he looking for payback? Am I being an idiot for letting him back into my life?