Snap Up

Just finished my phone convo with the Friend With Benefit guy. Let's call him Batman. We discussed the details of our upcoming 'meeting', and it striked me as funny, seeing that we were like only discussing about a project. Felt impersonal, but honest nonetheless. But that's all about it.

At last, yesterday I saw him at work. We acted like there's nothing going on. It was hectic anyway. I almost kissed him when we had a time alone, but I decided not to. Not yet.

Finishing work, I went home, but halfway there, I made a mistake of allowing my almost-ex-bf to pick me up. Somehow, we ended up fighting again. I hate him so much. He took me to his place, and we fought again. He threatened to kill himself if I didn't give myself to him. I also was about to cut my wrist then and there, but he grabbed the fuckin knife. I thought it would be better if I died instead of him, thinking of my and his family. I ruined everyone's life. I ruined my life, but that's my problem, not anyone else's. He ruined his life, but he made it MY problem too. Told me not to be a coward. The pot calling the kettle black!! I realized now that he really is a psycho. Mentally fuckin abusive. Ad I let it become this far. I don't understand, APA GUE BEGITU MATI RASA??? APA GUE BEGITU GAK PUNYA HATI??? APA GUE BEGITU DATAR??? Sampe hal-hal seperti itu gak bisa gue sadari sebelumnya. Ato gue terlalu menggampangkan semuanya? G terlalu santai dan menganggap orang lain juga semestinya begitu...

He kissed me, I felt nothing. He touched me, I felt nothing. I couldn't stir anything. I just stayed still and let him do his things. It's like I was letting him to rape me. I hate the woman I have become. I'd rather be a slut than a frigid like that. I am going to be a free agent. No more commitments for me.