Bidadari yang kadang bengal, kadang insyaf, kadang stres, but mostly she's happy with her life. She likes to think that she's unconventional. But maybe that's just her imagination.
Isn't it kinda weird to stare at someone's BlackBerry Messenger profile picture or Facebook account or Twitter avatars and be able to say something like, 'Hmm, he kissed divinely,' or 'Eh, I've fucked him once,' or 'I know he wants me, I want him, should get this over with and meet up with him...'?
If so, well then, I AM weird. Well, kinda... *sigh*
Mulai resah lagi. Rasanya pengen cabut aja dari kerjaan terus jalan2 suka2 gue. Ngegembel, ngegembel deh. Kayak yang gue pernah tulis sebelumnya di blog ini. Tapi yaa, lagi2 ini masih masih mimpi.
Tapi gue udah mulai usaha lebih untuk mencapai mimpi gue itu. Insignificant efforts, but still better than nothing. The bro fully supports me, to the extent he even paid for this special crash course. I won't tell you what it is. :D
Preparing myself for living on much less than I do now. Thinking of quitting my day job. Trying to write more, which fails. :p Trying to broaden my local travel experience.
All of those things detracked me from my work. Now, I can't concentrate at office. More absence than presence. Naughty Bengal. Hope this works for me. Wish me luck... :)
Curiosity killed a cat. But it didn't kill me. It just kept me amused. :D
Maybe I should start from the beginning. Some time last week, Agy texted me and said that he would be home alone for a few months. His parents went out of town visiting his sister. We did not chat for long, just a little flirting as we both had been busy with something. As days gone by, I started to think that maybe he had just baited me to see my reaction. Maybe he was only checking his female contacts one by one to see who would bite. I sure as hell bit, but maybe he had a better offer?
But little as I know him, I was pretty sure that he was not a real player. He was just being himself. Wasting no time for tete-a-tete. Almost always straight to the point unless if he had thought that some persuasion is needed. So I did not expect much on the romancing department. I decided not to initiate anything. Just waiting and waiting until HE bit. And he did. Mwahahahahahaa... He sent me a BBM a few minutes after midnight on Thursday, 'Come to my place, Bengal. Please.'
I kept him waiting for half an hour, then I texted, 'When?' Seconds later, he replied, 'Now. Tonight.' @.@ Hellooo? What time is it, boy? I'm not some McDonald's menu that can be ordered 24/7. *Cue: pass out.*
Then I said, 'The only time I can spare is tomorrow night. Suits you?'
He replied, 'Tomorrow night. Can't wait. I'm horny as hell right now. Good night, Bengal. :*'
I left it unread until the morning after. But I'm pretty sure I got a spring in my walk that morning. That feeling of sharp expectation. Frustrating yet exhilarating. I've been waiting for some kind of closure with this particular guy. What we were about to do that night could turn into the climax and ended right after, or could be a new beginning in a perverse relationship. I could not be sure which one I would have preferred. Even until now.
All day was spent fantasizing about what would happen that night. My colleagues were probably a bit confused as to why I turned silent all day. I was nervous, almost a wreck, which was so not me. But even I had to admit that Agy was not like some other guy. Agy was the one that constantly on my mind since that kiss years ago. Once, I might have changed guys like I bought shoes, but I could swear, he's always there at the back of my mind. Seeking answer of what could have been. Stupidly insane. Disgustingly corny. Insanely unbelievable. At least for me. Shit, this is big, huh?
Let's just pass the small details. So, at his house, we made small talk. Unwinding after work and before sex *grins*. Just sitting in his living room. His arms started to snake their way around me, not long after that we started to kiss. A short one for starter. Testing the water. Longer one after that. And waaaaay longer after that one. Tongues battling, biting the opponent's lips, sucking and licking and all those delicious things. When it's getting even more unbearable, he stood up and pulled my hand. We went to his room upstairs.
His bed was still made up. I jumped onto it and sniffed his pillow. Not 2 seconds after, he put his body on top of my back and held me still. He kissed the back of my neck while his hands roamed all over. The night had just begun! :D I slipped from under and we changed positions. Lips locked, somehow our hands managed to undress each other almost effortlessly. Thank goodness I had been exercising regularly for the past few months so I had better stamina. And it was a long night. Almost two years of celibating and we broke it by finishing a box full of condom. Dotted ones. Felt so good. ;) Minor problem arised, egos acted up, but I managed to be the bigger person. The fact that his hand jobs and BJs were phenomenal might help. I could swear, setting some problems aside, he's the best sex buddy I've ever had.
In the morning, we woke up and did it again. And again. And then we went down and finishing some business. He continued his works, and I just sat beside him. I anticipated something like this therefore I had a book with me. I read, he worked. I read, he touched me. I touched him back, he worked. I read again, he touched me again. I touched him, all hell broke loose. We did it in his living room. In broad daylight. Curtains half closed. Other people could have looked inside with little effort. And we couldn't care less. Damn this neverending horniness! It totally clouded our judgements and sensibilities. It's a good thing no one had caught us, otherwise we might have been snatched out and paraded outside like those stories in Pos Kota. *swallowed*
As it was nearing afternoon, our moods changed perceptibly. It was like we had started to raise our barriers back. What happened between us there would stay there and then. Oh, we talked about stuffs in between sex. He said that we couldn't have predicted what would happen in the future. Who knew if we might be each other's soulmate? Which I didn't buy because I thought it was just his way keeping me pliable that night. And I was right. When the barrier was up, he was his distant self again. No funny business after that. He must be bipolar. He was so nice and loving when we were intimate, yet so cold and distant the rest of the time. And there's a hint of childishness too.
And why am I trying to analyze him? He's not a potential partner. Heck, he's not a partner material, period! But, I still have to admit that I have a soft spot for him. I don't know, maybe because we had history together? Despite what I had thought about him, I still want him to be available for me. Gosh, I'm so screwed up!
Chocolate muffin and hot green tea to accompany me harvesting my Farmville crops. At the moment, I am sitting in a Dunkin Donuts outlet with CrewCut, I treated him a cup of coffee. Teehee... He's drinking his coffee estatically, and I'm finishing my 'task' peacefully.
And now we're talking about my deceased family. We visited the their graves this morning, and he said that they were happy because we visited. And I'm happy because they're happy. I miss my mom and dad and siblings.
Jarang-jarang gue bisa suka lagu religius. Satu lagu yang gue suka adalah Insya Allah-nya Maher Zain dan Fadly Padi. Rasanya adem aja dengernya... Terus yang nyanyi cakep pula. Pokoknya gue suka deh. Banget.
Tapi itu minggu lalu. Mentang-mentang bulan Ramadhan, semua mall dan restoran memutar ini lagu, dan looping all the time. Awalnya gue sih seneng soalnya Alhamdulillah ada variasi dari lagu-lagu Bimbo yang bertahun-tahun diputar di tempat umum. Apalagi lagu yang, 'Kuntilanak bertanya pada bapaknyaa... lalalalalaaa...,' itu, tau kan lagunya?? Well, para mall ini dengan sukses merusak kesenangan gue sama lagu Insya Allah ini.
Sesuka-sukanya lo sama suatu lagu, kalo selama lebih kurang 30 hari dengarin 1 lagu tersebut sebanyak at least 20x sehari, eneg juga kan... Tuh kan, abis adzan maghrib, nih tempat langsung deh balik ke lagu sialan ini. *Glek*
Bad news for me and the guys, good news for our families. The Lebaran project was cancelled. That means no extra money and no funny stories. That means I have to spend Lebaran with my close family, which is good, and visit the elders and older relatives, which I hate to do. Their questions are excessive, insolent, and rude. Whether I want to get married now or never is none of your business, ladies and gents. This is my life and you have no say in it. Heck, you didn't even pay for my tuitions etc. Bleh...
So I digressed. The real issue here is the damned client. The stupid client who had no understanding whatsoever on cost and capital. Who thinks that our company is some kind of a charity bank for clients. Dude, when we say your budget is not enough, that means it's not enough. Don't badmouth us and say that we were a bad company who didn't know shit about our work. YOU don't know shit! From now on, you are in our blacklisted clients. So long, bitches... :*
Puasa udah di minggu kedua atau ketiga ya? Gue gak pernah ngitung, tapi yang jelas Lebaran ini gue bakal gawe lagi kayak tahun lalu. Ahiiiy! Eversince I graduated college then be a worker/employee/whatever, you could count the time I spent Lebaran with my family using only the fingers in one hand. :p And since my parents gone, I don't much care anymore. It's all the better, because it means more money, and less hassle with the relatives. Well, you know, how they always kaypoh about my love life blah blah blah...
