Closure, Awkwardness, New Start?

Second BBM chat with Agy. It was still awkward. I know he wants something from me. He sent me his picture, then he asked me to do the same. I said that I was still looking more or less the same, still ugly and fat. Then can you believe what he said?

'You were beautiful last time we met, you know. Otherwise I wouldn't volunteer to take you home. And I still remember what we did that night.'

My first reaction: shocked. And then I was partly insulted, partly flattered. Easygoing that I am, I decided to take it lightly. And I replied, 'I also remember that first time in the car. My hands were shaking afterward.'

'But you'd seen me plenty of times before that, right? Why would you be shaking?'

'So? Yeah, we were familiar to each other, but we only got intense that night. Deg-degan, tau... Tapi gue gak nyangka lo masih inget.'

'Never forget. Setiap gue inget itu, langsung pusing.'

Aha! So, he was into me. Well, I kinda hurt his pride at that time, that's why we parted not at the best of terms. And this is the first contact between us after more than 4 or 5 years. Damn, it's been so long.

After that, the chatting got awkward again. I didn't know what to say to him, so I just left him hanging. And we haven't continue the convo yet. Maaany times I want to start, but I try to keep myself from doing exactly that. I'm still in a relationship. Before I get closure on this one, I'd better let Agy be. I don't want to repeat what happened on our first try.

You might wonder why I sound like I did want to start a new relationship with him. Well, I'm still not sure about that. But I know that I never really forget about being with him, about how it felt, short that it was. What we had was physical, but it was mindblowing. I never forget. Apparently he doesn't forget, too.

Honestly, I want out from my current relationship. I've been meaning to break up with Ben for weeks now, maybe even months. And suddenly Agy slip back into my life, deeper into my mind. The memory gets sharper, and it left me wanting. Badly.

Shit! I hate this. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'd be hurting Ben for a bad reason. Well, okay, Agy or no Agy, I've been meaning to break up with Ben. Being stupid, I keep on delaying and delaying. On the other hand, I have hurt Agy once. Doesn't he hold any grudge? Is he looking for payback? Am I being an idiot for letting him back into my life?