So maybe I said yes to this project partly because I kind of trying to skirt this neverending issue with my family/relatives. But more because I like being away from Jakarta and being with my colleagues, even if it wouldn't be in a what you's call comfortable place. But that's what make your life stories, right?
Buuut, as there's still no contract, yet, I'm still keeping my fingers crossed. Meanwhile, our team still working on 2 other pitchings and an ideal project. What do I mean by ideal? Well, my other team is working on a supposedly an exbihition, supposedly abroad, and supposedly would totally attract one of our client. Yeah, right. I'm not so sure about that. I don't have a good feeling for the rest of the year. *sigh*
Saat gue masih usia sekolah, sampe gue kuliah deh, haram hukumnya bagi gue untuk dengerin musik lokal kecuali yang alirannya jazz. Kayaknya hina banget kalau gue sampe ketangkap basah lagi dengerin lagu Indonesia, apalagi yang dangdut atau keroncong. Parah banget deh gue.
Sekarang kayaknya gue ketulah. Vocabulary musik gue lebih banyak ke musik Indonesia daripada musik barat. Sekarang giliran gue yang terheran-heran sama temen-temen sekantor gue yang justru gak bisa denger musik Indonesia. Suatu waktu kita lagi karaokean, pas gue request lagunya GIGI dan Padi, salah satu temen gue ngomong, 'Ih, kok lagu mereka sih? Gue paling gak pernah deh dengerin musik Indonesia. Apa bagusnya?' *Jleb* Di saat itulah gue berasa kesentil dan jadi inget bahwa dulu gue juga seperti mereka. Shit, I used to be like them. :O
Musik Indonesia dulu dan sekarang menurut gue udah jauh beda. Ada orang yang bilang jadi lebih bagus, dan ada yang bilang malah mutunya menurun. Kalau menurut gue sih justru lebih bagus. Cakupan musiknya makin meluas, berkembang jauh dibanding dulu. Gak usah ngomongin kualitas deh, karena selera orang udah pasti beda. Kalo gue inget dulu rata2 lagu liriknya tentang cinta dan patah hati, sekarang udah lebih kreatif. Temanya bisa tentang politik, hal2 santai dalam kehidupan sehari2, ekologi, seks (of course!), dll. Melodinya makin menarik, keseluruhan sound udah jelas makin ok. Dulu alat musik cuma yang standar seperti gitar, piano/organ, drum, gitar (listrik), sekarang udah bisa diolah digital secara live. Makin cinta musik gak sih lo? :D
Dulu lo dengerin Panbers ato Betharia Sonata nyanyi kayaknya hits banget. Sekarang dong, ada GIGI, Slank, Maliq & The Essentials, Sherina, Andien, dan masih banyak lagi dengan berbagai aliran musik dan ciri khas masing2. Setiap musisi dan band harus memiliki keunikan tersendiri supaya bisa berhasil dan diakui oleh pendengarnya. Masing-masing punya fanbase yang kritis terhadap musik, gak sekedar tergila-gila karena penampilan si artis. Yaah, jangan ngitung SM*SH dan para endorser iklan sosis yang aneh itu ya, mereka mah bukan musisi, tapi sampah. IMHO ya. ;)
Permainan musik musisi papan atas di Indonesia makin matang dan solid. Gak kalah sama musisi luar negeri. Liriknya makin berisi dan berkualitas. Tapi kenapa masih banyak anak muda yang kayaknya jijik sama musik lokal ya? Kalo pun ada, sorry to say, kebanyakan berasal dari strata sosial menengah ke bawah, cenderung ke bawah malah. Yang sisanya malah ngefansnya sama Justin Bieber dan Lady Gaga. Packaging mereka emang ok dan terkonsep dari segi penampilan, tapi kalo musiknya, plis deh. Mendingan denger Wali kemana-mana. Sumpah!
So, there. I've said it. Yup, gue suka musik lokal dan gue bangga karena gue suka. Dulu memang gue khilaf, tapi sekarang kan udah insyaf *halah*. So, peeps, dengerin dulu deh musiknya, gue yakin lo pasti suka. :D
Been watching The Listener this weekend. Toby Logan's sweet character overlaid Craig Olejnik's totally hot body. So he's not that tall. But the proportion is perfect. Toned but slim, nice legs, good arms, oh man, he's nice all over. His chest, his neck, his shoulder, I bet his toes are nice too. :p
Okay, this is not a good topic during fasting. *smacking my own head*
Sekarang bener2 tutup buku deh. Gue BBM-in ucapan Ramadhan ke Agy secara personal, soalnya gue gak suka pake broadcast message. Dari jawabannya yang singkat dan padat, kesimpulannya adalah cukup sampai disini. Close chat, tutup buku, hidup tenang. Mwehehehee... Gak tenang juga sih, secara masih penasaran sebenernya. Tapi kayaknya dari dia juga mati respon gitu, yaudah, mari kita sudahi sesi pendekatan yang udah berminggu2 gak ada hasilnya ini.
Konsentrasi sama ibadah puasa ya, Bengal. Jangan mikirin cowok2 mulu. Mendingan juga cari duit buat keliling dunia. ;)
Seriously, do not ever call me 'Beb' or 'Bebeb'. Coming from experience and observation, I find those so called endearments insulting. You know I work in event management. One important thing in the business is human resources, and one of them is Sales Promotion Girls/Boys. There are thousands of SPG in Jakarta only. Most of them know each other by face, but could hardly recall each others' names unless they are in the same agency or have been working together for a long period of time. So, unashamedly, they use 'Bebeb' to call their friends.
Once I asked a girl how did 'Bebeb' came into her vocabulary, and why she started to use it. She said that her friends started to use it first, and it's probably started by the wardrobe and make up gays who fussed over them. And voila! Everyone's name is Bebeb. Just call them Beb. Bleh...
If you say that Bebeb means 'Sayang,' hellooo... Maybe you mean 'Baby' ya? I use it only for the people I really care about, not to just about anyone. You'd only degrade the meaning of the word. It's called endearment for a reason, ya know, to endear someone. *sigh*
So, that's the reasons of why I so hate to be called Bebeb. It's awful. You can always ask my name if you don't know or forget. You think I'm too extreme? Too lebay? So be it. I am entitled to state my own opinion. And I have a right to not be called Bebeb. By ANYONE. Thank you.
This time, I'm in The Script fever. Can't stop listening to their songs. Very enjoyable music, and I like the lyric. Plus, the vocalist looks awesome too. :D
Here's one of their songs, If You Ever Come Back.
And here's the lyric:
IF YOU EVER COME BACK - THE SCRIPT
If you're standing with your suitcase But you can't step on the train Everything's the way that you left it I still haven't slept yet
And if you're covering your face now But you just can't hide the pain Still setting two plates on the counter but eating without you
If the truth is you're a liar Then just say that you're okay I'm sleeping on your side of the bed Goin' out of my head now
And if you're out there trying to move on But something pulls you back again I'm sitting here trying to persuade you like you're in the same room
And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder And I wish you could still give me a hard time And I wish I could still wish it was over But even if wishing is a waste of time Even if I never cross your mind
I'll leave the door on the latch If you ever come back, if you ever come back There'll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat If you ever come back There'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on And it will be just like you were never gone There'll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat If you ever come back if you ever come back now Oh if you ever come back if you ever come back
Now they say I'm wasting my time 'Cause you're never comin' home But they used to say the world was flat But how wrong was that now?
And by leavin' my door open I'm riskin' everything I own There's nothing I can lose in a break-in that you haven't taken
And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder And I wish you can still give me a hard time And I wish I could still wish it was over But even if wishing is a waste of time Even if I never cross your mind
I'll leave the door on the latch If you ever come back, if you ever come back There'll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat If you ever come back There'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on And it will be just like you were never gone There'll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat If you ever come back, if you ever come back now Oh, if you ever come back, if you ever come back
If it's the fighting you remember or the little things you miss I know you're out there somewhere so just remember this If it's the fighting you remember or the little things you miss Oh just remember this, oh just remember this
I'll leave the door on the latch If you ever come back, if you ever come back There'll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat If you ever come back There'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on And it will be just like you were never gone There'll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat If you ever come back, if you ever come back now Oh, if you ever come back, if you ever come back
And it will be just like you were never gone And it will be just like you were never gone And it will be just like you were never gone If you ever come back, if you ever come back now
Alhamdulillah akhirnya kemaren berhasil nyekar ke makam keluarga gue. Secara pulang kerja pasti macet, gue minta tolong CrewCut nganterin gue pake motornya siang2 gitu ke makam, karena lokasinya juga gak jauh2 amat sih dari kantor. Untung dia mau. :)
Pas sampe di makam, gue beli bunga sekeranjang plus beberapa botol air mawar, karena selain bokap n nyokap gue, di makam itu juga ada 2 kakak sulung gue plus eyang gue, dan beberapa saudara yang lain. Pertama gue nyekar ke makam nyokap dan kakak2 gue. CrewCut ikut kirim doa. Yang bikin agak aneh kok nih anak mendadak diem kayak lagi kenapa gitu. Di makam masih tersebar kelopak2 bunga dan daun yang udah mengering, mungkin sisa dari kakak gue yang nyekar minggu lalu. Makam kakak gue sisi2nya agak keropos, entah tanahnya yang kering atau karena para penghuni liar di kompleks pemakaman itu yang sembarangan tiduran atau duduk disitu. :(( Berasa kangennya sama nyokap deh. Biasanya kalo udah deket lebaran, pasti kita bikin masak untuk sajian ke keluarga dan tamu yang dateng ke rumah. Secara nyokap dan bokap masing2 adalah orang yang dituakan di keluarga masing2, maka kita pasti open house tiap lebaran. Nyokap dapet bagian bikin masakan kayak rendang, sayur labu dll dst dsb, segala macam masakan yang gue males banget ngerjainnya karena gue gak suka tangan gue kotor sama bumbu. Hehee... Sementara gue dapet bagian bikin macam2 cookies dan cake. Gue paling seneng wangi cookies yang lagi dipanggang di oven. Mmmmmhhh... Sayang aja oven di rumah udah gak sekeren dulu. Pengen deh bikin cookies and cake lagi. Dijamin pada doyan dan heran, ternyata gue jago juga masaknya. Biasanya sih orang2 emang pada gak percaya kalo gue kasih cookies buatan gue. Pada gak tau aja kalo gue ini maestro. Hmm... :p
Dari makam nyokap, gue pindah nyekar ke makam bokap dan eyang kakung yang letaknya bersebelahan. Gue cabutin rumput kering dan bersihin sedikit makamnya. Setelah itu baru siram air mawar dan tabur bunga. CrewCut agak banyak nanya2 tentang siapa aja keluarga gue yang dimakamin disitu. Gue cerita macem2 sambil kita duduk di samping makam bokap. Gue paling kangen sama bokap, mungkin karena emang gue paling dekat sama bokap dari sejak kecil. He's my hero, my first love, the one I want my guy one day to be like. Anak papa banget deh gue. :p Bokap adalah orang yang cenderung diam tapi selalu terasa kehadirannya. Gue orang yang paling gak pernah curhat ke keluarga gue. Tapi kalo lagi galau, gue ajak aja bokap hangout berdua kemana gitu. Entah nonton ke bioskop, atau makan ke KFC, atau sok2an nonton live music di kafe. Tapi ya gue kira2 juga. Cari live musicnya juga yang rada musik2 evergreen gitu deh istilahnya. Gak mungkin kan bokap gue ajak dengerin musik yang hardcore atau hip hop? Hehee... Kalo lagi hangout sama bokap, gue cuek aja minum alcoholic drinks, karena beliau percaya sama gue, lagian kan gue minumnya ditemenin sama bokap. Jadi takarannya ketauan. Malah kadang bokap pesen minuman, gue yang disuruh minum. 'Kamu harus coba semua, Bengal. Yang penting tau rasanya, tapi jangan sampe mabok atau jadi alcoholic. Yang penting kamu tau batas. Nih, cobain Whisky Cola punya Papa.' Hihi, bokap gue emang rock n roll abis. I love you, Pa. :*
Di perjalanan balik ke kantor, baru deh si CrewCut cerita kalo dia tadi di makam diajak ngobrol sama eyang dan keluarga gue, termasuk bokap n nyokap. Katanya dia dititipin gue. *Dueeeeenggg!!*
'Ya itu. Tadi bokap lo seneng banget lo datengin dan doain beliau ke makamnya. Terus yang di sebelah bokap itu eyang lo ya? Wataknya mirip gitu berdua. Masa beliau nitipin lo ke gue, Ngal. Abis eyang lo bilang gitu, yang lain pada ngikut juga nitipin lo ke gue. Ya bokap, nyokap, kakak lo, sampe eyang putri lo yang di Jawa juga tadi ada.'
Gue langsung cengo dong. Pas denger bahwa bokap gue seneng gue datengin, gue sempet speechless dan pengen nangis. Rasanya legaaaaa banget denger bokap seneng. Aneh ya. Ngetik ini aja sekarang mata gue jadi berkaca2 lagi. Hiks... Tapi yang gue bingung, kenapa gue malah dititipin ke dia ya? Malah mustinya kan pada marah ke kita, secara kita berdua badung gitu. Terus CrewCut bilang kalo nyokap gue udah tau. Tapi tetep aja ikutan nitipin gue, bukannya malah murka gimana gitu. Oh, even di alam lain, keluarga gue pun tetep rock n roll. Yasalaaam...
Dan jujur, kejadian hari itu sukses membuat gue tercenung dan bengong. Percaya gak percaya, tapi CrewCut emang bisa komunikasi dengan alam lain tersebut. Kalo di kantor ato daerah rumahnya ada orang lagi kesurupan aja pasti dia yang nyembuhin. Tengil2 gitu tapi sakti. Kadang keliatan blo'on tapi sakti. Emang orang sakti itu sakti ya. *Kayaknya gue mulai melantur deh* Oh, well. Yah begitulah ceritanya. Gue gak tau apa ada hal lain yang dia gak ceritain ke gue. Yang jelas dia juga bilang kalo watak bokap dan gue mirip. Itu aja gue uda seneng. Hehee...
Makasih ya CrewCut, udah nemenin gue nyekar, eh pake apes ketitipan gue oleh almarhum keluarga gue. :)
Kontradiksi adalah saat lidah lo mengirimkan sinyal bahwa rasa masakannya masih kurang pedas. sementara perut sudah mulai mules dan berontak. Hiks...
Jadi gue tadi makan bakso pake sambel yang banyak. Eh, tapi kalo kata anak2 sih sebenernya gue makan sambel pake bakso. Dan pas gue minta nambah kuah, gue lupa kalo abangnya udah ngasih sambel yang banyak, eh malah gue tambahin sambelnya. Sumpah rasanya jadi kayak dinamit. Lidah gue sih masih tahan, malah rasanya seru banget. Cuma ternyata perut gue yang menjerit. Kelar makan, gak sampe 5 menit gue udah ambil posisi wuenak di toilet. Wuahahahahaa...
Temen gue yang doyan pedes nyobain kuah bakso gue sesendok, langsung ngambek gitu. Hihihihi...
Tapi sekarang gue pengen banget makan nasi plus sambalnya Bu Rudy. Hiks...
Revelation. What a word. What would you do when you found out that nothing is as it seems? Yeah, I know. Nothing IS as it seems. Ever. So, why would I be surprised? It's just I wouldn't have expected this, from my own best friend nonetheless. Feeling betrayed? Somewhat.
Well, it's not that bad, actually. She just suddenly decided to be more her own person. Which she apparently hadn't been in all these years of friendship with me and Kucil. Which we didn't know until now. Some friends we are, huh? :( Now all we have to do is to adapt and adjust. :/
Ternyata kalo makan dalam keadaan emosi tuh jadinya kacau ya... Hehee. Jadi tadi siang makan nasi padang. Terus tadi sore beli pisang goreng dan kolak durian. Ehh, temen gue dateng ke kantor bawain pizza dan fusilli dari Pizza Hut. Ampun... Perut gue rasanya mau meledak sekarang. :p
Sekarang kekenyangan, terus dengerin lagu sambil cek timeline di Twitter. It's hilarious seeing how some people trying to sound smart and sophisticated while in fact they sound stupid and illiterate instead. Pathetic. And that is such an entertainment for me. Yeah, I'm that bad, I know. So, sue me. Wew...
Had an interesting convo this morning with someone close to me. Apparently we had a mutual opinion on something. Hmm, interesting... *misterius amat sih, Ngal?* :p
Oh well. Gotta go. People to see, places to be. Tataa... *blowing kisses*
Bingung sendiri. Sebenernya gue yang berubah atau dia yang berubah ya? Akhir2 ini suka kaget plus gak nyaman dengan apa yang ada. Jangan salah, ini bukan tentang kerjaan kok. Yaah, untungnya sih bukan. Hahaa... Perubahan itu bagus. Hidup terus berjalan. Semuanya tumbuh, berkembang, berevolusi. Entah gue yang terjebak di zona nyaman selama bertahun2 terakhir, atau mungkin juga satu hal ajaib ini yang mendadak melakukan revolusi. Yak, gue bilang revolusi, bukan evolusi. Terlalu cepat. Gue gak yakin bisa mengikuti perubahannya. Dan jujur gue gak nyaman dengan hal tersebut. Gue berusaha tetap membuka pikiran gue, bahwa ini adalah hal yang baik. Gue masih dalam proses mencerna supaya bisa menerima dan beradaptasi dengan baik. Tapi kadang muncul rasa gak sabar. Kadang muncul pikiran buruk dan memutuskan untuk melepaskan hal tersebut. I wish I could just decide not to keep up with it and just let it go. Tapi kemudian gue pasti bakal pikir2 lagi dan terus mencoba dan mencoba untuk sabar. See, dari tulisan di atas pasti kesimpulannya adalah perubahan bukan ada di gue. At least that's what I've been thinking. Tapi gue selalu berusaha berpikir dari 2 sisi. Dari sudut pandang gue sendiri, dan dari sudut pandang counterpart gue. Setiap orang pasti ada sisi defensif, dan gue yakin kebanyakan manusia ingin stay the same. Mungkin ada hubungannya dengan konsistensi. Lo akan lebih dipercaya kalau konsisten, gak berubah-ubah. Makanya kalo dibilang, 'lo berubah!', mungkin 90 persen bakal bilang, 'gak, gue gak berubah. Lo kali yang berubah!' Kalo gue yang digituin, semoga gue bisa introspeksi dan gak langsung ngeles aja. Amin. Meanwhile, sebenernya yang berubah itu siapa? Gue atau lo? Gue sampe segini gak nyaman karena kadar kekagetannya nyaris menyamai waktu temen SMA gue buka jilbab dan jadi party animal, *gubrak*. Buat gue, perubahannya memang terlihat drastis. Dan semoga gue bisa tetap bertahan waras dan gak nurutin emosi yang bikin males. Amin...
Yesterday was surreal. I went to the office, alone until noon. Then the other guys said that they're gonna meet up at a coffee shop to work. I asked if I was really needed to be there, otherwise I'd better stay at office. Well, they said no, so I just hung around at my desk. At about 2 pm I left and went to a salon to have my hair washed and blown. Never would I have thought that it was to be the best decision I made that day. :p
When my hair was being blown dry, Agy texted me and asked where I was. He said he was free and whether I would like to meet him somewhere. Whoa. I thought, why the heck not? So I answered that I was already off work and that I was heading to my favorite mall in South Jakarta. He then said he'd be there soon after he took care of things at his studio. I arrived first and bought a novel, then I hung around at the outdoor food court whilst reading and sipping lemonade. It was bliss.
And then he came. Said hi, hugged me and kissed my cheeks, then started talking as if we were friends. Weird for me, because I never really considered him as my friend. He had always been Syd's brother's best friend. And then he became an almost lover. When that was over, it felt like we were exes, you know. Exes who had some kind of grudges. Just plain weird. *sigh* But then he acted as if we were fine. Well, I could trace there had been a hard feeling, but let bygones be bygones. So yeah, we're like 2 newly-reacquainted persons enjoying a time together.
At the food court, we mainly talked lightly and basically just catching up. We ordered nothing but my cold drink which we finished together. I asked about his works. He enlightened me about an aspect that he loved which was the opportunity to learn and observe things. By just doing what he loved and did best. I think he's lucky. And the longer we talked, the more I realized how he'd grown more mature. He still looked the same as always. The angles on his face hardened a bit, but also gotten rounder as he had gained weight. Overall, he looked fine. Not that he was good looking. Hahaa...
We we getting hungry so we decided to move to a pizza joint nearby. It was deserted, we're the only dine-in customers there. All the better, hey? The ambience was kinda intimate. He put an arm round my shoulder. We didn't talk much, just eating and enjoying each other's presence. For once, I kept staring at him. He probably felt uncomfortable with my stares, but I couldn't help it. I was still trying to comprehend that it's really him sitting beside me, eating a pizza slice, with his arm around me. In a way, I was trying to memorize all things. His face, his voice, the scent around us, the lighting, and his kisses. Well, by the time the food were finished, he hugged me, butterfly-kissed my temple, smoothing my hair. Just like a normal couple. A normal couple that had been together for years, not hours. LOL.
At last, I got a glimpse of how it would be like if we had been together. Strangely familiar. Familiarly strange. He's like a conundrum I can't solve. Too many contradictions. Too many to be taken into consideration. Maybe it's better if I left it as it was. Much as I want to see what could happen, I don't think I could handle disappointments at the moment. *sigh*
So, I just enjoyed the time. He pulled out his laptop and finished some part of his work while I continued reading my book. Once in a while, one of us would put teasing touches. Playful touches. Invisible to all the the other people at the joint, but Agy and I could totally felt it. Risky business, haha... Then, he put his left hand on my thigh, and I play my right hand on the back of his neck. Each trying to break the other's concentration. :p Before we knew it, it was already 11 pm, and we decided to wrap the night. He swiftly kissed my lips right there. Twice. My heart stopped. Until now, I still hope there's no one saw us kissing. Those kisses were too short. And I wanted more. Way to go, Gy... :/
Holding hands, we left and caught a taxi. Then we went our separate ways.
Ngemall lagi gara2 di kantor kosong. Sebagian tim lagi ada kerjaan di luar kota, jadi anak kantor yang tersisa memutuskan untuk kerja di mall deh. Hehee... Kali ini kita memilih salah satu mall baru di daerah Jakarta Selatan. Disitu wifinya canggih. Even lo nongkrong di toilet juga dapat wifi kali. :p
So, I just got back from my leave, practically no work yesterday and spent the day just playing FV and napping at office, and now I'm hanging out in a cafe. Sort of. Life's good, no? ;)
Second BBM chat with Agy. It was still awkward. I know he wants something from me. He sent me his picture, then he asked me to do the same. I said that I was still looking more or less the same, still ugly and fat. Then can you believe what he said?
'You were beautiful last time we met, you know. Otherwise I wouldn't volunteer to take you home. And I still remember what we did that night.'
My first reaction: shocked. And then I was partly insulted, partly flattered. Easygoing that I am, I decided to take it lightly. And I replied, 'I also remember that first time in the car. My hands were shaking afterward.'
'But you'd seen me plenty of times before that, right? Why would you be shaking?'
'So? Yeah, we were familiar to each other, but we only got intense that night. Deg-degan, tau... Tapi gue gak nyangka lo masih inget.'
'Never forget. Setiap gue inget itu, langsung pusing.'
Aha! So, he was into me. Well, I kinda hurt his pride at that time, that's why we parted not at the best of terms. And this is the first contact between us after more than 4 or 5 years. Damn, it's been so long.
After that, the chatting got awkward again. I didn't know what to say to him, so I just left him hanging. And we haven't continue the convo yet. Maaany times I want to start, but I try to keep myself from doing exactly that. I'm still in a relationship. Before I get closure on this one, I'd better let Agy be. I don't want to repeat what happened on our first try.
You might wonder why I sound like I did want to start a new relationship with him. Well, I'm still not sure about that. But I know that I never really forget about being with him, about how it felt, short that it was. What we had was physical, but it was mindblowing. I never forget. Apparently he doesn't forget, too.
Honestly, I want out from my current relationship. I've been meaning to break up with Ben for weeks now, maybe even months. And suddenly Agy slip back into my life, deeper into my mind. The memory gets sharper, and it left me wanting. Badly.
Shit! I hate this. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'd be hurting Ben for a bad reason. Well, okay, Agy or no Agy, I've been meaning to break up with Ben. Being stupid, I keep on delaying and delaying. On the other hand, I have hurt Agy once. Doesn't he hold any grudge? Is he looking for payback? Am I being an idiot for letting him back into my life?
Syd is in town! Yeaayy... And we're gonna go on a road trip, babyyyyy... :D
She's picking up her friend in the airport today. Tomorrow, we're gonna go to Jakarta Fair. After that, there's a friend's wedding reception dinner. Oh, so many things to do. Not to say I still have to prepare for an event which will be executed next week.
Right, so he started the chat at around 11.30 pm last night. When I heard the message alert, I thought it was an emergency seeing that it was almost midnight. Imagine how my heart dropped when I saw it was Agy. Jeez, man. It was like an adrenaline rush. Should I answer it right away? Or waited until the next morning? Decision, decision...
Deg-degan gue. Gak ada angin gak ada badai, tadi siang Agy nge-add pin BBM gue. My God. After years of no communication, dia nge-add gue. Dia yang nge-add gue, not the other way around. I thought he hated me and want nothing to do with me forever. Jadi penasaran dia mau apa. Setelah gue approve, udah gitu doang. Ngajak chat juga nggak. *Dueeeeng...*
Oh, well. Let's see what would he do. Trying to be patient and not starting the chat with him. :p
Ketemu teman2 lama. Udah hampir setahun gak ketemu. Sekarang saatnya event lagi, lanjutan yang tahun lalu. Kembali di hotel yang sama, cuma bedanya sekarang udah ada wifinya. Kenceng pula. Horeeeee...
Agak ketar-ketir juga sih. Karena gue udah beberapa bulan terakhir diekspor ke kantor baru, dan gue sebenernya gak dikasih ikutan event lagi sama Boss Lady karena dia mau gue konsen sama kantor baru ini. Cuma gue kan kangen banget yak sama lapangan. Udah niat bujuk-bujuk Boss Man dan Om Noy supaya gue boleh ikutan, eh ternyata mereka malah yang minta gue ikut karena kepepet kekurangan orang. Alhamdulillaaaaah... :p Anyway, karena gue ada kesibukan juga di kantor baru, maka gue gak ikut meeting dan briefing apapun untuk event ini. Malahan kayaknya si bos dan para PIC pada sibuk masing-masing. Katanya, gue cukup pegang 1 hal disana. Yaudah, gue nyantai. Toh tugas gue sama seperti salah satu kerjaan gue di roadshow event ini tahun-tahun yang lalu.
Naaaah, ternyata yang terjadi malah lain. Mendadak gue musti bantu belanja sehari sebelum event karena anak-anak sebagian besar udah di lapangan karena musti preparation venue, dan yang lain ditarik ke acaranya Boss Lady. Gue dikasih list belanjaan, ditransferin duit 15 juta, dan belanjalah gue keliling Jakarta. Untung ditemenin CrewCut, kalo gak ya mampus aja gue bawa bertumpuk-tumpuk gembolan kemana-mana. Hiks... Itu baru di preparation.
Nah, pas event udah mulai, entah siapa PIC yang mustinya tugas, atau si bos juga lagi keder dan kurang koordinasi, dan memang si klien ngasih brief cuma jebret aja tanpa penjelasan eksekusi yang diharapkan seperti apa, jadilah bapak-bapak bos dan klien terhormat dikit-dikit nyari gue nyuruh ini-itu yang gue aja gak tau sebenernya musti ngapain. Lah, brief dan konsep event aja gue gak pernah terima. Layout venue aja gue gak dikasih, rundown acara gak tau, pokoknya gak ada brief apa-apa. Namun, dengan kesaktian gue yang setingkat diatas dewa, dan setiap orang yang kepepet pasti nemu aja solusi, gue selama 2 hari ngarang bebas aja tentang segala macam solusi dari masalah yang pada muncul dadakan. Untung semuanya bisa dijalanin.
Emang seru sih. Karena budget dipotong, kita musti kurangin jumlah kru. Semua multitasking, tapi gue udah dibilangin cuma harus bantuin di 1 hal aja. Eh, yang terjadi lain. Pos gue adalah tempat dimana klien dan partner-partnernya ngumpul dan ngerubungin gue untuk update info. Lo bayangin aja kalo lo sebagai kru EO yang harus terima update dari peserta event, trus rekap infonya n the spot sambil ditungguin klien disitu juga, dan ada partner-partnernya yang bos-bos semua nungguin update tiap jam di tenda gue. Sementara bos gue dan anak-anak dikit-dikit nelponin gue minta dicariin solusi ini-itu. Daaaan, para konsumen yang beli produk semua dibawa ke tenda gue untuk database. Gue SENDIRIAN yang ngerjain itu selama 2 hari. Gak sempet makan, sumpah!
Yang gue heran kenapa musti pada nyariin gueeee? Dan sekarang gue rasanya mau pingsan. Capek banget, badan kaku dan pegel, dan gak sempet istirahat. Anak-anak pada libur kelar event, gue malah bikin report event plus meeting dan ngerjain kerjaan kantor baru. Tau deh. Gue mau tidur. Ciao...
Jujur, gue mau pacaran karena cari seneng. Ngapain pacaran kalo yang ada gue jadi ngomel ato emosi melulu? I've been disappointed by Ben for so many times, without even meeting him in person for weeks. I don't know whether it's because we have different circle, different way of thinking, or maybe I simply expect too much of him. So maybe it's my fault. Seeing that, I broke up with him a few weeks ago. But he apologized, so we made up.
So, I tried and tried to make time for us to meet, but he said he couldn't see me because he got typhoid. And when he got better, he caught fever again despite my telling him to get a full rest. Last night, we made an appointment to meet tonight. All day I couldn't contact him. At about 8.30 pm he texted me he wanted to go to a metal gig somewhere with his friends. Shoot, man! He stood me up. Then he said he wanted to take me there with him, I guess because he sensed how I was pissed that our rendezvous was cancelled. Dude, I don't need that kind of thing. Just go and fuck yourself. And please leave me alone.
For the last hour he's been texting me saying sorry and asking to see me tonight. Hello?!?! Where have you been all day, man? You promised me, last night. I don't appreciate your attitude. I have a life. Piss off, a-hole!
When you'd been stuck at home for 2 days in a row, you'd know how I'm feeling right now. Spend almost the whole time for sleeping, eating, laying around, watching TV, reading, basically just being a lazybum. And now I feel so bloated. Buekhh...
In this kind of situation, it's no wonder that I'd be imagining of going on an impromptu trip to Bali or Seychelles. I really miss the beach. Even strolling around Ancol's paved beach would be a welcomed moment these days.
Damn, I need air. I need to breathe. I need to be outside. I need to be by the ocean. :((
Never wanted to be clingy. So, I keep my cool when we barely communicate. Even though I know he doesn't have his cell phone which he lost a couple of weeks ago. Still, he usually borrows his friend's phones or use someone's netbook to log on Facebook. When we don't text, we send messages in Facebook. And he goes to the warnet mostly every night. So, when he seems to be disappearing from earth face these last few days, I kind of get worried. Even pissed. Because if he wants to, he could always find a way to contact me.
What pisses me off is he's the one who said that even if couldn't see each other every weekend or so, at least we must communicate in any way we could everyday. EVERYDAY. I keep my part of the bargain. Why can't he? Stupid asswipe.
I realize that I'm the type of girl who likes touching and physical contact. That's my kind of relationship. I'd like us to meet as often as possible. I can try to work around my schedule if the guy were cooperative. Well, I don't think he is. What he does requires me to commit totally into the relationship. To trust him completely when he's not around. But I want a guy who is available physically. A guy I could touch, I could kiss, a guy who could hold me in his arms. Screw the heart and all those stupid emotions. Just give me his real presence. Otherwise, I might just find the next available guy. :p
It's getting stale. Either I need to think of him in a more casual way, or break him up altogether. Casual seems tempting, though. Let him think we are together. And I'll just put it in my mind that he's a fling. A fuck-buddy. Except, we haven't got to the fucking part, yet. Jeez. Boring, much? Dude... Meh... *rolling eyes*
Astaga, si Menik udah berubah jadi monster metropolitan. Sereeem... Dandanannya selalu all out, rokoknya udah naik pangkat jadi Marlboro, tiap malem nongkrong di kafe ngecengin pemain band, trus cowoknya banyak banget sampe gue gak bisa inget siapa yang mana. Wuiiiih... Kalo di Sex n The City dia itu selevelan Samantha gitu deh. *nyembah Menik*
Siklus dia naksir-pedekate-trying to get serious-ilfil sama cowok semakin cepat dan sering. Ratu Lebah yang mengerikan. Hey, men. Beware! Run for your life. She's out to hunt all of you and eat you alive. Misalnya nih ya, Senin kita BBM-an dan dia cerita tentang cowok A. Lagi chatting tau2 dia bilang mau siap2 soalnya ada janjian mau jalan sama cowok B. Besoknya cerita kalo dia lagi dideketin sama cowok C. Tapi dia lagi kangen sama cowok D. Nah, ada cowok E mau bawain dia makanan ke kosannya, sementara weekend dia jalan2 ke Ragunan sama cowok F. Mampus gak lo? Dan somewhere along, dia akan cerita konfliknya sama cowok G dan patah hati sama cowok H, and so on, and so on, gue sampe bingung sebenernya dia lagi cerita tentang lebah jantan sial yang mana. Wakakakakakaka...
Kusut banget ya, Gustiiiii... Untung gue berbakat jadi Dokter Cinta. Biarpun sebenernya aliran gue itu adalah Jalan Kemaksiatan Penuh Nafsu. *uupss...* So far, berhasil ngasih dia nasihat2 manis biar dia ada kemajuan, biarpun gue gak tau juga dicerna sama dia dan bisa dijalanin ato gak, secara gue yakin sebenernya dia ada penyakit usir-cowok-sejauh-mungkin-kalo-udah-mulai-mengancam-kepercayaan-diri. Asli, itu nama penyakit paling panjang yang gue pernah tau. Sabar ya, Bengal. Semoga si Menik cepat normal dan hamil. Kalo hamil kan mau gak mau dia musti stick with that one guy and stop making us dizzy and confused about those many guys. Amin... :p
Kayaknya gue malam ini dikerjain deh sama pegawai outlet penjual donat ini. Padahal mah dia yang salah. Gue udah pesen paket kopi dan donat. Dia charge gue kopi doang, donatnya lupa. Trus gue disuruh bayar harga donatnya full. Ya gue gak mau. Gue pesen yang paket kok. Akhirnya sama temennya disuruh void transaksi sebelumnya, gue tinggal bayar selisih harga paketnya. Wew. Trus sekarang gue butuh wi-fi, dan gak bisa aja gitu. Kayaknya dimatiin deh wi-finya sama si pegawai dodol itu. Cih... Nanya kok gak bisa internetan juga gue males. Reseh lu, cong. Awas aja ntar kualat. Cih. Akhirnya gue ngetik pake aplikasi Notes aja di mac. Sekalian iseng. Masih males pulang dan pengen ngetik-ngetik apaan aja deh, soalnya kalo di kantor gak bisa tenang ngeblog. Hahahaa...
Semalem gue juga kesini sama si Ndut. Kita ngobrol rada serius rada lama juga. Sebenermya sih dia yang serius, gue ngerecokin aja sambil coba becandain dia. Soalnya kalo gak dibecandain bisa-bisa dia kebablasan. Kayaknya tu cowok ngebet banget pacaran serius deh. Emangnya dia gak ada kapok atau trauma cerai apa? Gue aja yang belum pernah nikah masih santai gini. Padahal gue yang cewek yang mustinya pengen buru-buru. Hiihh... Pokoknya awas aja lo, Ndut. Kalo lo beneran ngajak serius, bisa-bisa gue ntar minta putus deh. Hiks. Padahal gue udah seneng punya pacar. Bisa pelukan ato berduaan ngapain kek. Tapi gue gak mau kawiiin eh nikaaaah... T_T
Anyway, ada 1 cowok di tim baru di kantor gue, namanya Awan, punya pacar yang lebih tua dan galak. Mereka pacaran udah jaman mereka kuliah, ada kali 5 tahun. Tiap pagi, siang, sore, malam, selalu telponan. Entah laporan lagi ngapain, minta dilaporin pasangannya lagi ngapain, berantem, mesra-mesraan, dll dst dsb. Kalo gue sih liat mereka rada gengges deh. Maksudnya, pacarannya posesif amat yak, tiap detik musti laporan lagi ngapain. Kalo misalnya si Dina lagi kemana dan sebelumnya belum ngasih tau, Awan langsung ngomel, 'Kok kamu gak bilang dari tadi? Aku baru tau kalo kamu mau kesana sekarang...' Dueeeng... Kalo gue punya cowok kayak gitu udah langsung gue cuci otak deh. Ampuuuun. Naaah, kenapa gak ada angin gak ada hujan tau-tau gue cerita tentang Awan? Karena mendadak gue nyadar dia mulai agak gimanaaa gitu sama gue. Suka tau-tau nyender, atau jalan dari kursinya ke tempat gue, nyenggol bahu gue sambil lihat isi monitor gue, beberapa menit kemudian balik lagi ke kursinya. Suka nyamperin gak jelas gitu deh. Padahal sama anak-anak lain dia gak gitu. Sungguh ajaib. Bikin gue curiga aja kan. Apa dia lagi stres sama ceweknya trus pelarian ke gue yak? :p
Aha aha aha, musti hati-hati nih. Antara dia emang naksir gue, atau gue yang kegeeran trus ntar malah naksir dia. Suit suiiww... Pokoknya jangan cari gara-gara deh. Si Dina itu lebih tua, dan jutek judes euy. Mukanya sadis. Bingung juga si Awan bisa bertahun-tahun sama dia gitu. Tapi ya yang namanya juga orang cinta *preeet*. Tapi jangan main nyenggol-nyenggol bahaya ke gue gitu dong, Wan. -______-'
Kok punya pacar sama gak punya pacar tuh sama aja rasanya ya? Enaknya pacaran kali ini adalah gue gak usah laporan sama dia tiap kali mau melakukan sesuatu ato pergi kemana. And I don't feel the need to let him know what I am doing at the moment. We barely communicated. On a bad day, we don't text at all, moreover call. On a other (good?) days, he'd text me non-stop and we'd chat on the phone for hours.
We also very barely see each other. Once a week is good enough. With my workload at the moment, I could almost not find time to see him. And when he finished work, he'd almost always so tired.
Not that I'm complaining. It just feels so weird. I've gotten used to the heavy frequency of calls, texts, and meets with my previous boyfriends. Something feels lost now. But on the other side, this is liberating also. Oh, well, there's always 2 sides of everything. The problem is only when each of us want a hug or a kiss or a touch which requiring us to meet, time is often a barrier. Damn.
But, please, hon. Stop insinuating and saying stuffs like rings, fiancees, and scared of losing me, and things like that. It creeps me out. *goosebumps*
I know reading about how busy we are or how our workload were such a shitload is so boring and overrated. But well, sometimes I can't help it. This is where I can write about it, I don't have to worry if my bosses or colleagues reading it, and so on. I twit a lot. A LOT!! But complaining about my work is something I will not do on Twitter nor Facebook. A big NO. Complaining about clients too. A bigger NO. It's almost like suicide, you know? And that should be enough reason for me to pour all about it here, on my secret blog. Teehee...
Boring as it is, here goes. I've been working on 3 projects and 1 pitching. Thank goodness 1 project is almost done. That one was like a problematic child. Nothing seemed to go perfectly right. We always checked and rechecked, but there's always something missing or weirdly changed in the result. If you checked my email, 80 percent of inbox content are all about that one project. Shiiit! *feels like scrubbing my BB clean with soap*
And there's this pitching coming up, seem like a big one. And we need to work it out, all are nearing deadlines, and all need extra efforts. If you ever worked in your office for at least a week without going back to your pad, I'm sure you'd know how this feels. So, I don't have to say more. Like I have the time to tell all about it now. Cih...
That's all I need to say, now. *balik kerja sambil meratap*
Java Jazz Festival 2011. Akhirnya gue dateng lagi ke festival ini setelah absen bertahun2. Dari awal emang udah pengen banget, cuma karena kendala waktu, gue tunda2 terus beli tiketnya sampe akhirnya harga tiket jadi normal. Gue gak beli dari awal karena takut ada kerjaan, kayak tahun lalu gue udah beli yg terusan, tapi pas beberapa hari sebelum acara, eeeh ternyata ada event dadakan. Melayanglah kesempatan nonton yang tahun lalu. Untung ada yang mau beli tiket gue waktu itu. Fiuuuh...
Anyway, artis yang gue pengen banget nonton mainnya itu pas hari Jumat pula, dan skedul dia masih rada sore, sekitar jam 8an gitu. Tau2, ada tawaran tiket murah untuk hari itu, gue pikir, what the heck. Pas Jumat itu gue ada meeting di kantor klien di deket JIExpo. So, mumpung udah deket, kemungkinan bisa nonton lebih besar deh. Dan gak ribet perjalanan menuju kesana. Hehee. Naah, sempet ketar ketir pas jam 8.30 itu gue masih di kantor klien, untungnya udah kelar. Si Menik udah nunggu disana. Jam 9 kurang gue cabut naik taxi, 10 menit kemudian sampe, 10 menit antre masuk, dan Alhamdulillah skedul artis favorit gue itu ternyata molor. Pas gue masuk, udah lumayan banyak yang nunggu di depan panggung. Gak sampe 5 menit, pertunjukan dimulai. Emang rejeki gak bakal lari kemana deh. Hihihi...
Rasanya euphoric banget bisa nonton performer yang satu ini. Gue ngefans sama dia sejak gue masih SMA, dan ini pertama kali dia dateng ke Indonesia. Dan sempet bales2an di Twitter juga sama dia. Hihiiy... Lagu2 favorit gue dari dulu, plus lagu2 barunya, mantaaap cuuy!! Memang sih gak banyak yang tau dia. Tapi kalo udah tau, pasti ngefans gila. :D
Okay, enough about that. Moving on, gue nonton Fourplay, santaaai beeeut. Nonton sambil tiduran, kapan lagi gue bisa gitu di JIExpo coba? Hahahaa... Trus sempet kebagian Corinne Bailey Rae, dan beberapa nama yang gue lupa tapi pas asik banget. Yang ditonton emang gak banyak, tapi semuanya layak banget.
Hari Minggunya nonton lagi karena liat twit ada yang jual tiket murah. Dan pas ada teaser Eric Darius pas Jumat, bikin gue nafsu nonton. Jadilah dadakan berangkat. Hahaaa. Trus nonton George Duke, Sandhy Sondoro, dll. Sukaaaaa...
Kadang memori gue lebih inget ambience dan situasi dan perasaan saat itu. Kalo gue ceritain detail, udah keburu males. Such a blogger I am. Ckckckk... :p
Pokoknya, cita2 gue adalah tahun depan musti nonton lagi. Kalo lagi gak ada kerjaan yak. Hehee.
Okay, gue gak tau pas denger cerita ini gue musti sedih ato ketawa. Tapi jujur, yang ada gue malah berusaha keras nahan ketawa bayangin betapa parnonya pada saat si orang ini memberikan pengakuannya ke gue. :p
Jadi, hari Minggu kemaren gue ngajak dia break 2 hari gitu. Alasannya mungkin agak mengada-ada dan drama maksa. Gue bilang ke dia gue gak mau berasa bergantung sama dia. Gue gak mau berharap banget sama dia. Jadi gue minta waktu untuk break selama 2 hari. Gak boleh ada komunikasi dalam bentuk apa pun, apalagi ketemuan. Hihii... Maksa banget yak? Padahal sih gue iseng aja. Toh emang jarang ketemu, dan komunikasi paling lewat sms doang, itu juga gak seintens waktu masa PDKT. Jadi gue pikir gak bakal beda jauh rasanya pacaran sama break. Sekalian ngetes aja gitu, gue bakal kelabakan gak kalo gak ada dia. :p
Singkat cerita, gue flat aja. Mungkin karena kesibukan kerja gue juga yang bikin gue gak sempet ngapa2in dan gak sempet mikirin dia. Huehehee... Pas hari pertama dia udah sms bilang kangen. Ada 3x dia sms tapi gue gak bales sama sekali. Hari kedua dia telpon gue gak angkat. Malemnya dia sms nyuruh gue angkat telepon karena ada hal darurat. Ya gue angkat, yang ternyata dia bilang gak sanggup break lama2. Halooohhh... Gue kok jadi berasa baca cerpen2 di Anita Cemerlang gitu yak? *kwang kwaaaang*
Trus dia bilang ada hal yang sangat serius dan penting yang musti dia kasih tau gue. 'Kamu janji jangan marah ya, Sayang...' Gue jawab gak janji. Tergantung apa yang dia omongin. After a few false starts, dia mengaku kalo dia udah pernah nikah. Tapi kemudian cerai beberapa tahun lalu. Sampe disini gue masih flat aja. Dia minta maafnya sampe kayak apa tau karena katanya merasa udah ngebohongin gue. Gue langsung ketawa. 'Yee, biasa aja kali, yang. Emang kenapa kalo lo duda? Pacar gue yang dulu juga duda. Wew...' Tapi tetep aja dia minta maaf. Takut banget diputusin kayaknya. Honestly, I have no problem with his status. It's not like I want to get serious with him. Yet. :p
Trus gue nanya, 'Lo punya anak?'
Langsung dijawab, 'PUNYA...'
Jlegeeeerrrr... Sekarang gue beneran ngakak. Dan dia bingung kenapa reaksi gue malah gitu. 'Yang, kok malah ketawa?' Suaranya memelas banget. Aduh, malah bikin gue makin ketawa aja.
'Abisnya, berarti perkiraan gue bener dong. Dari bentuk perut lo aja udah keliatan kalo lo udah punya anak, ndut...' Sett, dah. Malah jadi kayak cowok gue itu pernah melahirkan yak? Hehee.
Anyway, to make it short, he is a divorced man with a daughter. Riiight. So, I guess rekor gue pacaran sama laki orang ato duda masih belum terpecahkan. Damn, udah gak ada lagi perjaka di Jakarta ini ya? Wakakakakaa...
Hari ini bener2 hari gue ngerumah dan ngeluarga. Hahahaa... Jadi ceritanya tuh semalem gue balik dari kantor jam 3am pagi, tapi jam 7 pagi udah kebangun. Sialan, gue lupa matiin snoozer di BB gue. Skalian aja gue pipis, trus maksudnya sih mau tidur lagi. Apa daya, Bangbag udah bangun dan lagi penuh kasih sayang, and so she waited for me outside the bathroom. When I came out, she took my hand and asked to play with me. Being the good and loving auntie, I sat on the floor and she sat on my lap. We read a book together. Oh, what a sweet moment. I still can't believe I could be that patient and 'ngemong'. Wakakakaka...
Then, I played Farmville for some time. Then I took a shower, again, Bangbag waited for me outside the bathroom. Usually she would scream and yelling and hitting the door until whoever in the bathroom come out. But this time she just stood patiently until I finished my shower. She followed me into my room and watched me doing the rituals. Then we just laying on my bed and talked about stuffs. It was so cute. She was already articulate enough in her pronunciation and processing simple thoughts. So it was like I was chatting with my little sister if I had one. :p
It was a day full of Bangbag and home made food. Loved it. :D
What a hectic month! Barely had time to stroll around. The body all stiff and cranky from all those workload, mentally and physically. Currently working on projects and proposals for 3 clients. All need full concentration, meanwhile, one project manager already requested the boss to have me working exclusively on his project. Maybe this is the time for me to split my body into 3? :p
Only have time to meet the boyfriend late at night, almost never on weekends since both of us work on weekends. Almost never see Menik and Kucil these last few weeks. Barely communicating too, only now and then I join the conversation in our BB group chat. Damn...
Semalem akhirnya berhasil mempertemukan cowok gue dengan salah satu sahabat gue, Menik. Sayang Kucil udah pulang. I want to know their opinion on this guy. And I know I can hang on to their judgement. :)
Jadi ceritanya, kemarin itu untuk pertama kalinya Bengal, Menik, dan Kucil bergabung secara live setelah kelahirannya si Boy, si baby yang mungil dan kebluk dan haus tetek nyokapnya. Kesian bokapnya, harus berbagi gitu. Ato malah gak kebagian jatah ya? Hihiks... Kita janjian di salah satu mall di bilangan Jakarta Selatan. Dan asal lo tau, ketemuannya di nursery room. Di ruang menyusui. Di tempat ibu dan bayi melakukan urusannya itu. Ohmaygat. Even with Bangbag, I'd never been there. Wakakakakakaa...
Setelah menjelajahi ruangan menyusui dan ganti popok itu, kita akhirnya pindah ke kafe roti bakar di lantai dasar. Sumpah, si Boy molor terus selama berjam-jam kita disitu. Yaaa, alternately molor n netek. Gaaaak ada rewel2nya. Kamu sungguh suatu keajaiban, nak. Tante bangga sama kamu. Lanjutkan! Dan gue pun jadi cantelan selimut si Boy pas lagi netek, biar dada mamanya gak keliatan sama khalayak umum. Bapaknya sih tetep aja ngintip dari atas. :p
Anyway, I digress. The point is, the guy got to meet Menik. And she seemed to think that he's okay. No negative points, yet. They talked freely and laughed a lot. Or more correctly, he made her laugh, all on my expense. Damn! He told her all stories about our school life back in junior high. But I still don't know what Kucil would think of him.
Anyway, the problem is me. I somehow think that I'm superior to him. And that won't do. I gotta change that thinking, or break up with him altogether. :(
Derita punya pacar ternyata banyak juga ya. Gue jadi serba salah. Udah kelamaan semi ngejomblo, begitu ada pasangan tetap *nyiiing, tetap??* gue malah jadi kusut sendiri. :p
Memang sih, asik rasanya kalo ada cowok spesial yang bisa ditelpon kapan aja, yang bisa diajak pelukan n ciuman n nakal2 dikit *eh?*, ngabisin waktu bareng kalo lagi pengen, dll dst dsb. Punya pacar yang bisa bikin lo senyum, ketawa gokil gara2 SMS gak penting, blablabla. Hal-hal ini jujur bikin gue happy. Yaiyalah, siapa juga yang nggak? :p
Tapiiiii... Pacaran sih pacaran, cuma arahnya itu loh mau kemana? Gue jelas gak pengen serius. Belum pengen lah. Cuman si Ndut bolak-balik ngomong atau ceplos bilang udah gak saatnya pacaran cuma main2, pengennya serius gitu. Damn, bikin gue panik aja kalo udah gitu. Pengennya putusin aja biar tenang, tapi gak tega juga. Susah jadi orang gak tegaan. Hiks...
Okay, I know this isn't right. But I'll try to go along. Who knows that he might be the one who could change my mind? Meanwhile, am just enjoying it to the max. :p
Have I told you that I'm in a relationship? Yeah, well, I am. And it feels weird. For once, I'm doing it properly. And it actually kinds of scare me off. But I'm trying, though. It's just that he seems to take this thing seriously whereas I don't.
He makes me smile, yes. He's an great kisser, yes. But those will not be enough to change my mind and get serious on this thingy. Sometimes he'd call me things like 'calon tunangan gue', 'istri gue', etc. Dude, awkward!! I'm so not into that. And I'm not that into him. And I'm not so into the permanent kind of relationship.
I wonder what I want. Kucil has settled and is having a good family life. Menik is rained by men. And I got a boyfriend. A boyfriend with serious intention toward me while I can't get myself committed. I want a guy available when I need one. But I still want my own space. Serious romance would just swamp me. So, a different kind of commitment will do very well for me. You know, those friend with benefit thingies. :p
Anyway, welcome to my life, boyfriend dear. Just don't put your hopes too high, yeah? I'm just that dysfunctional...
Ternyata Senin malam kemaren jadi juga cari hiburan malam. Yaa, dengan strategi bikin si Menik rada terpaksa nemenin gue. Hahaa... Sekali2 ya, Nik. Masa lo mau dengerin Vierra sama Andien mulu. Malu dong sama umur. :p
Anyway, thanks ya, Nik. Biarpun lo pusing denger lagu2nya, tapi gue puaassss... Classic rock plus 4 Heinekens. Life rarely gets better than this. Ohohohohooo... :p
Gue pengen melakukan 1 hal yang sederhana: cari hiburan. Bagi gue cara yang pas adalah menikmati musik. Cuma kali ini gue pengen menikmati live music. Pas lagi pengen2nya tau2 di FB ada notification bahwa salah satu band yang lagi gue incer malam ini perform di salah satu kafe di Jakarta Selatan.
Nah, nonton live music kan enaknya rame2 ya. At least berdua lah. Masalahnya anak2 kantor pada ogah. Mereka seneng musiknya, tapi kere semua. Gak mau ngeluarin uang ekstra dikit. Sebenernya gue udah lama mikir kalo mereka itu takut sama tempat gaul. Bukan takut sama pergaulannya, mereka mah anak badung semua. Tapi mereka gak ngerti musti ngapain disana. Hahahaaa... Mereka dulu suka mabok2an, ngobat juga, tapi ngeriung di lingkungan rumah mereka masing. Kelas berat deh. Tapi kalo diajak ke tempat hangout langsung cemen deh.
Sahabat2 gue punya selera musik yang beda sama gue. Gue bisa menikmati musik mereka, tapi range selera mereka gak seluas gue. Jadi sama aja, susah juga kadang2 kalo gue pengen ngumpul sambil dengerin classic rock. Padahal gue pengen banget. Dan Menik kalo gak doyan ya udah, harga mati deh. Gak bakal bisa dibujuk. Sementara Kucil lagi keluar kota. Hiks...
Nasib jadi cewek rokenrol tapi salah lingkungan. Taeee... Makin stres aja gue.
Selama ini gue selalu berpikir bahwa pekerjaan ini udah pas banget sama gue. Gue banget deh. Dan selama ini gue memang selalu enjoy selama mengerjakannya. Tapi beberapa minggu terakhir kok gue jadi blank dan kayak orang hilang arah. Gue yang biasanya seneng dikasih kerjaan sampe nginep, sekarang mah lempeng aja. Kerja jadi itung2an, apalagi kalo yang ada hubungannya sama bos yang tukang panik. Semua flat aja, gak ada adrenalin lagi. Males berhubungan sama tim sebelah, padahal mustinya gue kerjasama dengan baik. Kesel sama tim gue, cuma gara-gara gue merasa mereka ada di dunia lain. Gue pengen melakukan sesuatu bareng mereka, nongkrong bareng keq pulang kantor bentar aja. Tapi secara pada udah nikah dan punya anak jelas aja pada gak bisa. Cuma ngopi aja di luar kantor alesannya ada aja. Tapi kalo main games komputer, hmmm, kalo perlu pada pulang jam 1 malem saking khusuknya. Bodo amat kalo yang di rumah lagi nungguin. Aneh.
Si Kucil juga sekarang udah punya keluarga yang harus di urus. Udah gak saatnya dia ngikutin gue dan Menik hangout tiap weekend. Hahaa. Sebelum dia punya anak, biasanya kita ngumpul tiap weekend. Cerita2, ngopi n semi wisata kuliner. Sekarang dia harus prioritasin keluarga dong. Dan gue totally mengerti itu. Malah kalo kebanyakan jalan yang ada gue jitak ntar tu anak. :p
Menik lagi super sibuk sama kerjaannya. Dan tebar pesonanya lagi heboh. Bener2 kayak ratu lebah, semua cowok pada nemplok ke dia. Tiap hari ada aja bbm-nya cerita ke gue tentang cowok ini ato cowok itu. Trus nanya gue dia harus gimana, ato kenapa sih ni cowok tau2 marah dll dst dsb. Yah gue kan bingung jawabnya yak. Secara dia super sensitif sama segala ucapan ato intonasi cowok. Traumanya banyak amat kayaknya, padahal gak juga sebenernya. Cuman emang antik aja nih cewek satu. Kalo dia lagi curhat, kadang yang ada gue memihak ke cowoknya karena gue suka bingung apa sih yang dipusingin ato diributin sama Menik. Kok cuma masalah kecil aja reaksinya sampe gimana gitu. Gue pernah cerita gak sih kalo dia itu tipe yang kalo marah sama cowok tu sampe delete contact dari bbm n phonebook. *ngakak guling2* Dia curhat ke gue karena gak ngerti sikap cowok, gue susah jawab karena gue gak ngerti cewek normal mustinya sesensitif apa. Hihii... Maklum, namanya juga wanita jadi2an kalo kata temen2 gue di kantor. Moga2 aja jawaban2 gue bisa dimengerti sama si Menik dan make sense bagi dia. Ehehee...
Keluarga gue sebenernya asik. Dear bro lagi sering dinas keluar, jadi agak jarang di rumah. Kakak ipar gue biarpun jutek tapi sebenernya asik. Asal dia tau gue dimana dan ngapain dia gak bakal ribut biarpun gue gak pulang. Bangbag lagi tengil2nya. Kadang pengen gue uyel2 gemes, kadang pengen gue gaplok pake dispenser. Heuh, sabaaaar ya Bengaaal...
Anyway, tiba-tiba aja muncul di kepala gue bahwa ini bukan sesuatu yang ingin gue lakukan seterusnya. Dan gue kepengen aja lepasin semua dan ngegembel keliling dunia. Become a citizen of the world, experience the cultures, taste the cuisines, knowing new people, et cetera et cetera. Tapi diujungnya pasti yang nongol adalah: lo mau keliling dunia, biarpun ngegembel tetep aja butuh modal, jendral! And there lies my weakness.
Asli, gue jenuh. Mungkin ada pengaruh dari beberapa orang di kantor gue yang gak begitu asik. Orang-orang yang dari orok udah panikan dan kalo gak bikin segalanya ribet mungkin berasa belum kerja. Gue jadi heran, kalo bisa gampang kenapa seneng banget dibikin susah sih? Lalu gue tersadar bahwa begitulah sebagian besar orang-orang di sekitar gue. Well, kalo mau diliat dari sisi yang lain sih mungkin gue aja yang emang aneh. Dan kalo memang begitu, daripada gue yang jadi gangguan, mendingan gue bikin seneng diri gue sendiri aja kan? :D
Kayaknya gue harus bikin target kumpulin duit. Bukan untuk beli rumah, bukan untuk biaya nikah (plis deh), bukan untuk investasi, tapi untuk melihat dunia. Gak ada kata terlambat kan ya? Mau gue mulai nanti pas umur gue 40, ato 50, ato 60, yang penting gue tau apa yang gue mau. Dan gue harus yakin bahwa cepat atau lambat gue akan melakukan ini. Amin...
Baiklah, mari kita mulai semuanya dengan bismilah, dan diakhiri dengan mandi junub. :p
